


Shadows

by vampirekiki



Series: Shadows [1]
Category: Angelo (Band), Jrock, Pierrot (Band)
Genre: Kidnapping, M/M, Mystery, Suspense, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-08
Updated: 2017-05-28
Packaged: 2018-03-21 20:59:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 28
Words: 52,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3704673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vampirekiki/pseuds/vampirekiki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Note: THE FIRST FOUR CHAPTERS WERE WRITTEN BY SPIDER_TEARS (http://spider-tears.livejournal.com/profile), STARTS FROM CHAPTER 5 THIS STORY IS MORE OR LESS MY OWN CREATION. Since spider_tears has not been available to continue this story, so I took over with her permission.</p><p>Note 2: This is a Real People Based fanfic, but it has NOTHING to do with the actual people or groups in reality, okay?</p>
    </blockquote>





	1. Shadows part 1 Monster

**Author's Note:**

> Note: THE FIRST FOUR CHAPTERS WERE WRITTEN BY SPIDER_TEARS (http://spider-tears.livejournal.com/profile), STARTS FROM CHAPTER 5 THIS STORY IS MORE OR LESS MY OWN CREATION. Since spider_tears has not been available to continue this story, so I took over with her permission.
> 
> Note 2: This is a Real People Based fanfic, but it has NOTHING to do with the actual people or groups in reality, okay?

Part 1

Monster

I watch you, my love. Every day, every moment. Always, I am right by your side, watching you, protecting you. Sheltering you from the cruel world that you don't even seem to notice. You are so precious to me, my life's light and reason.

I will never let anything touch you, never will I let anything harm you.

I will stay here, by your side, always and forever.

Not even when the world dies, will I leave your side…

 

*****

 

Its late, the sun has fallen, and the moon is looking down upon me. Its pale face watching my every move.

The streets are empty, the sound of my footsteps echoing in the silence. It seems as if it is lingering on forever.

The chilly night air is biting my unprotected skin, and I pull my clothes tighter around me, whising the path home would not be so long.

There is an eerie feeling tonight, it's almost as if I am being watched. But I know, that if I try to search for those eerily haunting eyes I can feel, I will not find them. Because I know, that they are not even there at all.

Finally, after what has seemed like an eternity I see the house my parents left me when they died.

The big cold windows glaring at me, almost as if they are accusing me for something.

I fumble slightly when trying to unlock the door, my fingers numb from the cold. But so the lock clicks in that welcoming way, signalling that the door is open.

I step inside, switching on the lights and letting my gaze travel over the room appearing in the faint glow of the lamp.

"Snowflake!?" My voice echoes through out the silent rooms.

But no cat comes to great me. I call for her again, and still she does not come sneaking out to welcome me like she always does.

Maybe she found a way out from the house again? I go to see if she sits outside somewhere, waiting for me to let her in again. But no matter how much I look I can not find her.

 

For three days I wait for her to come back. And still no sign of her.

She never leaves the house! And if she does, she will come back soon, scratching at the door or windows for me to let her in again.

I talk to my friend about it, and he helps me to put up missing signs. And then we once again wait.

 

About a week after those signs were placed all over the neighborhood, we finally heard some news. But I guess, I would rather have not heard, or seen that.

A young girl had found her, my poor little Snowflake. She was found hanging from a tree, a snare around her head. Her soft white fur tainted with her dried blood. And a long wound stretching across her entire stomach. Her paws had been tight together, and the sharp strings had cut into her skin. My poor baby…

I heard the talking, there had been so many of these happenings lately. Cats found brutally killed and tortured. They knew who had done it, but nothing we or anyone else could do, could prove it was really him.

Nothing we could do would prove that that monster had done it!

Jun helped me bury her in the back of my garden.

I placed a single white rose on her grave. "I don't understand… Why would anyone do this?" I felt Jun's hand on my shoulder, comforting me.

"Aiji…" I could feel the tears fall down across my cheeks, maybe it could seem silly, to cry over a cat. But she had been the only thing remaining of my family. My parents had given her to me when I was a kid, to keep me from getting lonely. And now she was dead.

"I wish he would die! I wish he got to feel what she felt! I wish someone would torture him like he tortured her!"

"Aiji… You don't mean that… Come on… Lets get back inside…"


	2. shadows part 2 Accident

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: THE FIRST FOUR CHAPTERS WERE WRITTEN BY SPIDER_TEARS (http://spider-tears.livejournal.com/profile), STARTS FROM CHAPTER 5 THIS STORY IS MORE OR LESS MY OWN CREATION. Since spider_tears has not been available to continue this story, so I took over with her permission.

Shadows Part 2

Accident

 

He dared to hurt you my love. He dared to cause you harm, to make you cry those diamond tears. I can not let him cause you harm, I can not let him summon your tears with his cruel actions. He has no right to do so!

No right at all…

******

It was just a few days after I had buried my precious Snowflake that it happened. I was on my way home, waiting on the platform for the train to arrive. There was people everywhere, people huddled closely together, hiding in their warm clothes. The chill biting any skin left for it to take.

The thunder like noises of the arriving train filled my ears, and then the screams. Terrified screams.

When the train stopped a buzzing filled the air. People trying to get closer to watch what had happened. Shocked and scared faces.

He had fallen they said. In front of the train, his body badly bruised by the impact. An accident they said, it must have been an accident.

He had been standing with his back against the rail.

And then he had just fallen, or that's what they said.

Until they noticed that wound. That cut reaching across his stomach, and how his hands had been tied together.

Then it suddenly was not an accident anymore.

I did not recognize him at first. His face contracted with fear and pain. His emotions as a mask lingering on from before his life so abruptly ended.

But when I did recognize him, I was shocked. It was him, the man that had killed my Snowflake. Now he was dead, his stomach cut open and his hands tied together.

I could feel that eerie sensation creeping back again.

I could feel those eyes watching me, studying me as I stared at the dead man before me.

I backed away, slowly. I don't remember getting home. But now I'm sitting here, cuddled up beneath a blanket. There is noise coming from the tv, and a cup filled with hot tea is resting in my hands. I'm not sure how it even got there.

There is some news program on the tv. They are talking about what happened today. About the "accident". But They don't seem to think that it was an accident… Someone said he had been pushed… But no-one could say who had done it.

There was a policeman talking, but the words did not seem to reach me.

My mind was a mess, thoughts spinning round and round.

First the man kills my cat, in a most brutal way. In my anger I wish for him to suffer like my poor cat did. And now this happens…

But… Maybe its just a coincidence. Maybe it was just an accident…

Or maybe it was something else…

I must have fallen asleep. Because suddenly I was woken up by that annoying signal that Jun had put on my cellphone. I still haven't figured out how the hell to change it back…

The first thing I notice when I open my eyes is that the cup that I am sure I was still holding when I feel asleep, is placed on the table before me. The now cold tea still inside. And next to it on the table, there is a note.

White paper, not some cheep thin paper, but expensive beautiful paper, the kind you use to paint with acrylics.

And on that little piece of paper it is written in black ink, a delicate hand writing spelling "It is all for you, my love".

I look around, but there is no-one there. A bright sun shining in through the windows. But not even those warming rays can chase away that eerie feeling…


	3. Shadows part 3 Candle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: THE FIRST FOUR CHAPTERS WERE WRITTEN BY SPIDER_TEARS, STARTS FROM CHAPTER 5 THIS STORY IS MORE OR LESS MY OWN CREATION. Since spider_tears has not been available to continue this story, so I took over with her permission.

Shadows Part 3

Candle

Those words, It was as if they were staring back at me. Haunting me. When I finally got out of my daze, my phone had stopped ringing.

When I checked for who had called, I did not recognize the number.

I could feel tremors run up through my fingers and arms.

The tremors are so bad, that I have to redial the the number to Jun three times.

And they do not stop until he is here.

But that eerie feeling, that still lingers. Every where I go I can feel those invisible eyes on me. They are haunting my every step.

I follow Jun home as the night comes crawling. I borrow his couch, and for the next few days it is my bed.

And those days, I hardly ever feel that haunting sensation running up my spine. And therefore I decide to go back home again. I guess I miss being on my own. It's not that I don't like Jun, I love him. But not being able to be alone sometimes, it drives me crazy.

 

I can feel the emptiness meet me as I step through the doors. The warm rays of the sun illuminating the rooms that I walk through.

I make myself a cup of tea, and then I sit down on my couch. Maybe it had all been in my head? Maybe all of this is just my imagination…

Maybe I will wake up soon, and everything will be just as it always has been.

But somewhere deep down I know that is not true.

Tomorrow will come, but when it does, it will not be to like it always has been. I will wake up to an empty house, and to that haunting feeling…

I sit there, slowly drinking my tea. My eyes moving from the tv, to the flicker candle burning on the table before me.

The flame dancing in a slow mysterious dance.

 

I wake up that next morning to screams. Terrified screams coming from the house next door. I hurriedly make my way out the door.

I do not even notice how the candle has been blown out, or how another little white note rests beside it…

When outside there I meet one of my neighbors.

Her skin is pale, her hair dishevels.

Her eyes have a wild tint to them, as if she has just seen the out most horror. From what little I can understand from her panicked words I know something is not right inside her house.

And as soon as I step inside I can smell it.

I look around, neat and tidy rooms. Almost too clean, they seem to lack any personality. As if they were just copied down from some magazine. There are nothing in the rooms that can tell me that someone lives there. Its as empty and cold as the persons I know live there.

The Kitchen is empty, as is the hallway and the bed room.

But in the living room, that sight that meets me there.

As my eyes fall on the man on the floor, I wish I had not come in here. I should have stayed outside.

I feel my stomach spinning. My mind to.

I have never really liked the man, his snobbish ways and cold posture, it was never anything really to like about his way of looking down upon people. But he did not deserve this. His wrists has been nailed to the floor. A gag cutting into the corners of his mouth so sharp, that tiny little shimmering drops of blood has escaped. He is nearly naked, the only remaining piece of clothes left on his torn and bloodied body is his boxers.

There is such a horror in his wide open eyes, and that blood that covers him and the floor he is nailed to.

I rush out from there, meeting police on my way out.

They ask me some questions, and then I am free to go back home.

I can feel my heart beat violently in my chest still, and that stench of blood, it still lingers. I can feel it so clearly, almost as if I'm still in there.

I fall onto the couch. My eyes close as I try to calm my beating heart.

And when I open my eyes again, that's when I notice. The words are staring back at me. "Now he will never look down upon you again, my angel! And you should not fall asleep with the candles still burning…"


	4. Shadows part 4 Denial

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: THE FIRST FOUR CHAPTERS WERE WRITTEN BY SPIDER_TEARS, STARTS FROM CHAPTER 5 THIS STORY IS MORE OR LESS MY OWN CREATION. Since spider_tears has not been available to continue this story, so I took over with her permission.

Part 4

Denial

 

Your eyes has turned so sad Lately, and so haunted.

The way you keep looking over you shoulder, expecting to see someone there, it saddens me.

I miss your smile love. And I miss your laughter.

Your happiness… Where has it gone?

 

********

 

It has been a week since my neighbor was killed. And I can feel those eyes on me sometimes. Eyes are following my every step. They haunt me every woken moment of the day.

I know someone is there, I can feel it, but not once have my searching eyes been able to find him.

He is hiding there, in the shadows.

But he has not come into my house since then, and no more notes have appeared out of nowhere… Maybe he will leave me alone… Maybe those deaths had nothing to do with me… Maybe there are no-one watching me at all…

 

I work at this small café not far from where I live.

A small cusy café, had it not been for my boss, I might even have enjoyed working there. The way he looked at me; and all those smiles as if he stripped me with his eyes, they sent chills down my spine.

And for some reason, he thought it was his right to touch me however he liked, and whenever he wanted.

It was a Monday, and I was early this morning. I thought I was surly the first one to come. But once I got there, the doors, they were open, and the light already glowing warmly inside.

The bell chimed softly as I opened the door, but I could see no-one inside.

 

"Anyone here?" No-one answered my question.

 

"Hello?" Still only silence greeted me. An eerie silence. But maybe it was all in my head; maybe the one that had last left the day before had just forgotten to lock up?

I called for the girl that worked there with me, for the man that usually worked out in the kitchen. I even called for Daijiro, my boss. But still no answer…

The doors to the kitchen stood slightly ajar.

Like a glimpse into a dark heart.

 

With a images painted vividly in my memories of the last months happenings I but my hand to the door to push it open. A heavy feeling of something bad lurking in there is beating inside me, and I can see my fingers tremble slightly as I open the door.

 

"Hello…? Anyone…" There is no-one there. The kitchen surfaces are spotless, just like Daijiro nags us to keep it.

A relived sigh escapes my as I realise my fears was just me being paranoid. Just then, the bell chimes, signalling that someone just entered the café.

 

"Helloooooooooo!!???" It really couldn't anyone but Niiko, the always happy girl whom I work with. She comes, almost bouncing into the kitchen, a wide smile decorating her pretty face.

 

"Good morning Niiko!" I smile at here as she skips up to me, standing on her tip toes to plat a kiss on my cheek, just like she does every morning.

She has already got a the apron with the café logo on and without saying anything else she starts to get the stuff to clean up the tables and set everything ready for the customers to arrive.

 

While she does that I go to the walk in freezer in the back to get the new boxes of ice cream. At first I don't notice him, I grab a box of strawberry ice cream and as I turn around to go back out I see him.

 

He's hanging, a snare around his neck from one of the shelves stocked with frozen bread. There is a wide gash reaching from his throat to his lower abdomen, his eyes are staring at me, wide and bulging from its sockets.

 

But that's not what scares me the most, the little note painted red in the blood surrounding it is. There in black ink, just like the other notes, it is written: "He cant hurt you anymore my love, never again…"

 

to be continued.


	5. Shadows part 5 Vanish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: THE FIRST FOUR CHAPTERS WERE WRITTEN BY SPIDER_TEARS, STARTS FROM CHAPTER 5 THIS STORY IS MORE OR LESS MY OWN CREATION. Since spider_tears has not been available to continue this story, so I took over with her permission.

Part 5 

Vanish 

 

Again you have that miserable look on your face…You have been looking constantly sad despite of all the things that I had done for you. And you have been spending more and more time with him recently, far too much time to my liking...But why? Why are you not looking at me anymore, love?

For weeks you remained staying in his apartment, whenever you go out he would always be by your side. That is getting annoying. For many times, I even see you wrapping your arm insecurely around his as if seeking for protection… 

I find this particularly intolerable. I can't allow anyone to steal your attention, right?

Soon I will have to punish him, I know you won't be happy about it love, but I also know that eventually you will understand I'm doing it for you. But the point is, I would also have to make him see my point. That you don't need him and he's getting in the way.

Still, he is your friend, so this time I will try not to hurt him so…badly.

****

Ever since the day the body of my manager was discovered, I didn't go back to the café to work, nor did I go back to my own home. As soon as the police informed me that they had finished their questioning and I was free to leave, I went straight Jun's home and stay there, borrowing his couch once again. I rarely go out ever since that day. And Jun seems to understand and lets me be without asking questions.

A few weeks pass by peacefully until one day Jun left for work in the morning as usual but fails to return. I wait for him, daytime comes to an end and night crawling in, for hours to come I try countless times to contact him but no one ever answers my call.

The last time I dial Jun's number something unexpected happens, the phone keeps ringing until it is abruptly cuts off, like someone has just shut off Jun's cell.

Suppressing silence surrounds me from all direction once the phone was cut off, I feel dread creeping up from the bottom of my heart like slow poison.

That night Jun doesn't return, for a whole night I've called every single one of Jun's friend asking of his where about, no one had seen him ever since he left his workplace in late afternoon. By the end of the next day my friend still hasn't showed up. Worrying of his safety, I seek help from the police but none of them have taken me seriously.

Disappointed, I go back to Jun's house; and it surprises me to find the front door opened.  
With the memories of what had happened with my neighbor, and what I had discovered in the freezer still vivid in my mind; I slowly walk into the darkened house. With my shaking hand I switch on the light, the room brightens up immediately and I catch sight of a figure sitting at the corner of the living room, trembling violently, clinging into a ball so tightly as if trying to hide himself from the world, murmuring something in an endless rhythm.

It is Jun. 

"Jun, you're back!" I exclaim and rush toward him, glad to see him returning safely. But much to my surprise he jumps soon as he heard my voice.

"NO!" He cries out as if burned soon as I do nothing more than placing my hand on his shoulder. And he jumps away from me, retreating to another empty corner of the room, avoiding me like a plague.

"Jun…what's wrong?" his strange reaction pained me, but I quickly realize something has gone terribly wrong with Jun soon as he stares up at me with pure horror in his blood-shot eyes.

 

"Don't touch me! Please don't touch me!"

He is crying and he is so utterly frightened by any sort of physical contact. It takes me forever just to get him to his bed for a rest. He is exhausted already but he was afraid of falling asleep, I sit next to him as he cries himself to sleep. 

Still in his sleep he keeps screaming as nightmares haunts him. I can't make out his broken sentences. He mentions being taken to some unknown place, being not able to see anything, that he was being blindfolded, and there was a voice speaking to him in the darkness, whispering hateful, scary things to his ears…he couldn't escape from the voice that torturing him; and there was something sharp as fine needles piercing repeatedly into his skin……

It is unbearable to hear him sobbing and moaning in pain, mentioning confusing yet terrible things such as these with his incoherent sentences. That night Jun has waken up struggling to get free from the monsters in his nightmares for various times and I have to hold him down before he hurts himself, it is when I first notice the red marks around both his wrists……deep cutting marks surrounding his thin wrist like they had been tied down……

The next day Jun's condition only seems to worsen as he withdraws more and more deeply and there is no way I can take him to a doctor for he refuses to leave his room or even to be touched.

I have no other choice left but to contact his family. Soon afterward Jun's parents arrive but by then his condition had already been worsen that he can no longer talk, or even behave normally. His parents ask me what had happened to their son but I can offer no answer. Having no other choice, his parents are forced to take Jun back to their hometown for treatment.

They speaks little to me as I help Jun into his father's car and see them off, but from the looks they had given me I know they blame me for what Jun had become; such realization pained me more than anything else. 

I go back to my own home only to receive another blow, there is a note being placed at the center of the table waiting for me, one single sentence written on the white sheet of paper: "There's no one between us now, my love."

Tears seeping from the corners of my eyes as I stand there not able to move, the note falls off from my trembling fingers. 

I know it was him…again, the shadow that is still lurking somewhere near me, always close by but I just can't find him whenever I stare into the darkness and search. I can't see him but he is still there. He had stolen my best friend from me, and I am alone now…


	6. Shadows part 6 Shock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: THE FIRST FOUR CHAPTERS WERE WRITTEN BY SPIDER_TEARS, STARTS FROM CHAPTER 5 THIS STORY IS MORE OR LESS MY OWN CREATION. Since spider_tears has not been available to continue this story, so I took over with her permission.

Part 6

Shock

 

Recently you have been looking so lonely. It happened after that friend of you had left…poor darling. I can't quite understand why but I guess you must be missing his company after all.

But quickly I shrug this particular thought off; there is nothing for you to be upset about, my love. Soon you will forget him, I will make you forget about him and there will be nothing for you to go upset about anymore. Can't you see? You're too precious not to be kept safe. Someone need to take the responsibility of keeping you safe from harm, to make you happy right? Soon I'm taking you home, to make you happy again.

Before I can welcome you home, I also have a surprise for you and I know you will like my present this time, I'm sure of it…

***

It has been a week after Jun had been taken away for good, for an entire week my mind seems to be in some kind of chaos; I can barely think straight in my waking hours, even though I practice my daily tasks just as usual but my mind would still be wrapped in a great fog which prevents me from reaching out to the outside world. Everything seems and feels vague and unreal to me and there is nothing I can do about it.

During this eerie period of time, I find myself not able to form any kind of proper communication with anyone else. For many times I opened my mouth struggling to seek help from them, but the correct words that can describe my suspicion and suffering always fail to come up. So my attempts would always end with them first staring blankly at me with utter confusion, for they can't understand what is wrong; then one after another they would shrug and leave, leaving me alone in the dark.

It seems that the more I struggle, the more restrained and powerless I've became. With dread crawling deep into my gut, I stay there passively and wait numbly for whatever that would take place next. I guess……I have been pushed dangerously close to the point of breaking-down than I had realized……and I have been paranoid for too long until I can no longer function, feel and react normally to the outside world, it is like I am being locked within my own self.

Surprisingly, as days passed by, nothing more had happened this time. Not once do I sense the eyes that follows me after I return, but this fact fails to free me from the dread that has been haunting me; for I know only too well that it isn't over yet.

Until a few days later, a package arrives at my doorstep.

I open the door only after I checked the identity card of the deliverer, just to make sure the man is who he claims to be. I look down at the object in the man's hands, it is just a box wrapped up by piece of ordinary brown thick paper, there is nothing special or suspicious about it. So I receive the package from the man, then sign the paper which he had hanged me with. Then with the door closed behind me, I check the package for the name of the sender and any kind of returning address but I have found nothing.

I return to the living room, placing the package at the center of the table. For a long time afterward I just sit there in front of the table and stare at the unmarked package, unable to decide whether to unwrap it. It takes me so very long before I finally start slipping open the wrapping with a pair of scissors.

Finally a box is revealed from underneath the layers of thick papers, made of wood painted in black and red pattern. I lighten the lid and peer down into it, only to find there is an object within the box, being wrapped tightly in another layer plastic wrapping, judging with it size and shape, I figure it might be some kind of statue of small animal. But who would think of sending me a statue?

I take the object out, it feels kind of heavy in my hands, again I toss off the wrapping. Once the wrapping falls off to the ground, I stare down at the the thing which I first mistook as a 'statue', dumbfounded beyond word, at that instant I couldn't believe what my own eyes are seeing, and my heart squeezes painfully as if dread has gripped me with its cold dead fist.

At this moment I believe I've gone crazy, for I found myself staring down at the glassy lifeless pupils of my dear dead Snowy.

At first it might only appears to be a very lifelike doll of a kitty, but the I can feel the cold stiff muscles and the perfect structure of the skeleton beneath the layer of soft white fur, and there is no way I would mistake my Snowflake for another.

Her well-preserved eyes are murky, shock and pain is frozen in there by death, her mouth still opens so wildly as if for a scream silent in eternity, her once graceful neck is now slightly twisted since there had been a snare wrapped so tightly around it. Dried blood stains her once snowy fur, and there are various massive, ugly scars being sewed together by fine wires. When Jun helped me bury Snowflake in the garden, I could only manage to clean her broken body a bit and removed the string that pierced through her torso. but someone had dug her out without me suspecting a thing, had even gone through all the trouble of sewing her back together, preserved her corpse with chemistry.

Someone had made a specimen out of her and put it inside the box and sent it to me as if it were some kind of freaking gift!

A chill runs down my spine, and I can't breath, suddenly can't bear this any longer! First that sadistic middle-age murderer of cats, then my neighbor, the manager…and now someone is sending my dead pet to me in the form of an portentous specimen. What does he want from me!?

I don't realize how badly my hands are trembling until the ominous remain of what is left of my once beloved kitty falls to the floor, broke into pieces.

 

Then I scream and there is nothing I can do to stop myself. Out of sheet instinct I turn away from such horrifying sight and without thinking I flee from my own home out of blind fear.

I am too frightened that when I reach the front door the fact that it is now half-opened fails to alert me, and it is too late for me to escape when a hand shoots out to pull me back into the house and another gloved hand comes up to block my mouth, silencing the screams……

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn thing is getting scary and intensive, and I need more inspiration to write more…T____T


	7. Shadows part 7 Trap

Part 7

Trap

 

Finally I can hold you in my arms.

***

I panic soon as I found myself pressed against a firm body, trapped by an arm wrapping around my waist from behind, my hands are also trapped. I cannot get free no matter how hard I struggle. I try to scream but the gloved hand blocking my mouth only seems to become more forceful.

He drags me further into the house, turning to the corridor; in the haze of fear, somehow I mange to catch the sound of the front door locked itself into place automatically. New wave of panic broken loose in me as I realize I am now isolated within the walls of my house together with this…….stranger. And I once again try to scream and struggle against the lean body that has held me captive, but to it is in vain. I can't break free despite all the attempt to escape.

All the while the person behind me remains silent, doing nothing more than holding me down, preventing me from getting away. I can hear the sound of his steady breathing from behind me, near the crook of my neck; but there was all I can hear from him. He just leans against the wall behind him, holding me tightly in the darken corridor, as if waiting for something.

Tears of frustration soundlessly seeping down from my sockets, I finally give up and stand numbly there in defeat, then I closed my eyes, telling myself all of these are just a bad dream, once I open my eyes again, everything would go back to normal, he will not be there.

But who am I kidding with?

"Promise me you won't make too much noise, then I will let go."

A low, deep voice whispers to me, jolting me back to reality. My eyes snap open. It is the first time I had ever able to hear his haunting voice. That voice, it isn't harsh or rough, yet the undertone of commanding is obviously there.

Numbly I nod as best I could in my current state, and he does remove his hand over my mouth, allowing me to gasp for breath. But his grip on me is still strong, I don't struggle because I have already known it is useless.

He waits till I finish coughing before speaking again. But I didn't expect his next question. 

"Do you like my present?" he asks softly, in a manner too polite and gentle for a intruder…and worse, murderer.

That must mean the hideous specimen of my Snowy. The irony and absurdity of the question would have made me laugh so hard if I were in a different circumstance…

At first I cannot reply, I am too frightened that I find it impossible to speak, I dare not utter a word for I fear that my answer might anger him.

Then I swallow hard, struggle to find my voice again, to reason my way out of this situation. 

"Please…" I plead out of desperation, by the end of the sentence the sound of sobbing has already became obvious in my voice. "Please let me go…"

He has noticed too, for then I see his gloved hand comes up to lightly wipe the teardrops away from my eyes. The action would have been nice if I weren't in such a frightening situation...

"Shh. Don't cry, Aiji…" He is stroking the side of my cheek in what is supposed to be a comforting manner, but his caress only heightens my fear, and the urge of nausea. 

"Please let go! I…swear I won't tell anyone--"

"Why would you say something like that, love?" I hear him chuckling slightly next to my ear, his tone so loving to the point of sickening. "I'm here to take you home…"

Before I can ever realize what he means, before I can ever react. I feel something sharp presses against my skin, like I was pierced by a pair of twin little needles; then an electric waves shocked through my body painfully. At the last second I realize it must be a taser.

I feel my consciousness slipping away, nothing was left but the darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hell!!!!! I'm in trouble now! I can't think of what should happen next!!!X___x||||


	8. Shadows part 8 Present

Part 8

Present 

 

I'm being trapped in a series of nightmares it seems, for I feel like I have been drifting in and out of unsettling dreams, and somehow I feel I am being moved to somewhere else. I don't want this, but no matter how I want to raise my voice and protest, the words never comes out…nor can I move……

***

While you are still sleeping, I carry you to the backseat of my car, I make sure you would be comfortably lying there before I go back to the front and start driving. During the trip back home I hum softly to myself, feeling happy that things had gone quite smoothly and soon, very soon we would be home, away from the ignored people and their annoying gossips and peering eyes, away from the world that constantly causes you pain and discomfort…

'Home' for me isn't the place where I used to live before I ever know you, I had rented a house in a nearby community, there is to be our home. Though it might not be completely correct to call the place a 'community' for the entire region had long be abandoned. No one else lives in the district so it also means no one would interrupt us. Months ago when I rented the house, the agent looked surprised and a bit suspicious to hear that I wish to live in such empty area, but I explained to him that I am a researcher who is operating in a scientific project and I need a quiet place to think and do my research in private. It didn't take long for him to accept my explanation after I showed him a faked ID and some faked papers to back up my story. After that the agent has left me alone soon as I signed the contact with a name that doesn't belong to me and paid the rent on time. 

It took me a couple of months to reconstruct the inner parts of the house to suit my proposes. Soundproof materials and reinforced glasses were called in. I worked alone till the entire progress came to an end, but I never felt tired or bored by the work, I enjoyed the work as much as the silence hovering above this place. The houses in this district are quite far away from one an other, between them there stand various layers of trees and shrubs, there are little things here could disturb the quietness in here, maybe a few wandering dogs or the birds singing among branches…but nothing more than this. You would like it here the same like I do, right?

I gaze at the rare window again to see your peacefully sleeping form at the backseat, and I feel a smile spreads across my lips. Soon…very soon, we are almost there.

After parking the car, I carry you out through the backdoor, your body feels light and skinny under my touch, and you haven't awakened yet. I take you all the way to the second floor into the room I prepared for you, lowering you safely down the soft bed. Afterward I sit beside you and simply observe you in sleep, simply enjoying the moment of being in your presence. I haven't turned on the light despite the daylight outside of the single window on the ceiling is steadily fading. 

This time I have the time to look down at your sleeping form, then I notice half-dried tears still staining at the corners of your closed eyelids, I reach out and lightly brush it away. Again I feel the softness of your smooth skin, I cannot resist the sweet temptation and before I know it I already have my hand gently cradling the side of your cheek, you sketch slightly then, unconsciously leaning to my touch. That brings a smile on my face, I bent down to kiss your forehead before pulling the blanket up to cover you in the comforting warmth. 

Then I remember there is something I had prepared to present to you, how stupid of me to forget about it! I stood up and left the shadowed room, looking for the gift I am about to give you. Just wait a little while, love. I will be right back……

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are love.


	9. Shadows part 9 Blind

Part 9

I wake up with a start, startled to find myself lying on the surface of what feels like a bed, the surrounding is so dark that I can't see anything clearly, and the headache within my skull is starting to make itself known. I roll to lay on my side at the discomfort, still not able to recall what had happened. Why it's so dark in here, should I turn on the light so I can figure things out more clearly?

Out of habit I reach for the nightstand which I know should be beside the bed, but after a few attempts still my hands meet nothing but cold air. It confused me, but then as I slowly shrug the sleepiness away from my clouded mind, I finally realize why I can see only darkness in front of me not because there is no light on, instead I begin to be aware of the fact that there is a strap of soft cloth being wrapped around my eyes, blocking my sight!

The realization only makes me feel ever more confused, I must be slow that day not to be alarmed immediately by this disturbing discovery, I simply put a hand up trying to brush the soft object away, but soon I notice the said strap of cloth has been fastened so securely around the front of my face, and it refuses to come off despite all my attempts to get rip of it. 

Finally I realize what exactly this object is, a blindfold, serving to disable my sight. And I am left alone in the state of blindness, in the middle of absolute darkness. 

A shiver runs down my spine as the realization sinks in, I sit myself up on the bed, hands reaching out along the soft mattress in a vain hope to find anything that might enlightens me of my current condition, but I have found none. What had happened to me? Where am I now? Who had done this to me…and why?

Then the memory slowly resurfaces, the last memory I have is me being held captive by some stranger, a haunting voice whispering darkly into my ear, and the shocking electric pain piercing right through my body before everything blacks out.

What Jun had mentioned in his sleep when he was having those nightmares of which I by then couldn't quite understand. The strange terrible things he had said, his words are now coming back to me…

Jun mentioned of something tiny and sharp piercing repeatedly into his flesh…painfully…

I shiver again, arms creeping up to hold myself tightly as if it were a protection against the evil force lurking right out there.

The dreams! Now I also recall them, in those unsettling dreams I felt I was being carried away, someone had moved me out of my house, and I think I'd heard the sound of a car-door being shut, does this mean I am no longer in my own house? Did someone bring me to some other place when I lost consciousness? So where exactly am I now?

Jun mentioned of being taken into somewhere dark and quiet, mentioned of his sight being taken away…not able to see anything.

I try to unfasten the blindfold once more, but fail yet again to undo it.

During the progress, I also become aware of a soft object being fastened around my neck, and both my wrists. My fingers touch upon the two leather bands fastened around each wrist, it feels like some sort of retrain, then my hands reach naturally upward to feel what that object is, after pushing and tearing with it for a while it still wouldn't come off. I also touch upon a leash attended to the collar around my neck.

Jun mentioned of being tied down, not able to move or defend himself…

I pull at the leash experimentally; noticing that it is long enough to allow me to move around the bed. Then out of blind instinct I decide my action, I try to climb out of the bed.

When I am almost there the leash snaps and holds me backward, suddenly I find myself losing my balance and is about to fall off and hit the floor.

It is when a pair of arms comes up from behind me and halt me there, putting me securely against his clothed torso, before I can ever gasp or react, I am being pulled back to the center of the bed, the person behind me has smoothly placed me on his laps, his arms still wrapping around my waist.

I tense immediately in his arms; I don't even dare to move a muscle. Maybe he has sensed my uneasiness as well, for I feel the tips of unfamiliar fingers snake their ways to my forearm, gently caressing the tensed muscle there as if trying to smooth my nerve.

***

"You should be more careful next time." I scold you playfully as I hold you securely in my embrace, but you stay quiet and unresponsive in my hold. 

I was still in the room when you first showed signs of awaking, so I had sat myself on a nearby chair and wait for you to come around, at first you didn't seem to understand what kind of condition you were in, but you started to tremble like a leave once you realized you were retrained and blindfolded, I watched you silently as you moved about on the bed trying to find a way out; I stood up soundlessly, moving slowly toward you. You look vulnerable like this, so uncertain and frightened.  
You never knew I was there and I couldn't help but noticing how adorable you looked being blindfolded and the leather bands fastening around your neck and wrists, such a tempting sight you had offered me without knowing. 

And then you made a wrong move and were about to fall and hurt yourself, since the bed was rather high above the ground-level. Luckily I was there to put you out of harm way.

So there we are, sitting together in the comforting silence in the room; your back press against me with your head slightly throws back to lean against the crook of my shoulder, your warmth radiates from beneath your layers of clothes. For the first time I have you so close to me and the thrill was bewildering. I couldn't stop looking down to steal a look from you, and what I see take my breath away. 

You're prefect do you know that? So beautiful with your finely featured face and your nicely-shaped lips slightly open ready for a gasp, or a moan, your skin so soft and warm, the feeling of your light body is so addictive, your form fitting right into my embrace. 

"If you want something, just ask okay?" I add thoughtfully, whispering into the lovely shell of your ear. But still you didn't make any answer. But the shiver that runs across your body is getting obvious by then.

I understand you would be scared and confused, but it would be in the beginning only, in time I would change your mind. I can sense your discomfort, so with my free hand I start to run my fingers across the tensed muscles of your forearm, trying to calm you a bit.

A while later, your trembles subsides, I smile as I feel you slowly relaxing in my arms. Then I remember something, as the thought comes across my mind I remove my hand from caressing your skin and reach for a glass of water I had previously placed on the nightstand next to the bed.

You breath out a sound of surprise when the cold edge of the glass makes contact with your lips; once again you stir, trying to turn away from the unfamiliar sensation.

"Drink it, you must be thirsty."

You stir again when you hear my voice, but I hold the glass more firmly to your mouth, this time you obey and slowly swallow the water one mouthful after another till there is nothing left in the glass. 

"Good." I pat your hair lovingly as I set down the glass. We stay like this for a while longer until the sleeping pill I'd mixed into the glass of water slowly takes in, stealing your wakefulness and leaves you fasting asleep in my arms once again. I had to make you take the pill to keep you to the sleeping state during the daytime hours when I am away……so you wouldn't feel lonely in my absence.

Tiredness caught up with me then and for the first time I recall it must be well past mid-night by now; I know I still have a few hours of rest before I have to leave you. So once more I look down at your sleeping face, taking in all the sweetness of your feature before finally lying down beside you, holding you back to front comfortably before I too slip into the land of slumber.


	10. Shadows part 10 Resistence

Part 10

 

When I open my eyes again dawn has already arrived for daylight had already found its way through the round window on the ceiling, illuminating every pieces of furniture within the room with its dim neon.  
Stirring, I look down only to find locks of warm brown hair spreading before my vision, and it takes me a few seconds to recall what had happened last night, that I had just spent a night with you lying securely in my arms. That you are really here, within my reach, this time it isn't a dream……it is all reality that you are here with me!

I sit myself up a little with the support of my elbow, still facing you. With this new position I'm able to take in more of your feature the same like I did last night. You are lying on your side, soft locks of dark brown hair spreading around your face like a halo. I cannot resist the urge to touch those pretty locks so I do just this, running my fingers through the soft mass of your hair, playing with them. You still show no sign of waking, which is understandable because your system has still been under the effect of the drug I'd slipped into your drink last night. 

Need not to worry though, love. I have been carefully calculating the amount of drug to give you so it would do its work without damaging your physical well being. I distaste drug-dependence as much as every good citizen does. 

If it were possible I would spend eternity to watch you in sleep like this, to be close to you and have my arms around you like this seems something too good to be true, I'm sure I would never get tired of watching your pretty feature, the tender feeling of your body……but sadly, in reality our precious moments are limited, soon I'll have to leave you. Sorry my dear, but there are things to be settled in the outside world, you will forgive me, right?

As slowly as possible I untangle myself from your sweetly warmed form, sitting at the edge of the bed I am about to put my shoes on and leave, it is when I turn back with a thought of unwrapping the blindfold to allow you to see the room I'd prepared for you. I have even reached out my hands to undo the blindfold but I change my mind in the last second. With a small smirk on my face, I decide that it would be safer to leave the leash and blindfold on with you rather than having you wandering around all by yourself. Being satisfied with the logic, I kiss you on your cheek before exiting from the room, carefully locking the door from the outside. 

***

I don't know for how long had I been regaining my consciousness, but even myself didn't realized I've actually been awaken because my vision is covered by total blackness. Then little by little I begin to become aware of my own existence and feel that my face is pressed on what feels like a pillow, I stir as some blur memory flashing sharply through my confused brain, it is when I finally wake up to a discomfort feeling which running through my body.

Immediately my body shook up from the mattress I've currently upon. I turn my head from one side to another blindly but still I can't see anything. And the tense pressure I could feel around the front of my head suddenly makes me realize the blindfold is still tied on me.

My ears capture the sound of tiny chains knocking with one another, the small noise they create echoes off into the silence surrounding me, I realize the leash he had fastened me to the bed is still there too. So is he still here too?

Soon such this particular thought crushes in; I stay frozen in my spot, my heart is once again seized by the claws of an unbearable fear. I recall how I failed to notice his presence in the previous encounter, how he had caught me off guard for at least two times already when I thought no one was around. And the thought of me being alone with some unknown, faceless stranger in the same room with him watching every single move I've made, such imaginary sends a sinking sense of disgust to my stomach.

So I do my best to stay still on the bed, as if it would save me from capturing his attention; holding my breath and try to listen to any tiny noise that might proof the presence of another person in the room. But all I could hear is the suppressing silence.

Once I know I am really alone, I place both my feet to the floor and slowly stand myself up, this time I don't fall but my legs felt quite unsteady as I stand up, inside this room the air isn't particularly chilling but when I stand alone within such gloominess, I still cannot help a shiver from running down my spine.

Next I let my fingers to trail along the leash to feel its length, only after I measured how long the chain would allow me to go, then do I experimentally climb out of the bed, I figured that I can probably walk around the room for about twenty steps of distance, that's how far the leash would allow me to walk. I press both my palms against the nearest wall and search my way forward with the guide of my own hands in complete darkness. Door…the one thing I want to discover most in this search is a door, a possible gateway to the outside world. 

The first thing I encounter is a small desk next to the bed, it is empty expects of a empty plastic cup I'd found with the tips of my fingers, I open the drawers one by one, but only find them empty, so I close them up again; and draining the leash with me as I move follow. But it isn't long before I end up facing one of the corners of the room and I've to change my direction before going forward, still following the guidance of the touch of fingers, the wall, every step I take. 

The process of walking is an agonizingly slow one, for after leaving the bedside-desk behind, I take my time feeling among the wall up and down trying to find some sort of escape, but so far it seems like I'd encountered no door or window of any sort, not even a cleft large enough for me to scream for help. Does this mean I'm being isolated within some sort of a locked room?

Before I could think any further of it, I suddenly find another object blocking my way, after some feeling around in the dark I mange to conclude that it is a table which stands a few inches away from the wall, beside it also stand a few chairs, all of those chairs are empty, I slowly pull one of the chairs closer to myself and sit myself upon it. I know that now I am facing the table for I can place both my hands upon the smooth surface of it. For a long while I just sit there and will my muscle to relax.   
I don't know how long had I taken just to walk from the bed to this table, nor do I know how far away I'd gone, I had try to count my own steps but the sense of distance is still blurry to me With my sight being taken away it feels like it had taken hours or even more just to complete this walk, making me realize for the first time just how our sense of direction, time and distance are depended solely on sight. Not to mention how one's abilities and freedom are highly limited when his or her sight being taken away…… 

By then I have already been feeling quite annoyed with myself with the lack of my physical freedom, I feel so tired, so tired of forcing myself to calm down and think of a way of saving myself when after so long I'd found none, and I'm also angry with the one whom kept me captive like this. Slowly my hands ball themselves into fists, whoever he is, he has no right to do that to me! 

But I'm most irritated by this state of blindness I've been forced into……I'm sick of it, this endless, timeless blackness which I fail to escape from! It feels so tiresome and unnatural not able to see anything! Out of blind rage I straighten myself from the chair and once again trying to claw at the blindfold, but it doesn't take long to realize again that it is useless, for soft it might appear to be, the material is unbreakable……at least not when I have no sharp objects such as blades or a pair of scissors to undo it. 

Soon as the realization sinks in, I stop my foolish attempt and sit still, this time one side of my face presses against the cold surface of the table, the fruitless search and the outburst of rage have worn me off, and I feel moistness seeping down through the material of the blindfold. But I stop myself from crying as soon as I could manage. Must not cry for it helps nothing……and no use going into another outburst of anger as well. 

There is nothing left for me but to think, and once again I start to feel around on the table surface, trying my best to explore. 

I remember that there is no sharp edge on every single one of the furniture I'd previously encountered, not the desk, the table and even the chairs. Is that his method of keeping me from harm, or from any possible attempt of self-mutilation? I don't know what to think of it! 

Then my hands suddenly make contact with a flat object on the table, it takes me a while to figure out it is some kind of a plastic tray, on top of the tray there lays an unopened plastic bottle, it feels heavy in my hands so I could assure that the bottle is filled with water or liquid of some sort. My guess being this bottle of water is meant for me to drink.

Then my fingers touches upon other objects, those are random small objects wrapped within plastic bags. I hold one of those packets in my hand and press a finger onto it experimentally, it feels kind of soft to my touch, then I unwrap the tiny plastic bag, taking the item out and hold it up under my nose trying to smell it, sweet scent of honey fills my sense at once, it smells like some kind of sweetmeat or a biscuit. Instantly I almost just open my mouth and eat it then and there for only by then how hunger I really am. But suspicion creeps its way to me quicker. What if it were poisoned? 

The piece of sweetmeat falls between my fingers soon as the thought rushes in, but I don't care to pick it back up. Even more seriously still, had the water supply also been poisoned too?

It is quite logical to be suspicious, for if I weren't remembering things wrongly, I'm now dealing with a murderer who had already killed at least three people and did unspeakable harm to my best friend.

But what frightens me most is my own instinct which demands the must-need food and water which my body has started to cling. I had just resisted the temptation this one time, but for how long I could keep on denying what my life depends upon? Is it his true intention to me? That he enjoys locking me up and watch me suffer, torturing me to death like one might read about in those crime fictions? At this point everything looks almost reasonable, for who would kidnap a nobody who has no living close-relative cares enough to pay the ransom?

With an ugly, bitter laughter tossed from my throat, I slip down from the chair, I am now trembling so badly that I have to wrap my arms tightly around myself, for the first time I realize just how scared I really am, I'm far from being calm and collective even though I'd like to tell myself otherwise. As I collapse to the carpeted floor I cling myself into the tiniest ball possible, the sharp, insane laughter still echoes endlessly in the darkness. It is too late……I'd been pushed pass the point of self-control; there is nothing I can do to stop that mad laughter, not even when my eyes begins to hurt from all the constant crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you like it? The story is getting longer and longer still I haven't written down what I really wanna write for that story!^__^;;;;


	11. Shadows part 11 Sight

part 11

When I return, the first thing I do is to go upstairs and check out whether you're still okay. I take off my coat before going upstairs, as I stand before the wooden door I try to listen for any suspicious sounds from inside but haven't found none. So with a small smile curling up my lips, I carefully unlock the door.

The first thing I have noticed after pushing the disguised door opened, is the fact that you aren't in the bed anymore or anywhere near it. Still my eyes quickly find the leash which end still remains chaining to the bed, after my eyes have become more adjusted to the dim like within the room, I'm able to follow the thin line of the leash and much to my surprise I find you lying on the floor, unmoved and looking a bit irregular, with pieces of plastic-wrapped sweetmeat fallen around you. Next to your fallen form there is a round table and across the table's surface the evident of disarrangement is also there. The bottle of water I'd left behind for you is now overturned, so do the tray. 

But those disturbed objects are by now the last things that would captive my attention, nothing requests my care expects of you. So I gently push you up to rest on my laps as I embrace your motionless form before I unknot the blindfold, carefully unwrap it and your face is revealed at once. Your eyes are still tightly shut and there is no sight of awaking. Your closed eyelids and the skin around them seem to be quite moist with sweat and is it possible, tear? I frown as the thought comes through, still I haven't failed to notice the way your closed eyes appear to be swollen, as if you have been crying before I return……

Then I also come to notice the slightly redden marks the blindfold had left upon your skin, there are even some bruises leaving behind. Is that the reason why you had cried? That the blindfold had been fastened too tightly around you to the point of hurting? Sorry my love, hurting you is never part of my plan. 

Soon enough, I manage to wipe your face clean with a piece of soaked clean cloth, looking down at your slumbering form after the task was done, I caress your bruises in an apologetic manner, kissing the redden flesh gently to reduce the discomfort, deicing not to do that to you again.

Like I had just mentioned, I never mean to hurt you in any way. I just want you to slowly get used to being here, in your new surrounding, I only wish for you to slowly come to accept the fact that you are mine, that there is no need for you to run away anymore……that you belong here, your place is with me, can you see that? The use of that blindfold is merely part of the plan, in order to make you less curious about the place during your first days here……but now I can see that it doesn't work as good as I'd predicted, for I really, really hate to cause you pain. You know that right, my love? I would only do that when I'm forced to…….I only hope that nothing would make me do that to you…that you would never do things that would make me hurt you……

So I left the blindfold on the floor when I carry you to sit on an armchair just across the room, you would continue your rest here while I fix us some dinner. It has really been a long day for both of us, I'm sure that you would be hungry when you wake up.

***

When I wake up from my troubled sleep again, I find myself waking up on an armchair, also I'm shocked to find out I actually can see the things around me. Soon as the realization kicks in, I quickly sit up from the half- lying position, scanning around to make sure I've truly regained my sight; my eyes widen despite the soreness starting to make itself known around my sockets; just in order to take in my surrounding as clearly as possible.

This time I am not blindfolded any longer, for that fact alone I could almost be grateful to my captor, if he weren't the person to be responsible of my misery at the first place. But the after thought of him being here in this room again and his hands upon me again when I fell unconscious……it still sends a chill down my spine.

After some checking I ensure that there is no other presence within the room, I'm alone. With a sigh of release I look down at myself, immediately I notice that the leash connecting to the collar had also been gone, though the collar itself is still securely fastened upon me. Then I notice the clothes I am wearing aren't the same as I had last seen them to be, every single pieces of them had changed into some other clothes that I had never seen before. He must have changed my outfit without me knowing, and most likely he had done it when I was unconscious. To think that he had touched me when I was sleeping, and changed my clothes like I was some doll, that makes me feel deeply violated. Before I had noticed, tear seeping down my eyes again, blurring my sight, there is nothing I can do to suppress a sob, how I wish everything is just a nightmare…terrible nightmare…

Finally wiping the tears away, I stand up to look at my surrounding again. The room I've found myself in is bathed under shadows, the only source of light being the dim light pooling down onto the floor from a small round window high above on the ceiling. But even with such limited amount of light I still manage to make out my surrounding. I quickly notice there isn't any door or entrance within my sight. The discovery sends waves of anxiety and frustration to run through me. The next thing I notice is that saves for the four-poster bed at the center of the room, there aren't much furniture within the room. Just a single small round table and a few set of chairs, along comes two set of armchairs; those are all elegantly arranged pieces of furniture the same like the wooden four-poster bed does. On top of one of the chairs, there are various books of different sizes and thickness being placed there, as if someone had put them there for me, but I'm in no mood to check them out, there isn't enough lighting for reading anyway. I turn my eyes away from the sight with little interest. 

What captures my attention is what I find above head. I look up to the ceiling, seeing its blur outline with the dim light. It is made of wood and high above my reach, from the look of the said ceiling I can be certain that I'm in the second or third floor of a house. Then my eyes fall upon the single window high above the ceiling again. This time I quick move to stand beneath the window and peer upward, hoping I can see something, anything from the outside world, or at least I can tell whether it is day or night from the look of the color of the sky. I'm disappointed when I find there is nothing but the sky above head, but at least from when I see the fainting stars on the night sky I know it must be nighttime already. Time slipping away so fast when I was drifting in and out of sleep…how strange…

To think of it, I realize I have been sleeping for far too long even since the abduction took place. I remember being locked unconscious by a taser once, but after that I seem to just lose my consciousness unexpectedly, the same thing happened for far too often……

All of a sudden, I hear a click and the sound of a door opening, I abruptly turn my head to the direction of where the sound has come from, indeed there is a door at the side of the wall and it is opening! Yellowish light from what I suppose is the corridor growing larger inch by inch.

I stand there, dumbfounded; haven't expected to see the door opening like this out of the blue. I don't dare to move, at the back of my mind I have a strong urge to find a dark safe corner and just hide away. But in reality I can't do this, I can't even move. I see a shadowy figure appears from the back of the door. Out of instinct I know he's coming. In that moment I can't breath, the shades have become larger, overwhelming the gloomy room as he steps in. shadows shift and falter with every step he takes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG what should happen next? I duno!!!! It's so difficult to plot the next chapter! Comments are love as usual!


	12. Shadows part 12 Dialogues

Part 12

When he walks in I can't help taking a step backward, trying to stay out of his reach, though I kind of know there's nowhere I can run to, since there isn't enough space for me to hide. But still dread has taken over and my body acts as if it has its own will instead of obeying to my command.

So here I am, come to face my captor for the first time, looking into the eyes of the man who had done hideous things to the people around me. This time I'm not blindfolded, my limbs no longer bound but still I can't do anything more than shiver under his quiet stare, as if I were his captured butterfly, wings spread and pinned neatly in place on the board, wriggling in pain until death claws in to still me for his collection.

From now on he wouldn't remain to be a faceless stranger anymore, even since the moment my eyes capture his feature, there would always be a certain face to haunt my every dream with from the countless nights to come, nightmares that I can never escape from.

***

Carefully I open the disguised door to your room and make my way inside, holding a food tray with one of my hands. Once I enter, I notice immediately that you are standing beside the armchair which I had previously placed you to sit upon. You are blinking quickly, probably trying to adjust to the light that seeps into the darkened room through the opened door. I smile at the thought, before shutting the door behind me, and then with my free hand I manage to lock it. The yellowish light from the corridor disappears soon as the door is closed. You seem to hear the click of the door locking too, and I notice how your eyes seem to widen a bit as you hear the sound. To my surprise you seem kind of nervous…almost scared.

Still you make not a move, nor do you speak to me. You remain standing at your spot as I find a button on the wall and switch the light on with it before walking the short distance across the room to the table nearby and place the tray upon it. All the while I can feel your eyes lingering on me with every step I had taken, from time to time I notice how your sight drifts nervously to the direction of the closed door which I'd just walked through. Silence filled the room and I can hear nothing but the soft sound of your unsteady breathing. 

When I'm done, I turn back to face you. You feel my stare almost immediately for your eyes quickly leaves the door and drifts back to focus upon me again. This time we stay closer with each other than before, and I can take in your feature more clearly in the shorter distance. 

I notice the skin around your eyes is still a bit bruised but it doesn't damage your beauty, I also notice how tensed you seem to be, how the small shivers running through your thin farm, giving you such a fragile look that bewilders me ever more than before. Now your eyes are fixed upon me, with a mixed expression on your face, like a deer caught by headlight…… I must say you look more intriguing than ever when you stand here under the dim light, with confusion and fragileness in your eyes. How can I not feel the thrill of intoxication when I think of having you so close and in my search, with no one other than me to be near you and behold your beauty? 

I really can't wait any longer, making the first move and I walk closer until I'm now standing right before you. You seem to be taken aback by my action but you fail to shift your sight to other direction when I look into your eyes, neither do you move away. I see emotions war within your clear orbs and you look like you are about to turn away and run in any given second; but I keep my eyes focusing solely on you, never breaking eye-contact with you. Seconds has passed, even minutes have passed away, it seems as if you are already nailed to the floor and I 'm still holding you in place with my gaze. 

This is when I know for certain that I have you.

Deciding to act a little braver, I quietly reach out for your hand and take it within my hold. The delicate expression of shock on your slightly flushed face is priceless, that also brings a soft smile to the corners of my lips as I draw you closer and said to you. "Come with me, love. It's time for dinner."

******

I feel drained as he drags me, not forcefully though, near the table, where the two sets of dinner awaiting there. For some reason I just can't fight back, I let him guide me to a chair and sit down, I feel like paralyzed and my own will seems to unable to matter any longer. Next thing I know he is sitting opposite of me across the table, giving me a small smile before putting up a spoon and then looking back at me expectantly, waiting. 

I am still speechless, still not able to tear my own gaze away from him even though I know the longer I stare into those pools of deep blackness; the weaker my will to resist would become. But I'm just too drained to put up any defense now. 

The man who is now sitting in front of me, looks unbearably normal in every respect. Nothing ugly or monstrous on his feature. No victims' blood tainting his clothes or caked beneath his fingernails; nothing obscene that would remind you of a typical villain or madman. He wears a plain dark long-sleeve shirt and a pair of matching black jeans, clean cut and neatly. Beneath the trimmed longish black hair is a pale face, eyes half-hidden by the dark locks but I can still see them, dark as night and avoid of emotions, pair of thin lips also giving no hint of smile. 

I nearly jump out of my skin as I feel a cool smooth hand covering my own across the table. My sight instantly drifts to my own hand, which is currently being held gently by my captor, before shifting to look back up at him in shock.

"Why are you so tensed?" he asks, those eyes soften, showing a sign of concern; but still I'm unable to reply.

Then I feel his fingers slightly caressing the back of my hand, despite myself I blush due to the intimacy of the action. 

" You don't have to worry so much…you know." He says as if explaining things to a confused child, his soft tone sends a shiver down my spine even though I can't tell the reason why. I withdraw my hand almost abruptly but he lets me be.

Still not touching the food, I look down at the utensils which have been placed before me; all of them were made of wood or plastic; not sharp or solid enough to be weapon of any sort, and there isn't any fork or knife to begin with. I give up and take a spoon. The food looks normal enough, hot with steam rising from it, giving out a warm delicious scent. I swallow uneasily, hungry that I am but the fear of being poisoned is still there. I can feel his eyes upon me without even having to look up, but eventually he picks up his tensile again and starts to eat. I wait, but after a few minutes nothing happens. So I guess it's safe to have the dinner then…… 

I must be hungrier than I had realized for I've been so concerted on swallowing the food mouthful by mouthful that I fail to notice how he had finished with his own dish and is now watching me quietly. Only after I look up from the empty plate do I realize he has been watching me all along. I tremble under his stare, feeling my cheeks heated as he smiles again due to my reaction, this time it is an open smile as if he finds my reaction amazing.

I quietly turn my sight away, hand gripping a glass of water nearby and sip of large mouthful of it to drown out a sudden dryness lingering at my throat.

It is strange to see him smile; it makes him look normal, look like a person who walks his life under the sun, not someone who is capable of causing death in his wake, who would kidnaps and imprisons person in some god-know-where dark corner. For a moment I almost forget the horror he had cause me with his bloody deeds.

But it's this kind expression on his face gives me the tiny bit of courage, enough to utter one of the questions that have long been haunting me.

"…Why are you doing this?"

I can hear my own voice, so weak and shakily, echoing off into the silence within the room. His eyes seem to be darkened, a hint of puzzlement flashes across those orbs.

Due to his lack of reply, I have to utter the question again, this time more particularly. "Why do you…keep me here?"

Now he looks at me thoughtfully, before replying eventually. "Why you have to ask this? By now you should have known why, my angel…I did all those things just for you."

I close my eyes for a second as I feel the beginning of a headache making itself known within my skull. "I…"

"It's because I love you."

I stare at him with widen eyes; feeling frozen like my body-temperature is dropping immediately below zero. Still, somehow I am not entirely surprised by this answer. I should have known this from the white notes he kept sending me…from the way he has been acting toward me, from the intimacy he has been trying to project upon me after he has me captive……But the realization still shocked and sickened me, deeply.

"No…it just…it just can't be! You're wrong!"

Words of denial tremble cross my lips, I can't bear seeing him any longer, so I shut my eyes tightly and start shaking my head. How could I ever forget the person I'm facing isn't sane like everyone else is? That he is entirely different from anyone else whom I'd ever encountered? That sane, normal people can be reasoned and negotiated with when he can't? 

Yes…that is what he really is, a lone, sinister creature different from anyone else, dangerous and unpredictable. The normal side of him he had just showed me, the human side of him which can smile so kindly is nothing but a facade, a sheep's clothing for a wolf. 

The illusion of normality faints away so quickly, revealing the cold, murky side of his being, revealing him as someone I need to escape from. 

"Why am I wrong, love?" 

Still in the darkness behind my eyelids, his smooth, calm voice keeps seeping into my ears. He speaks with no anger in his voice, his tone almost sad.

" I said I love you. Why wouldn't you believe me?"

It isn't what I mean! I scream inwardly, opening my eyes again I struggle to my feet, knocking the chair behind me to the carpeted floor with a 'bang'. 

I would very much love to scream some sense into him, asking him why he would think it's okay to kidnap peoples while claiming he loves them? What kind of love could that be? But soon as I stand up I feel waves of dizziness flows through me. 

I stare down at him in disbelief, by then he has also risen up to his feet. I vaguely feel myself taking a step back trying to get as far away from him as possible. But the next thing I know I'm falling backward, only to be caught by his arms.

Struggling to get myself free, I put both my palms against his chests trying to push him off, but he remains oblivious to my protest, and my strength is seeping away abruptly like sand slipping into an abyss. I realize he had done this again, it's the same trick. It's too late for struggle, he had drugged me again……

Tightening his embrace he holds me still as my fight weakens. My eyes could barely focus when his face appears within my vision, this time so close, so unbearably close. I can ever sense the warmth of his breath upon my skin. 

"You can't leave me…I won't let you do that." 

The dark, slow whisper seems like it is coming from somewhere really far away, fainting.

My world darkens, the last thing I've felt is his pair of lips pressing upon mine for a lingering kiss, tender but inescapable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMFG! This chapter had taken me hours to finish!   
> The whole thing is so difficult to write and I'm growing white hairs trying hard to imagine how people would interact with a kidnapper/murderer! And I hope the characterizations I'd tried to project in this chapter works!


	13. Shadows part 13 Forced

part 13

You haven't eaten anything I'd brought you even since that night, nor did you touch any of the packaged-food I'd left you. And you refuse to talk to me. Every time I entered to your room, you would immediately rush to the corner of the room, or even hide yourself into the bathroom and shut the door tightly.

Today it is no different, in the morning I left the room with a tray filled with untouched cold breakfast, it has been two days already, as time passes you're looking more and more feeble due to starvation. I'd tried to reason with you, trying to remind you that you should at least eat something for your own good, but still you ignore me. 

After throwing the unwanted food down the bin, I sit down in the kitchen and think of what to do with you in a situation like this.

It has become more and more like some kind of game between us……maybe things had long been that way at the very beginning. If it's what you want then I'll play along for as long as it would take……I even think it's quite interesting to play such a mind-game. And we will see who would have the upper hand in the end…

Judging from your behaviors and your attempt to avoid eating anything that I'd prepared for you, it doesn't take long for me to realize that you have probably sense that I've been drugging you. During the second night when we were together having dinner, you had tried to be careful, studying the dish placed before you before eating, but you didn't pay enough attention to the water……I never touched the food nor water since I'd also drank and eaten from the same supply. I did the trick by slipping the liquefied-pill into the glass……You wouldn't have thought about it, right?

But starvation really would do you no good, and I need you health and happy instead of sickly and withered, so soon I'd have to do something to change your mind.

So I stand up and go about clearing the house, part out of necessary and part in order to kill time. When I'm done, I went back to the kitchen and start preparing the next meal for us. When it's done I go upstairs as usual.

I open the door and step in, this time you're sitting on the armchair, which you had moved under the round window above the ceiling, staring at some empty spot before you. A few books spread around on the floor nearby, rays of sunlight pooling upon you, lightening up your soft feature so beautifully……

You quickly turn to my direction as you hear the door clicks open, but just as quickly you turn your head else where, refusing to acknowledge me. This time you didn't flee though……

I put the tray of steamy food on the table just as usual, I pause as the water jar catches my attention, I notice that the water level doesn't change since the last time I filled it…which had already been nearly two days ago…

The discovery makes me frown; people can certainly go on for days without food, but dehydration is much more dangerous, I can't let you do that to yourself….there is no way I would watch you wither and fade away like you have seemingly intended!

So I take a cup nearby and fill it before I put the jar down rather loudly. From the corner of my eye I see you jump slightly at the sound, but again you quickly divert your attention to somewhere else, as if nothing had happened. I smirk. You know, this time it wouldn't be so easy to ignore me, love.

Holding the cup with one of my hands, I walked straight to you as quick and quietly as I can manage. This time you look up at me with wide eyes, showing sense of alarm and veiled fear. With you looking up I can see your face clearly from up-close. Without thinking I reach out to take hold of your cheek. I can see how your stubborn behaviors affect your health. Your hair seems so crispy, your skin losing its smoothness, your lips dry and pale. The evidence of your weakening is obvious when you tensed under my touch, trying to push my hand away but your limbs seem barely able to follow your command.

The frown between my brows only deepens, I stare down at you but you refuse to look at me, with your head bow low you keep on pushing at my hand in vain. I would have felt angry if I didn't notice how badly your hands are shaking, or the way your shoulders shiver as you try to resist me. 

I didn't know you could be so stubborn before, but maybe it's a good sight that I have managed to know you a little better……still first thing first, I will have to keep you under control.

Turning away from you, I rise the cup and drain from it a good mouthful of cool water without swallowing it down, before I put down the cup on small desk next to the armchair. Then I turn back to you, cupping your cheeks with my palm and despite your weak protest, press my lips to yours, my tongue quickly finds its way pass your soft lips as you let out a surprised gasp, allowing me to slip the water into the warm cave of your mouth.

Probably stunned by my action, for a moment you remain stilled under my touch, but almost immediately you start to fight back, but with one of my hands cradling your cheek and my free hand wraps tightly around your thin wrist, I successfully pin you in place, I deepen the kiss as I press your body fully against the backrest, leaving you no choice but to swallow the water down your throat to save yourself from choking.  
When I finally let go of you, you immediately tumble out of the armchair, backing away from me as if you were trying to avoid plague. Running out of breath you pant, your face blushes brightly as you stared at me with widen eyes in what appears to be disbelief, covering your mouth with your hand. I must admit, that look rather lovely coming from you.

I smile a little in satisfaction, before walking the short distance toward you, kneeling down so that I can be at the same level as you currently are. You wriggle further away till your back hits the wall behind you; with nowhere else to hide you simply turn your face aside, just to avoid me. Your now moist lips tense into an angry thin line. For the first time, I see this angry flash within your eyes, it doesn't bother me; at least it's good to know that you still have some spirit with you than the empty look you'd been showing recently. 

But I wouldn't have you avoiding me any longer, taking a step forward and bent down I grip both your wrists, doing my best to pull you up to your feet. Again you struggle, making the task more difficult, I wait till your strength fades and your body once again goes stilled.

"Shh, you should calm down…" I whisper to you in what I hope to be a comforting tone. 

Suddenly you look up at me, hissing like an annoyed cat. "Let me go!"

Not wanting to trouble myself with a reply, I press you against the wall behind you as gently as possible, trapping you between the wall and my body to limit the possibility of further rebellion. Your tearstained eyes still throwing draggers at my direction, but beside the burning rage, I also see fear and desperation there, then I know that you had probably realized that you can't escape me that easily, gives your current state.

Thinking that it's time to talk some sense into you, I meet your angry stare as calmly as I could manage, before I actually speak again. 

"I'd brought your lunch here already and I want you to start eating again; going into hunger-strike does you no good. You understand?"

You stare back at me blankly for a second before shaking your head violently, still not willing to submit.

Tightening my grip around both your wrists, I lean even closer to you, my body presses against your, our faces now not more than itches apart. So this time you can't look anywhere else but toward me as I remind you one thing. " if you said no, then I'll have to make you take up eating again, in ways that you probably won't prefer……" 

I let the last of my words echoing off the room till it dies down completely into silence, letting the words sinks in to him. My eyes never leave you, studying every change of your expressions, I have to suppress a smirk when I see realization slowly sinks in, you now remember that I actually am capable of forcing you into submission, if I chose to.

" You don't want me to do this, right?" 

After a long pause, I ask again. You still give no reply, but your pale lips tremble as emotions war on your face. I can't tell whether you're struggling to speak up or trying hard to stay calm.

So I press you again, this time I shift a little, whispering into your ear. "I'm still waiting for an answer, love. You don't have to speak, nod if you would behave..."

I can feel a shiver shocks down your spine as I speak, and a delicate gasp reaches my ears. The sound lit a small flame within me; making me want you even more, more urgently…... But I also know that I shouldn't rush things too fast, rushing things would ruin my chance of having your love all to myself, and I already know that you seem to dislike being forced into things greatly...

Your body shifts slightly against mine, and I feel you nod your head slowly, a silent sign of defeat.

I look back at you and give you a smile before I push away from you, but still keep a grip around your left wrist. Then I guide you toward the table again, where the cooling food is still waiting.

You let me help you to sit down without any protest, but you look down at the food presented before you, not moving a muscle.

"What's wrong?" I cannot help asking.

"You'd put something in the food, did you?" You question me in an accusing tone. 

Just as I'd suspected, you have already realized I've been drugging you. I sit down opposite of you, and answer honestly. "No, I didn't. Not this time."

You stare at me angrily, whispering. "So you did drug me in those previous times before! That's why I had been drifting in and out of sleep so often, huh? So what else you would drug me with the next time around? Poison?" 

Then he lowered his sight and his hands balling into fists.

"I hate losing consciousness all of a sudden, I really hate it." With that you stubbornly push the dish slightly away from you.

I listen to your unhappy, distrust words, quietly measuring what should I say in response of your accusation. What should I do next? 

After making the decision, I make a suggestion. "Would you eat again if I promise not to put any pill in the food again?"

Still refusing to look at me, two words slip through your lips, a question. "You promise?"

Such an innocent question coming from you, I can't help but smiling to it, even though you can't see it. "Yes, I promise."

Finally you shift your sight up to meet my stare, your eyes thoughtful. Then taking a deep breath as if it would give you courage, you speak again. "Promise that you would not hurt me."

This time a grin actually graces the corner of my lips, and I lean forward and reach my arm across the small table, fingers spreading to caress the smooth warm flesh of your cheek. You stir out of alarm but you do nothing to stop me as I continue to stroke your lovely face, and answer. "I promise you that I won't do anything that you don't want me to……"

"And I'll never, never really hurt you…my precious."


	14. Shadows part 14 Withdrawn

Part 14

After that, how many days had passed already? A few days, ten or more days? Maybe a month, or two months? I have no idea; I had long lost trace of time early during my imprisonment here. There's nothing to signify the passing of time in here, no television, no radio broadcast, not even a clock to tell me what day or time it is; even my own watch had long been gone. I had questioned him about the current date and time before, but he never answered me. After a few times afterward, I stopped asking all together.

I'm left with the primitive method of observe the change of lighting outside of that small window to learn whether it's day or night. Daylight seeping through the round window, it slipping away slowly when dusk draws near, darkness hovering heavily over the night sky with a few stars gleaming, those are the only things left that could inform me about time.

Days pass away; time flows slowly as my strange life of imprisonment continues. The events of the day keep repeating themselves nearly identically. Every morning I wake up to the gloominess of a locked room, I clean myself in the tiny bathroom next door, picking up clothes from the wardrobe and changed into them. Talking about the wardrobe, it's filled with all kind of fresh clothes that fill me like they were measured and chosen just for me.   
Then breakfast is brought in by the man who keeps me captive. We eat the breakfast peacefully, strange as it might sound but it's the only way I could describe the atmosphere surrounding us when he and I are together. 

He has kept his end of the bargain of not forcing me again; now he has hardly even touched me, though sometime I still can see the longing to do so when he looks at me. The stare gives me a weird feeling from inside whenever I notice his eyes on me, but there's nothing I could do about it, so I clench my teeth and pretend as if I haven't noticed anything. I don't think he has actually given up; instead he's just waiting, waiting quietly for my defense to slip and fall right into his trap. The thought sends a chill down my spine, and I have to remind myself I must be very careful around him, that I can't afford losing in this sick game he had forced upon me.

Lunch and dinner are brought in with the similar manner and I would have to share the table with him during meal times. Afterward he would leave when he has things to deal with in the outside world, but more often he is free to spend time with me, he would stay for a while longer, sitting on the chair, busying himself watching me while I do my best to ignore his presence. Still for a few times I fail to ignore him, instead I pause from whatever I'd busy myself with, ask him what's the matter; which I would always regret of uttering afterward, but from time to time the suppressing silence and his intensive gaze is just too much……

He would only give me a small smile, or shakes his head telling me it's nothing. He would not tell me what he has in his mind……I don't know whether it's a good thing or not, whether I really wish to know what he is thinking in those moments. 

Sometime he and I do talk, him asking me of petty personal things, like what color I prefer, who is my favorite author or film actors/actresses, my childhood memory, what kind of food I like, etc. I answer those curious questions as carefully as I could. In turn he slowly starts to talk about himself as well, I can't remember all the things he had told me, but I do remember what he said about his family, that his parents are still living in some remote town in the country, they haven't been seeing each other for years, still he has a younger brother who still made contacts with him here and then. I try to ask him about his friends, but he never tells me anything clearly, I have an impression that even if he does have some friends, none of them is particularly close to him. 

That piece of information about him adds up to the fact that no one seems to visit this household, I never hear the doorbell or phone(if there's any) ringing even once no matter how hard I try to listen.

There're a few things here that could put my mind off of my miserable condition, various of carefully chosen books, supply of papers to write or draw, a day ago I discovered an old guitar covered in dust at a corner of the wardrobe, which I'd cleaned and been toying with whenever he isn't around. These are the small comforts I have managed to have, just enough to keep me from going entirely insane.

When I run out of thing to do(which is quite often), there is nothing left to do but to let my thoughts wander. I always wonder whether people have noticed my disappearance yet, and whether they have started searching for me yet, wonder if anyone ever bothered to call the police……

I bury my head in my arms when I think about that, is there anyone out there would still be missing me? I had quitted the job in the café even since the murder of the manager, so no one would notice if I failed to show up at work. As I had mentioned before after the death of my parents, I got barely any living close-relatives left who might notice my disappearance. As to my friends……if Jun were still there then he would soon get very worry over my absence, if Jun were still there he would have quickly realized that something is wrong……but sadly even my best friend had been removed, out of my reach. So I realize there's no one left, no one left to even notice my disappearance, not to mention rescue me. 

Out of spat, I ask him of exactly what had he done to Jun, demanding an answer for my friend's suffering. He smiles in response, his smile almost shy; but he would not answer my question fully, and I only manage to piece together Jun's treatment through his incoherent description. He tells me all he wanted to do is to reason with him, when Jun refused to stay and listen to what he had to say, he said he had no choice but to make Jun stay until the latter finally saw his point. He would not let out any single detail of what exactly had he done to make Jun see his point, nor does he mention how did Jun react to the torments. 

He would only tell me in what kind of condition Jun had been in when he left. He goes on describing how Jun wandered out of the locked room which he had previously been imprisoned after the door was finally opened. Jun didn't run away immediately like you might expect him to do, instead he just kept lingering around the place, before he finally wandered away. All the while, he is in the same room with Jun during the afternoon when he'd finally released him, but Jun hardly even seemed to notice his presence. Jun never uttered a word during his remaining time in the house; all he did was sitting quietly at the corner of the room, staring into the emptiness before him.

I tremble in anger as I listen to him, from his description and the pained murmuring I'd heard from Jun, I figure that he must had done many, many more things to torture Jun to the point of breaking. I realize that this man……this horrible person had done evil things to torture my friend, driving him mad out of dread. But here he is, talking about it in front of me as if it were nothing; he speaks of it as if he had been merciful toward Jun, the same like releasing a kitty after breaking its leg by your own bare-hands is merciful. Just…how could he?

***

When night arrives things would always get worse for me, mentally……pathetic as it might sound, I've been experiencing a dread of darkness which had never been a problem to me before.

My dreams are haunting me now, night after night I woke up with a start in the dark, shivering all over and panting breathlessly like I'd been running. I can never recall clearly of what I'd seen in those dreams but I know he was there, haunting my sleep. I swear I can still feel his possessive touch, his breath ghosting against my skin even after waking up, the imaginary sensation is unbearable but vividly clings to my brain, making me wonder whether it was really just a dream or was it the creation of memory. If I reached deeper into my own mind, I would recall the few previous encounters, the feelings of his hands on me……which I've been desperately trying to block out from my mind. 

In those nights when I wake up in the middle of the night, feeling so lonely and scared, I wrap myself up with the blanket just to feel some warmth. Shivering I cling into the corner of the bed, searching for the non-exist comfort and sense of security that only obliviousness might offer.

This time things aren't any different than the other, when I wake up there is a strange sensation surrounding me, my body feels unusually heated despite the cool weather; I twist around beneath the blanket, feeling uncomfortable. I'm almost sure that I must be in another of those dreams that had been haunting me, but I still have no idea why it is strange to wake up and why it feels different than the other times before. I will my eyes to open as best as I could, only to see shadows shifting before me in the dark. The realization hits me at once and my body shocks up on its own trying to sit up, only to be halted by a hand gently pushing me backward. my eyes widen in shock and confusion as I being pressed to lay on my back. As my eyes begin to adjust to the darkness in the room, my shocked stare meets his eyes, unblinkingly looking down at me, with unreadable expression within his gaze. I can tell that he is sitting at the edge of the bed, right next to me, one of his hands pressed against my chest where my heart racing like crazy.

Sucking in an uneasy breath, I try to move away from him but he stops me easily. I can only stare when he bent forward, his face only a few inches away.

"Aiji, did you have a bad dream?"

What can I say? There's no way I can tell him how I really feel, that he is the worst nightmare that I can't seem to escape from.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay…I promise that we will get some more…exciting things to read about in the next chapter. Comment please!


	15. Shadows part 15 Bad Dreams

Part 15

I sit alone in the living room, doing nothing in particular. Most people would be sounding asleep by now but I'm still widely awake, staring up at the full moon high above the deep black night sky out of the window. It's passed midnight already.

Taking a last drag of the cigarette, I stand up from the couch which I'd been sitting at; and slowly made my way upstairs. 

I enter into your hidden room as quietly as I could. Sweet, peaceful darkness is there to greet me as soon as I close the door behind me. I don't turn on the light for it would probably wake you from your sleep, and the darkness doesn't really bother me, for I know the inside of the hidden room like I know the back of my palm, and there is also ray of faint moonlight seeping inside, illuminating the inside of the room.

In my hand there is a small pot wrapped with ribbon, it's a gift that I'd wish to send you. But I don't think handing it over to you at daytime is a good idea. You are too jumpy when you see me around, but I really do want to make it a surprise for you.

Beside, I also have another reason for such night visit, sad as it is tomorrow I would have to be away for nearly an entire day, so I won't be able to spend time with you. Therefore I want to leave you with something to remember me by, a little gift to keep your company for the rest of the day.

Did I mention it before? I had been watching you in sleep for a few times already, when I sneaked into your house to be closer to you; you just never noticed. But so far you haven't wakened up for once, nor did you notice my presence, so there's no reason for me to think this time thing wouldn't be the same.

I make my way to your bed, where you sleep just as I've expected, but not as peacefully as I had pressured. you turn slowly on the bed, murmuring something in your dream, but you never open your beautiful eyes when I approach. 

Quietly I place the pot on the nightstand according to plan, after that I should have left by then; but when I'm about to walk away, I hear you whimper all of a sudden from behind. I pause, turning myself back toward your direction, and you whimper again, makes me wonder whether you're in pain. 

I go back to you, stopping right next to the bed, bending down to have a better look of your face, it doesn't take long for me to notice you have a troubled expression on your sleeping face, your cheeks flush with vague blush and a knot formed between your eyebrows, your chests raise and fall more heavily with every heated breath you have gasped out.

Worrying of the possibility of you getting sick, I curse myself inwardly for not caring good-enough care for you while brushing your tresses away from your forehead, then I press my palm gently on your temper in order to feel your temperature, but it seems normal enough to me, only that being up-close I can feel your skin heated beneath my fingertips when my hand travel downward to stoke the side of your cheek. The finding leaves me confused even further, had I overlooked something? 

The little sounds of your gasping targets something inside of me, making my heart thump for unknown reason even though I still can't put a name on that feeling just yet…

I draw back a little, watching you and study your movement more closely, you twist under the blanket as if having a bad dream, and the movement causes the said blanket to slip down from your torso. I sit down at the edge of the bed; with one hand still cradling your cheek gently I let my free hand to travel down to the curve of your throat, stroking slightly in a feather-liked manner and much to my surprise your body seems to arch to my touch, now you are half-turning toward me. And as soon as I hear the way soft whimpers escapes through your lips I realize my previous guessing of you being sick was probably wrong.

It doesn't take me long to realize what is wrong with you, my heart starts to race as realization dawning upon me. Almost thoughtlessly I peel the blanket further off of your twisting form, looking down only to find what appears to be a bulge beneath the loose pants you are wearing.

The evidence of your arousal only makes me go rigid with anticipation and sudden excitement; I land a hand on your chest, smoothing the tensed muscle there, I can feel the strong unsteady beating of your heart race. 

I can feel a smile gracing my lips as I see how you lean closer as I touch you, seemingly liking what I've offered. Then suddenly you frown deeply and within the next second, your eyes snap open, our gazes meet and your expression……it looks as if you're in shock.

So I lean down to get closer to you, asking you whether you had a bad dream, even though I am quite certain the answer wouldn't be positive after I'd seen the physical state you are in, still I wait for you to answer. You struggle to get up to rest on your elbows, backing away and jerk with a gasp of surprise as your back hit the headboard behind you, your expression being a mixture between shock, confusion and dread.

Such expression on your face saddens me; you shouldn't be frightened of me, love. Didn't I promise already that I would never hurt you?

Again I crawl to the bed, reaching for you. With one of my hands press against the headboard next to your head, my free hand soon find your clothed chests once more and begin to calm your nerve by caressing you gently. You stir under the touch but you haven't moved away, your eyes widen as my hand travels downward to your abdomen. When my hand goes further down to teasingly stroke your inner thigh, you seem to realize finally the now-obvious aroused shaft making itself known through the fabric of your pants. Despite the darkness of the surrounding I still can see you blush brightly due to the realization. With a shaking hiss, you quickly put your hands down to cover your private out of shyness, at the same time trying your best to turn away from me.

Wasting no time, I snake up to cover your slim body with mine, arms wrapping around you shivering form. Now I kind of have you trap against the headboard, with you desperately gripping the edge of the wooden headboard so tightly as if it were the matter of life and death. Then you whimper again when I press my head against the crook of your neck, adding my body weight to you so you can't wriggle away that easily.

You let out a breathy gasp as my hands move downward along your sides before they find the heated stirred member.

"Let me help you with it…" I whisper hotly into your ear seconds before I reach beneath the bank of your boxers, you stir immediately, becoming so tensed in my arms, I could hear your breath catches in your throat out of nervousness and probably shame. But there's nothing to be ashamed of, love. It's just a normal body's reaction, it's just normal to deliver pleasure to your loved one when he needs it. There is no need to resist what I've to offer. 

Almost immediately your shaft hardened in my grip as I start to work around your heated flesh. I smile against your skin when I hear you moan out of pleasure despite yourself, then I lick teasingly along the fine curve of your neck as I put your boxer completely down, releasing your manhood which is on its way to fully aroused. You're shaking your head from side to side with various 'No' crumbling down your lips through your labored breathes, you have finally let go of the headboard and now you're trying push me away, twisting violently as you do so. I pin your hand down as I press you to lay on your side with me still holding you against me from the back, my other hand never pauses from the ministration of pleasuring you. Your words of protest are cut off suddenly by a pleasure-filled groan as my fingers find the top of your arousal and start to circle around the head repeatedly, your entire body shocks violently due to the pleasure I'm giving you, assuring me of the fact that despite your protest, you still like my treatment, undeniably enjoying it.

You let out another sexy moan of yours when I lock my lips against your neck, taking in a mouthful of flesh in before sucking it intensively. From the way you are tensing and bunking back against mine, I know you're close. But instead of speeding up, I stop my movement, gasping your arousal with a firm grip so you cannot reach climax. You let out a sob as you struggle against me, desperate to find release. 

Seizing the chance, I lean down to whisper words of comfort into the shell of your ear. You reply with nothing but small sobs of dissatisfaction, I almost take pity of you then but I quickly remind myself it isn't time to give in yet.

Instead I murmur again next to your ear. "Say it; tell me what you want me to do for you..."

You twist again, then within the next few seconds nothing happens, all I can hear in the darkness is your shaky breathes and the sobs in between; your body trembling more badly than before. I know I would have to wait but I don't know exactly for how long I can hold myself back, the sounds of your pants and moans, the sensation of you wriggling against me, it's almost too much. I clench my teeth just in order to hold onto some self-control, knowing if it goes on for too long I'll not able to resist the sweet temptation of taking you. You're so warm, so delicately sweet in my embrace; my sanity probably can't bear the thought of not having you.

My own breath nearly hitches in my throat when I finally hear a barely audible, desperate "Please" from you as an answer. I smirk victoriously, placing another kiss on your nape before I loose my tight grip, fingers once again stroking you in the most intimate way possible. Finally a loud pleasure-filled groan tosses itself from your throat before you come, your hot sticky fluid coated my fist and your abdomen with thick white, certainly that we have just made a mess across the bed, but honestly I couldn't care less at the moment.

Shortly afterward, I somehow manage to turn you to face me. With one of my hands still drawing small circles along your smooth inner thighs, I press a small kiss on your forehead before I shift down slightly to kiss you lingeringly on the lips. This time you don't shy away or do anything to stop me. In fact you have become so still in my arms, doing nothing other than panting to catch your breath. Your eyes are still opened but they seem kind of unfocused. 

Your quietness kind of bothers me but after a while I decide that I don't really mind this since you've been behaving so well to my treatment. 

Therefore, I reach my hand up to cover your eyes with my palm. 

"Sleep now, dear." I murmur softly, a while later I remove my hand and is glad to find your eyes already closed just as I'd commanded. I put a pillow underneath your head so you can go to rest more comfortably before I sneak out of the bed, being aware of the fact that I have an erection to attempt to before I can go back to clean you of the mess we'd just created.


	16. Shadows part 16 Numb

Part 16

I didn't cry that night, to be more particular I can't, no matter how much I've been screaming in shame and agony from the inside; still I was not able to shed a single tear for the one thing that he had robbed from me, something I can never get back.  
The humiliation is too great to a point that I have to shut my emotion away, or I'd just break down. I'm too drained both physically and mentally to do anything to stop him when he comes back. Soon I feel the sensation of a towel, wet with warm water, caressing my abdomen where had been tainted with the fluid of my own shameful release. He cleans me rather thoroughly before he removes the towel, putting me into fresh underpants, and put the losses trousers back up. 

Then I felt the bed shifts softly as he climbs to the bed and lies beside me, before I could do anything I feel his arms wrapping around me, putting me closer. My eyes snap open at once in the dark and my sight drifts fearfully at his direction, dreading of what he would do to me next. His face is hidden by the shades hovering among the murkiness, but he makes no further move, just hugging me like one would hug a stuffed animal…or……

I slap myself hard mentally to stop thinking any further before the last thought surfaces from my mind. 

I can't remember falling asleep; the will to struggle or even to think had long been fainting away. Still one thing remains clear among the unbearable numbness.

The desire to escape burns brightly; I need to find a way before he breaks me, which I know he soon will.

***

In the next morning when I open my eyes again, much to my relief he's gone, I can no longer feel his arms around me. I got myself up to sit on the bed, looking around anxiously but to my relief I am alone.

I scan the now too familiar room again searching for anything that might seem to be out of ordinary. So far, just as the various failed attempts before, I have found none, every furniture is in where it used to be, nothing has changed.

It seems to me that nothing ever would be changed in this locked place; everything is so still, so lifeless, unnatural, suffocating…… 

After taking a closer look to my surrounding, I finally notice that a large basket is left on the table though. From what I can at the edge of the handkerchief covering on top of it, I know there is food within the basket. By now I can feel my stomach wriggling but I force myself not to pay attention to it. The faint smell of warmed food lingers slightly in the air, but I can't find the urge to eat, thinking of what had just happened last night, I afraid that eating would only ends up in me puking; just in order to let out all the disgust I have felt toward myself, and him.

Then another thing captures my attention. This time it's the ray of sunlight that seeping from that round window on the ceiling. The light, it seems to be brighter than I've ever seen it to be. 

Dragging myself away from the bed with the blanket still wrapping around my shoulders, I move slowly toward the spot where the precious sunlight has pooled around on the floor, as if this fainting ray of light can really save me from the terrible chill that has been creeping up from the core of my being.

Tears slowly begin to gather at the corners of my eyes as I stand still beneath the round window, looking up I take in the tiny bit of sky outside of the small window, my eyes never blinking. Never in my life did I ever know being able to see the sky above head, or having the touch of weak sunlight upon your own skin would be so much of a blessing. For a long time afterward I just stand there, letting the tears fall down freely till the shivers subsides eventually. 

I don't know how long have I been standing here, but eventually I manage to wipe my own tears away, and steel myself to get matter into my own hand like I should have done long ago.

 

After all the self-pitying and despair, my mind has finally becomes a little more functional and now I'm anxious to find a way out of this prison. By then I'm still clinging to the hope that I can escape from here……I have time to figure things out again before he returns, do I?

I start from searching for a possible route of escape. I know I have done this before, various times; I had already found that he had already considered everything carefully, so there's no easy way out from here, even if I screamed for help, no one would hear me so I don't even try to do this.  
Still in this seemingly hopeless state I refuse to give in, there must be somewhere…some place I'd not noticed before…I must keep remind myself of this as the search continues; if I were to accept there is no hope, then I might rather be dead.

At first I try to break a blocked window which is located in the bathroom, but I soon find out the window isn't only locked up, but being blocked with wooden planks from the outside; with no tool at hand I still wouldn't be breaking those thick planks. I sigh in deep frustration, but there isn't much else to do, have to move on to find another way.

After a long time of looking up and down, pressing my hands against surfaces of walls or floor to feel for whatever possible route of escape. Finally my sight turns upward and out of chance I discover an ventilation near the ceiling. I move a chair below it next to the wall, climbing on top of it to reach there. It's rectangular in shape, not very large but seemingly large enough for a person to enter. It is protected by a layer of wire mesh. Someone had taken care to paint the ventilation with the exact same color of the wallpaper, still after spending enough time staring at the unchanged-surrounding I had managed to spot it, a possible route to freedom. 

 

I giggle for the first time I can remember, the urge to jump with joy is great but I quickly get a hold of myself, I have just found a possible escape, but still having to try if it can really work…

Carefully I pull at the wire mesh and the steel board around it without damaging them; then I find a slightly loosed nail at the corner of the board, little by little I try to loose it further by twisting it with my fingers. It is a difficult, painful possess but I clench my teeth to get it through. Finally the tiny nail falls to the floor beneath the chair, I move on to work on the other nails without a pause. By the time I manage to put the entire wire mesh out of its place, the room had already been darkening, and the edge of my finger nails have already been caked with dried blood. It hurts but it doesn't spoil the joy when the mesh hits the floor and the ventilation is left open eventually.

I put myself up and climb into the ventilation, peering inside in order to search for any possible threat. Inside it is only a dusty, gloomy narrow tunnel for ventilate use, as I can feel slight rush of cool air circulating within. The tunnel seems dark, and endless; with no flashlight for source lighting, there is no way I can tell where does this tunnel lead to, and the exact length of it is completely beyond me.

Should I just get in, exploring this new territory without a backward gaze at my miserable prison? But I do look back, and I notice that the room is by now indeed darkened. What time is it? I have no idea but it must be nighttime already. 

Suddenly my legs tremble due to standing in the same position for such a long time, with some difficulty I manage to climb off of the chair, sitting on the floor nearby waiting for the circulation of my legs to come back, trying to think of what to do next as quickly as I could.

He didn't show up this noon, but he used to visit during nighttime at least once a day, so he might return in any time soon before I manage to escape through this new found ventilation…?

Then I heard the faint noise of car coming to a stop on a driveway, the noise comes out of the opened ventilation, coming from somewhere outside of this house, it is barely audible but I swear I had heard this! It startles me for it's the first time I heard any sound from the outside world, but the realization hits me right away, it must be him returning.

I stand up abruptly, holding the wire mesh in my hands as I climb back up to the chair, placing the mesh back to its place in a hurry, making it looks as if I had never touched it. Then I jump down from the chair before moving it far away from that corner of the room so he won't suspect me of going near the ventilation. I look at the closed door, afraid that he might enter within the next second and catches me red-handed. What should I do to avoid provoking his suspicion? Is there something I should do, some evidence is still left behind?

I scan around the room in utter panic, nothing appears to be out-of-place, but in the next second I look down at myself, my own hands…... Realization hits me right at my face, my hands are covered with dust and my fingers caked with dried blood, not to mention the front of my clothes is also dirtied up.

Hissing, I rush toward the bathroom and wash my hands till they are clean again. There's no mirror on the wall for me to check my face with, anyway I still wash my face with water to clean any possible spots of dirt away. When everything is done I hurry toward the closet, gripping the nearest t-shirt and change into it, hiding the dirty clothes underneath the rest of the outfit.

Now it seems I had removed all the evidence, tiredly I sit myself on the bed, eyeing the ventilation on the wall. The wire mesh is still in place, there is nothing that might signify to him of my intention to escape, finally I sigh deeply in relief.

Still, out of experience I can tell he would come upstairs soon, the thought of having to face him and keeping him company after I was so close to finding a way out saddens me immediately. 

Soon as I hear key turning itself in the lock, I quickly hide myself under the blanket, closing my eyes and pretend to be asleep.

In the darkness behind my shut eyelids, I hear his footstep approaching. My breath nearly hitches before I can school myself into breathing steadily again like a sleeping person should. Then I feel the bed shifts slightly as he comes to sit at the edge of the bed, he is now sitting next to me. I don't dare to move, my eyes are still closing tightly keeping up the facade of peaceful slumber. Then I feel fingers brushing the tress away from my temper before a pair of lips lands gently on my forehead for a kiss. The tenderness of his action again startles me, stirring up a confusing emotion from the depth of my heart. 

After that he does nothing more but he doesn't leave neither, for all the while he remains sitting there next to me, I can feel his eyes on me, but not in a threatening way.

"Sleep tight, love……I will see you again in the morning."

With that he finally stands up and walks away, not long afterward I hear the door closes behind him and then a 'click' for the locking sound. I lay in the same position as before, trying to push the unwanted strange emotion out of my mind before I drift into the land of slumber. I shouldn't think about such things……I had found a possible way to escape from that madman! I should focus on how to make the plan work out, that's the matter of life and death after all… 

With dread, anticipation and a fragile sense of new-found hope blooming in my heart, I fall into sleep.

Even though from the hideous events in the past few months I should have known it wouldn't be easy to escape from his spider wed-like scheme; how stupid I had still been at this point. Soon this vain hope would be proofed as a false belief.


	17. Interruption

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This time I realize what sound it is. The doorbell at the front door, it is ringing.

part 17

The next morning when I go to spend time with you, I slowly come to notice that something is wrong but I can't pinpoint what exactly was the problem. I can only feel that something is out of place and the feeling is bothering me; itching at the back of my mind. 

You look somewhat nervous the entire time when I'm there, more nervous than you usually had been. The expression on your face also makes me feel uneasy somehow. You look almost…mischievous, as if you are excited over something, but you won't let me know what it is.  
When I look at you, you can barely meet my stare. I feel puzzled by your strange attitude; it looks like as if you were hiding something from me. But what is it? What are you trying to hide from me?

Shrugging, I try to shift my attention to else where. Then I notice the pot I'd given you in the previous night; I can't help but feel disappointed; even since I entered the room, you haven't noticed my gift, not even glancing upon its direction for once.

What a disappointment.

The realization spoils any joy that I would have when I spent this morning with you. For a second I feel angry with you, you who, both consciously and subconsciously, keep on refusing to acknowledge me with all the methods you managed to pull out. 

You're mine now, but why are you still not accepting it? For how long do you actually think that you can keep on with such foolishness? 

Maybe it's time to make you realize the truth…

I pause as I think things over with. Yes…things will work smoother for us if I could go straight to the point instead of constantly wandering around the circle, avoiding the main issue. I also figure, the sooner the realization sinks in to your consciousness, the better. It would be much better than dealing with the little mind-games you had been dragging me into for too long…. For me the game of playing a fool is slowly but certainly getting old. 

Still, if game is what you like to insist upon playing, then I don't mind playing along with you for a little longer, even if it is just for a little bit of teasing and amusement, after all that is what makes life interesting.

Standing at a corner of the room by the wall, I silently observe you but I keep up the facade of casualness as best I could. I wait till I find the perfect moment to seize the chance. I see you try to get up from the chair, your back turning toward me, I see the opportunity I had been waiting for and I act quickly. When you are the least expecting it, I catch you in my arms smoothly before you can stand up fully, bending down to whisper into your ear, in a playful way but I make sure that you can hear the warning tone underneath the surface. 

"What are you hiding…?"

I feel you tense against me immediately, I can hear a small gasp escapes from your lips. You become so still in my arms, and you keep your silence, dare not to move.

"Answer me." I urge you with a more demanding tone, then slowly, very slowly you do turn your head toward my direction. I can see your face clearly this time. Your expression frozen with veiled shock, your mouth slightly parted, your eyes widen with what I can pinpoint as uneasiness. 

Your chocolate warm eyes drift upon mine; I can almost taste your nervousness. Under another circumstance I would take pity on you but this time your helplessness excites something much darker within me.

"I…" 

I hold your gaze as you struggle to speak, and I notice with satisfaction on the way you fail to tear your eyes away from me. 

"I am…not hiding anything…" 

Your shaky reply comes, but it doesn't sound too convincing.

"Lair." 

I am not entirely sure how come I can be so certain about it. There might still be chance of you being innocent, but it is something instinctive, as if I had captured the slightest change in the air, signifying that something is out of place.

"I'm not lying…" You blink quickly as my accusation reaches you, shaking your head slightly before you speak again through trembling lips. "I don't know what you're talking about…I didn't do anything!"

So there's the problem, I actually still haven't found out what you are hiding beyond my back, I only can sense from the sudden shift of your attitude that you do hide something from me. But so far you have let out none of your secret…if you kept on denying then I might find nothing in the end.

Still I can't let you know I am clueless, I have to act like I know, or had already guessed out more than I actually know, just to see whether you'd break down under pressure and spat everything out on your own term; it is the essence of mind-game isn't it? That would be the best scenario I can come up with.

Despite the confusion, there is one thing about you that I'm certain of right now. Whatever secret you had been hiding, you are frightened of the possibility of me finding it out. You look afraid when you have something to hide from me, then you seem to be less able to resist me. 

I smirk among the soft skin of your nape as I think things over. I realize that I'm in no hurry to discover you secret since you're in my hands and you have nowhere to go as long as the door is safely locked. So maybe, just maybe I can use your fear to work on my own benefit, so there is actually a little something to gain out of this annoying situation…

"Do you know what would happen if you lie to me, Aiji?" Your breath hitched as I squeezed you waist tighter. Ignoring the shivering of your limbs, I hissed into your ear hotly. " There'll be a little…punishment..."

I don't really mean it, I would never punish you in any way if I can help it; but the point is, you don't have to know this fact.

My hand travels under the hem of your shirt, caressing the flesh of your flat stomach underneath the material, before it reaches up to find one of your nipples and toy with it. You groan at the contact; your shaking hands come down trying to grip mine, but I catch those hands and hold them together single-handly so I can continue my ministration undisturbed.

You're letting out incoherent pleas as you struggle in my arms, not letting it disturb me, I move you toward the bed nearby till your knees hit the edge of the bed, causing you to fall backward to the soft mattress with me on top of you. When I look into your eyes I see shock there, and hint of desperation too as if you know you can't escape me. 

Smiling sweetly, I slip myself between your slightly parted legs and make myself comfortable there. Dumbfounded, you only stare back at me in shock as I hold you against me, then when I try to kiss you but you turn away, so my lips only land on the corner of your mouth. I don't mind it, as you turn your head your graceful neck is exposed to me, giving me more flesh to taste. Remembering the sweetness of your skin which I'd tasted in the previous night, I let my lips linger to the side of your neck, marking the soft flesh there till the collar I'd fastened upon you coming into my view.

I push back, gripping the leather collar in my hand and pushing at it playfully, before whispering into your ear. "Remember this collar I'd given you? Do you know what does it mean?" 

You make no reply to my question, so I push at the collar a little harder until you snap your watery eyes shut out of discomfort. 

"That means you're mine…" 

With the sentence lingering in the air, I sink my teeth into the flesh below your earlobe. You let out a sob, hands coming up trying to push me away, but I hold you in place, one hand snaking down to the front of your shirt to rip it open. Ignoring your protest I ground my hip against yours, then I hear you gasping sharply as you feel my aroused member through fabric of our trousers pressing against your inner thighs. Involuntarily your body arches against me as I bent down to kiss your collarbone, and then the soft skin of your chest. 

From your reaction to my treatment, I know that you want it too, don't try to deny that my love…I'll make you realize you want--need me...

Then, out of the blue, I think I've heard something…some tiny noise from outside. It is only a faint sound but in the quietness that I'd grown so used to in this haven, the noise sounds like thunder within my ears. I quickly push back, sitting myself upright, my movement still, holding my breath as I focus on my hearing and listen carefully.

From the corner of my eyes I vaguely notice you lying there in shock and confusion, but you lays still not daring to move. I wait, but now I hear nothing, perhaps I'd overreacted…could it be the case? 

Just when I am about to turn back and let myself lose in the warm, sweet temptation that is you. The muffled tiny noise comes again from somewhere beyond the locked door again.

This time I realize what sound it is. The doorbell at the front door, it is ringing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay suspense here! Who's coming this time? Will poor Aiji finally escape? You'll find out in the next freaking chapter!


	18. The third party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything began when the girl appeared in front of my office; it all starts when she nervously pleads for help from us, the police force, to find a close friend of her, who had been gone missing for weeks.

Part 18

I have been standing in front of the ran-down house since the past few minutes. The house is surrounded by tall, untrimmed trees and the front yard is also in need of some gardening, for tall overgrown weeds are swaying under the light breeze.

At first sight, this house looks as though it is uninhabited, abandoned. But after studying the exterior of the building closely for a while, I manage to notice that there seems to be lamplight seeping through from one of the closed windows. So the house in front of me must be still functional, which in turn means it is in fact still being inhabited.

The last thought lightened my mood slightly; this at least means my searching has not yet come to a dead end, that there might still be hope to find some more clues before I leave this middle-of-nowhere.  
Nervousness scrapes through me as I stared hard at the windows one by one, hoping to catch any moving figure, any movement from behind those windows that might proofs to me that someone is inside.

Had I just mentioned nervousness? Yes I admit that now when I think I am close to track down the target of my investigation, I'm feeling nervous, uneasy to a point of having my own sweat wetting both my palms like a newbie who had been just out of the police academy.

Taking a breath, I start walking through the short pathway that would lead me to the front door, again I notice the said path looked clean, is devoid of trash or fallen leaves, the finding only confirms my conjecture of this dilapidated, gloomy-looking house being actually inhabited. 

When I reach the front door eventually, I knock on the door, then wait for whoever might be inside to open up. But my knock had gone unanswered, so I knock again, this time even louder; still nothing happens. 

After banging on the wooden doorframe for the third and fourth times, a mixed feeling of anxiety and disappointment seized me abruptly. What if there was nobody in the house? What if someone was actually inside but he(or she) simply refuses to open the damn door? Suddenly I am not so sure of myself anymore; once again I can feel sweat seeping across the inside of my palms. I know only too well that if I were to left empty-hand from here, I would definitely reach the end of my rope and all of the hard work I'd impacted in this case would all come to nothing. I will have no more useful clue to continue the investigation.

With such thought haunting my already tired mind, I feel a frown forming between my eyebrows, and I also feel the beginning of a headache lurking underneath my skull. Sighing out of annoyance, I have to bring my hand up and wipe the knot smooth, trying to calm myself.

Truth be told, I have never expected a simple missing person case would put me through such a long investigation, bringing me so far to this point.

Everything began when the girl appeared in front of my office; it all starts when she nervously pleads for help from us, the police force, to find a close friend of her, who had been gone missing for weeks.

Missing person case? That sounds uncomplicated isn't it? That was what I had first thought too when I heard of the case for the first time, but I admit I had late changed my opinion after I dug deeper into the mystery.

As circumstance would have it, the day when the girl whose name I late learnt is Niiko, went to the police station, I was on duty so she was directed to my office by my fellow colleagues. That was how we met for the first time.

She was a young woman in her early twenty, with shoulder-length deep-blonde hair; she used to be the cheerful, likable, happy-go-lucky kind of person. I say 'used to' because during the day when we had first met in my office she was obviously far from being cheerful. There was no hint of smile on her lips, and her eyes spoke volumes of worry and anxiety, a clean sign that something was bothering her, something serious, a matter of life and death.

It was that troubled, serious look on her face that goaded me, unconsciously into doing whatever I could to help her.

Back then I asked her to sit down and listened to what she had to say, at first she told me that one of her colleagues, her ex-colleague to be particular since the café they had worked at had already been closed down. According to what Niiko said, this certain friend of hers had gone missing for at least a few weeks and no one seemed to be able to get a hold of him ever since, causing her she to think that the said person might have gone into trouble.

I admit that I was hardly impressed when she finished filling me in with the information of that fellow friend of hers, a young waiter whose nick name was Aiji. I almost began to wonder what could make Niiko so worry about her fellow colleague. Isn't it common for youngsters to leave their works once in a while? That there might be chance that her friend would just show up tomorrow safe and sound, refreshed from a vacation he just happened to forget informing his relatives and friends about?

But when I told Niiko of my conjecture, she frowned at me annoyingly, insisting that she had known Aiji well and he wasn't the type to just go up and be gone, leaving everything behind without telling a soul where he was going. And she kept insisted that something must be 'wrong' with him, she was nearly in tears when she pleaded again for help of the authority.

Then the girl burst up with the real reason of what she had been truly anxious about, it was because of the misfortune incident that took place in the café they had worked at right before Niiko's friend disappearance. The manager of the café was found brutally murdered, plus she and her friend, Aiji were among the firsts to discover the body which was hanged in the kitchen's huge freezer.

I felt sorry for her after hearing this, no wonder she would be so disturbed and suspicious when her friend vanished almost right after the death of their manager. But according to my training, what she had told me still wasn't enough to launch an in-depth investigation yet, simply because there was nothing to proof something life-threatening had befallen her friend; that the disappearance and the murder case of the manager couldn't automatically add up. 

Of course I didn't tell her any of this, she had enough to worry about already and I didn't want to upset her even further, instead I dropped down all of the information Niiko had informed me with, then sent her to the door with the promise of trying my best to help, even though I doubted in what way could I be really helping her. The chance of finding her lost friend was thin, with so little clues it was impossible to find a single person in the sea of millions citizens.

Later that day I checked the information of Niiko's friend by using the computer databank, I quickly found the file of the person in question and opened it.  
Usually if you were a normal citizen in no conflict with the Law and Order, you would have left little to none detail within the massive police's databank; probably saved for records of speeding at most. Still this time I expected the record of their manager's murder case to be mentioned since surely both Niiko and her friend would be called to pen down their statements if they were among the first to discover the dead body.

Within minutes I found the information of this certain murder case just as I had expected, but much to my utter surprise I found not only one record of murder, but two, and there was yet some other records related to this youth……

I checked the records one by one, and my eyes widened when I found this friend of Niiko, Aiji had been involved with two unsolved homicide cases within the same year, and it had already been twice a time for him to be among the witnesses who discovered the victims' bodies.

There might still be chance that this two times were just unlucky coincident for the youth to come right into the middle of murder scene twice in a few months time. Still, after reading all of the records repeatedly for a few time, I found it harder to accept these as coincident. Especially when I clicked yet another record to find that Aiji had been the sole surviving witness of another mysterious murder case dating back 7 years ago…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been such a long time…hello pals, is anyone out there still reading this story??? During the time of my absence I had been screaming constantly in agony due to the lack of bloody terrible things to write. Anyway, hope you guys enjoy this, and comment!!!!!!!!!


	19. Investigation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The young man never went into details about his suffering, only hinting that needles and various electric devices had been used.

Part 19

Despite my prediction, Shinji Mizui, a.ka. Aiji hasn't showed up after all, neither did Niiko nor anyone else received any news from him. to the rest of the world and the authority, the young man remains a missing person, his fate remains unclear.

During the past few days I read through the files again and again, I even enlarge and print relative news from various newspapers and pin them on the wall of my office. Among them I spread a map which marks the locations of the two murder cases plus the addresses of the few related parties in it, hoping that those information would somehow help to solve my thought straight.

As time passed by I soon realize that I am somehow obsessed with the case, the mystery surrounding the missing youngster and the murder cases that seem to be following him. I had a missing person case, two murders and a few clues in my hands but so far I simply cannot see where this whole mess is leading me anywhere. It really was like nothing I had ever encountered before in my career. 

As I sit on my chair, staring at my collection of newspapers cut-out and the large map, something sparkles in my mind all of a suddenly. WaitI stand up walking toward the wall till I'm right in front of it and look at the map again; suddenly I realize somethingthat beside the two already-mentioned murder cause, there is another bizarre homicide taken place in the same area.

Almost thoughtlessly my hand reaches for a highlighter as I struggle to recall the exact location where the homicide had taken place; I find the name of the particular train station and mark the name on the map. Then I step back for checking, only to be confirmed by what I've already been suspecting: there were actually _three_ unsolved murder took place in the same area, instead of just two.

A middle-age man, whom was infamously known in the community for his cruelty toward small animals and other deviant behaviors, were being pushed off the platform of the train station during rush hour, right before the eyes of hundreds of witnesses. The man was crushed to a bloody death by the train almost instantly, but the one who was responsible for the murder, has still been at large. 

No motivation has ever been uncovered since despite the fact that the victim was unpopular among the community still he hadn't yet done anything serious, terrible enough to motivate people into actually slaying the man 

And then there was the issue of location about this bizarre murder case, the train station is just a few blocks away from where Aiji has been living

The murder took place during rush hour, when everyone was on their way back home after a long day of work, the station would be crowded for sure

Did Aiji see it happen? Was he actually there, at the same platform where the man had been pushed?

Though I doubt that I would ever find out the truth if the youth failed to reappear but I won't be surprised to learn that he was there that day, the same like he did during the other two murder cases.

If the whole damn thing were by any mean another coincidence, I would just go out buying a lottery just for it, no doubt I'd win!

I sink back into the chair, snapping my eyes shut while wiping them with the back of my palm, once again deep in thought. 

Around this youngster, three men had already been found dead under suspicious circumstance and another man went insane.

When checking the youth's relationship with the people who were closed to him, I actually come up with another surprise. What I had found was that one of his friends, a young man called Jun, was being sent into asylum after a nerve-breakdown. His doctor had recently reported his condition to the police force after the said doctor found what he believed to be evident of foul-play, suspecting that the young man had been abducted and abused before he reappeared again under suspicious circumstances.

And guess who had tried to report Jun's missing to the police but was ignored in the first place? Aiji did.

***

Later I contact the doctor who is in charge of Jun, I found his number through connection with police office in Jun's home town, where his parents had taken him back to for recovery. The doctor has agreed to meet me during the following day once I revealed my identity and insisting that Jun's case might be connected with another case that I'm investigating.

Though it was only half truth that I told the doctor there is an investigation, when in fact my superior had showed little interest, therefore right now I am still the only one to work at the case, alongside with various other more demanding cases that weighted all of us down.

The doctor only manages to meet me for about half an hour in his office, after the polite greeting I went straight to the point and asked about when and how he had noticed that his patient's condition might be more than just a simple nerve breakdown. As he hears my request, the doctor shifts in his armchair uncomfortably, the expression on his face signifies that that's something he would rather not bring up so easily but on the other hand he just knows that the circumstance wouldn't have it that way. Finally he begins to talk, and it was not a short story.

To sum up, the doctor first met Jun shortly after he was sent in by his parents, by the time he was there the young man could barely speak at all, he also showed an extreme fear of being touched in any kind of manner and he suffered night terror frequently. It didn't take long for the doctors to realize Jun was suffering with some kind of post-traumatic stress disorder; appealingly something shocking, traumatic had happened to Jun before he collapsed, damaging his mental well-being. Since Jun can no longer manage to speak on his own behalf in any proper manner, it took the doctors sometime before they could find evidences that hint at the horrible story behind Jun's strange condition.

The first sign that the doctor had noticed during his treatment with Jun was the fading scars around both of the patient's wrists, under observation those scars look suspiciously familiar with marks of bondage, signifying that the youth had been tied down by some sort of thick rope; beside those faded scars, what alarm them even more is the bruise around the patient's neck, which looks like someone had wrapped his hands around Jun's neck and squeezed tightly. Photos of those marks and bruise had been taken and later sent to the police.

Beside the physical evidences mentioned above, when Jun's condition improved he began to speak of the strange, frightening experience. At first what he had described sounded bizarre and incoherent but the doctor kept listening to the young man and finally he managed to put pieces of puzzles back together.   

According to the note the doctor had penned down while listening to Jun's speech. Jun's nightmare began when he was kidnapped abruptly on his way back home; he never saw his abductor's face because through out the abduction he had been blindfolded. The next thing he knew he was being taken to a cold, quiet place with no light on, tied to a chair, the unknown abductor didn't gag him so he had tried to scream for help but no one seemed to hear his cry. 

For sometime being he was left alone until his throat went harsh from howling, but then he heard a door being opened and someone walked in and soon the youth was subjected to different kind of torment. Like it was mentioned before Jun never had the chance to see the abductor's face but judging from his voice it was a male about Jun's own age. 

The young man never went into details about his suffering, only hinting that needles and various electric devices had been used. He cried out for many times asking the unknown person why he was doing those cruel things to him. The abductor had rarely ever response but Jun remembered that at one point before he was about to pass out due to exhaustion and stress, he heard the abductor inched closer to him, whispering into his ear.

_"He's mine, it's wrong for you to steal him away from me, it's your own doing that I have to teach you this lesson."_

The man had said a few other things but Jun is unable to recall any of them, also he never knew what the guy was referring to who the 'he' in the speech was, but it was the closest thing for an explanation. 

The young man never knows for how long he had been captured but after what felt like an eternity, a cloth moistened with chloroform was passed against his face causing him to lose consciousness. When he came to again, he was lying face down in the middle of an empty street, he looked up to find no one in sight, and the sun was setting down near the horizon. Dreading the darkness of the night that would soon fall upon him and all the nightmarish things he had suffered alone in the unbreakable darkness, Jun fleet from that empty, unfamiliar street.  
His memory from then on was a blur, he cannot recall how he manage to go back to his apartment, nor his parents coming over and send him to the doctors. The clearest, most vivid thing to him was his fear of darkness, and the low, cold and frightening male voice and the man's touch that tortured him within his every waking hour.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Jun!!!*hugs* but what do you think?


	20. Encounter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what kind of person I had expected to see, maybe a stubborn old man living by himself, but I must admit I didn't expect to see the cleanly dressed, calm, sharp minded-looking man like who I'm facing now.

Once I become more certain of what I should be looking for, soon there is only one location left which fitted all of kidnapper's terms. An entire deserted residential district, far away from other inhabited blocks, public facilities or main road, an utterly abandoned district, with a next to nothing inhabit rate.

The only thing that didn't fit my speculation was the fact that this place isn't somewhere close to where Jun had been discovered. But an explanation quickly comes into mind: If the kidnapper needs to operate in an remote area such as I'm suspecting, then he must be in need of a vehicle, a mean for transportation and the removal of his victims.

At this moment I feel so much pride for myself, I had just made all the speculation by myself, without the help of my coworker, and all of the conjecture of mine sounds just so� _neat and reasonable_ , all I need is some solid proof to back my beautifully constructed speculation up.

I had been in my profession long enough not to allow the prideful feeling to overcome me, I know having the right sort of guessing is still pretty far from solving the mystery. I'll also need suspects. Without a proper suspect or two, the case of Jun's abduction and the missing person case of the young Mizui will still be going nowhere.

In order to proof my own conjecture, I will need some carefully done fieldwork��

***

A few days later, I finally manage to make time to carry out the fieldwork so to speak. Before I left I informed my superior that there is a missing person case which needs to do a little bit more routine investigation, just in order to further the previous investigation done by my coworkers more thoroughly. I play down my request to make it look like there is nothing special about it, I take care not to mention my suspicion on the missing person case being connected to a certain case of abduction and etc. I had already made up my mind it is too early to reveal that much. There is still chance that what I've been looking at the wrong direction, that my guessing was wrong.

Just as I had predicted, my superior accepts my explanation about wanting to look a little closer into the missing person case, and gives my request a green light. My superior makes it obvious that as long as I don't request extra manpower to help to carry out the investigation, he is willing to allow me to do as I wish; at least for a short while. For that amount of freedom I'm grateful, therefore at the end of December I set off in a disguised police car, heading toward the ran-down district where I suspected Jun was once held captive. 

Before I leave the police station behind, I briefly wonder why would I handle the case with such secrecy, why did I half-consciously withhold information from my superior and coworkers like this. It is something that had never happened before.

If I were to be completely honest with myself, I would answer my own question by admitting that Niiko, the anxious young woman who had met me in the police station seeking for help, plays an important factor on my attitude toward the case. As unprofessional as it might sound, I want to be the one to solve the mystery of her friend's vanish, it's mostly for her sake that I'd gone through all the progress of detection and research.

Little do I know this tiny bite of selfishness and self-importance is going to cost me.

***

After reaching to the outskirt of the deserted area, I found a spot to park the car and lock it for safety measure, from then on I would continue my trip on foot. I hide my gun under the causal jacket I'm wearing along with the other necessary items, just to be on the safe side.

At first I came up with nothing, though it is not unexpected, the area is even more deserted than I'd previous learned, most of the standing houses I've encountered look long abandoned and shabby. Most of the streets are also empty. There are a few times I caught sight of figures from a distance�homeless persons or wanderers on the street, retreating back to the shadows of a nearby building once I caught sight of them. There also are times when I walked pass a seemingly empty house, I can sense eyes peering up to spy on me, all of these encounters are harmless and I pay those drifters no heel since the two carefully planned and excised abductions weren't likely to be committed by street people. Therefore those encounters lead me no further into the heart of the dark mystery I hope so strongly to solve. 

After walking the whole district from one end to another for nearly an entire day, much to my disappointment, I still haven't discovered any clue. Need not to mention my spirit drifts lower and lower as time past, with conjectures one worse than the other filling my mind as I struggle to keep clinging to my belief.

Maybe everything is in vain, maybe I had gone to the wrong direction.

Perhaps there is nothing for me to uncover, because�

Because the kidnapper had already escaped, moved onto a new predatory hunting ground for his dark amusement. 

Because unlike Jun, whom the kidnapper had been willing to release; Niiko's lost friend is already dead. Murdered, disposed of.

I feel something twisted in my chest as the bodies of the murdered victims I'd ever seen flashing before my eyes like I'm looking into a kaleidoscope, then in my mind eye I picture Niiko's face, tearful and filled with sorrow when she learned of her friend's fate. Tortured, murdered, violated, disposed of.

If I gave up right here, then it might well be how Aiji Mizui might end up becoming, like the handful of unlucky teens, whom I had seen in my line of work.

When daylight is about to go completely out and I am about to lose whatever hope that's left in me, I find that house.

The equally shabby-looking yet inhabited house, standing at the corner of a deserted block, almost hidden by the thick tall lines of trees and widely overgrown weeds surrounding it.

But after standing before the house, walking around it for left to right and observing the external parts of the building for about a quarter of an hour, I decide it definitely worthy for a try to knock onto the door and talk with the house owner. For the owner might be able to give some helpful information about the area he or she lives, maybe they had noticed something unusual in the recent period of time.

There is also possibility for the house owner to know nothing, I has been a police officer long enough to know it isn't usual to find useful clue in just one routine check and questioning.

But the chance of finding clue, and even someone who might be suspicious enough for further investigation in this routine check is still there.

***

I ring the bell and wait patiently for whoever might be inside the house to answer the door. I gaze at my watch as I wait, a good two full minutes had passed still no one is there to answer the door. I begin knocking on the door loudly, hoping to gain a reaction from whoever is inside the house, still nothing happen.

Anxious beyond word, I took a step back to stare at the closed doorframe, calculating what I can do next. Beating the door down like what you would see from those TV dramas isn't a solution. Without a proper warrant I lack the authority to go inside any building uninvited or do any kind of search without the house owner's consent. The best I can do is to be polite and ask for cooperation from the good citizens.

I am so deep in thoughts and worry that I almost failed to hear the small noise of the door before me being unlocked. Startled, I look up just in time to see the closed door being pushed open, revealing a darkly clothed male figure standing in the middle of a darkening doorway.

It is a dark haired man in his mid-twenty, or early thirty at most; which is just about my own age. I don't know what kind of person I had expected to see, maybe a stubborn old man living by himself, but I must admit I didn't expect to see the cleanly dressed, calm, sharp minded-looking man like who I'm facing now. After answering the door, he just stands there eyeing me impassively, a hint of a questioning look within his dark eyes.

Unconsciously I straighten myself and put up a polite smile and murmured a 'good afternoon', which doesn't gain any sort of response. Though the man's expression does shift slightly when I finally show him my identity card, then does he realize exactly who have showed up at his door.

"How may I help you?" Raising an eyebrow, the dark haired man asks, his voice remains as impassive as before.

I give him one of my best smiles before giving him my second name--Ishikawa, revealing myself as a police detective, just in case he didn't read all the detail on my police ID. Then I go straight to the point. "I'm here for a routine check, so I would have to ask for your cooperation and a little share of your time. By the way; may I have the pleasure to know your name?"   

The house owner pauses for second, before giving me his family name in a flat, uninterested voice. According to him, he goes by as Murakami, an unremarkable, unmemorable family name, which I somewhat find to be kind of�unnatural. Somehow I just find the offered name hard to be identified with its supposed owner.

My thought is interrupted as the other man stepped back, inviting me into his household. I admit I'm taken aback by this, most people wouldn't be so attentive, they usually would just let the police officers stand in front of their doorsteps, hoping to get rid of us as quickly as possible. The man appears to me as a well learned, reasonable person, just like any other law-respecting citizens. At least he didn't get pissed off or demand to see a warrant before he decides to cooperate and invites me into his house.

 

So I thank him for his kindness before stepping into the house. I let the house owner guide me into his living room, both of us settle ourselves down upon a couch opposite of one another. Unlike the overgrown garden just outside of this living room, everything within is spotless, orderly. I am not in a hurry to start asking questions, my professional training had taught me the value of observation. So I take time taking the surrounding in.

The first thing that I find to be slightly _disturbing_ about my surrounding is how�blank and _lifeless_ it is within this extremely tidy household. I glance upon the desk nearby, finding no photo frames on top of it, there is also not a single photo of family members or loved ones to be found anywhere else. I sense no presence of woman either so I am almost certain that my subject of observation is living alone. There is also no personal belonging or items to show me a hint of the house owner's interests or character. The living room is bare with only a twin set of couches, a small television set being placed upon a boring plain blue carpet, beside it there is a steel desk and the laptop computer atop it, nothing else.

The unnatural feeling keeps itching at the back of my mind. It's almost like I had stepped into a cardboard cut-out house more than being inside an actual residence, with people living, sleeping and doing domestic activities in it. 

Meanwhile, I'm aware of the fact that my host sits very still opposite of me, waiting for my first move. His unblinking eyes keep studying me, like a patient predator studying its opponent.

I clear my throat, and the sound echoes rather loudly within the room even though I didn't aim to disturb the quietness surrounding me like this. Nonetheless, I get my prepared lines ready when I start the conversation. 

"I'll ask you just a few questions. It's about a young man who the police force has been searching for, who's been missing for weeks." 

It isn't exactly a lie when I said the police has been searching, even though so far I'm more or less the only one who did all the work.

Very slowly, the raven head nods as a sign of understanding, but he doesn't say anything. So I fish out a photo of the missing person�a photo which was taken by Niiko right before her dear friend went missing, and hand it to the quiet man across the desk.

Mr. Murakami accepts the photo, then holds it up to his own eyelevel to study it with an unreadable expression for about a full minute, longer than most people would. Eventually he puts the photo down onto my side of the low desk before he answers.

"I'm sorry, Detective Ishikawa. But I don't think I'd ever seen this person before."  

I have to take a deep breath before I go pressing on my demand. 

"You don't?" I sigh with exaggerated disappointment, then I continue in a good nature tone "But would you please just take a closer look at him? Maybe it'll help you to remember something��you know, memory always resurfaces slowly to most people." 

The sharp look that flashes through his feature second before he quickly adverted his eyes elsewhere indicates that the last thing he wants is to waste more time looking at the same picture. However, he does what I'd requested. A long moment later, he once again puts down the photo and shakes his head.

"I'm very sorry, sir. But this photo just doesn't ring a bell." 

I had to reach my arm out to take the photo back, while I'm still busy trying to figure out more questions to ask Mr. Murakami--without arousing his suspicion that is. The raven head comes up with his own question, a step ahead of me.

"May I ask why would you choose to do questioning in this area, Detective Ishikawa?"  The man asks rather thoughtfully. "It seems to me that�..you'd picked quite an unusual area to do your detection job��"

I definitely can't tell him the truth, and I only have seconds before I can make up some passable excuse to maintain my facade of 'an officer who merely wishes to carry out his routine'.

Before it's too late, I decided to gamble my luck.

"You see, Murakami-san; we had received a report of sighting of the missing person in this neighborhood�� "

It is barely noticeable but I still see the muscles of Mr. Murakami's face tensing. But it's too early to tell what the man's reaction might be indicating.

"We've eyewitness' report about the young man in question being seen sitting on the passenger seat of a black vehicle. The spot of sighting is quite near your neighborhood."

I'm lying through my teeth about the eyewitness' report, I'm only saying this in an vain hope to provoke an reaction, if the raven head before me _does_ have something to hide, then he most likely will react to such a bait.

"You mean, the person you're looking for had been abducted in this neighborhood?" The man who referred himself as Mr. Murakami let out a deep sigh. " That�it's quite difficult to imagine such a thing happened so close to home."

"I didn't say anything about abduction, we don't know exactly what had happened just yet." I calmly reminded him. 

All I had ever said is 'missing', but why would the man concluded so soon that it has been an abduction? That really is curious��

This time my host gives me a barely veiled sharp look, signifying that I'm almost outstayed my welcome.

"If you have no more questions, then I would like to ask you to excuse me, Detective Ishikawa." When he speaks again, his voice is still flat but it has also turned icy." I have��stuff to do. You'd understand this, do you?"

Keeping myself in my best behavior, I smiled to him understandingly; telling him I don't mind it. Then I offer my hand for him to shake. After a pause Mr. Murakami accept it and we shake hands formally. Standing up, I decide to try my luck for the last time.

"Murakami-san, would you allow me to use your bathroom before I go?"

This time he hesitates, annoyance nearly breaks through his calm facade but like before, he quickly restraints himself.

"Why not?" Shrugging, he points his finger at the hallway just outside of the living room. "The bathroom is right there, go all the way in, turn left and you will see it at the end of the hallway."

I murmur a 'Thank' under my breath before hurry off toward the said direction, humming as I go. My feet carry me to a part of the house that I hadn't seen before. And this part of the household continues to strike me as unnatural, for everything within the household is being arranged in a too�artificial manner; the uneasy feeling just wouldn't leave me.

But so far I haven't found anything to proof my suspicion, then after using the bathroom I'd be running out of excuse to stay within this house.

I walk right into the bathroom in case he decides to follow me. Still humming I close the door, though instead of doing my business right away, I find a suitable wall, and press my ear upon the cold surface of it, listening in carefully, listening for any suspicious noise.

Up to this point I still don't know what I'd expect to find, all I know about this household and its owner is that, as acceptable as they both seen to be on the outside, still both of them give me a bad feeling, a very bad one. 

And I'd get to the bottom of whatever that pale faced Murakami person might be hiding��

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ARGHHHHH it had been FOREVER since I last updated this story!!!!!! I didn't beta it before I posted! And, comment please!!!! The epic/scary part is about to come damn it!!!


	21. Confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Up to this point I still have no desire to harm Ishikawa—police won't let the killing or disappearance of a comrade of theirs to slip pass so easily; but if Ishikawa ever becomes a threat, I must prepare myself to do what I need to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: slight NC-17 scene in this chapter

Part 21

_  
You see the delicious skeleton  
You realize your death desire _

_The hour came to taste you  
What you did when delirious   
The world will never know such dark fruits_

_-Scelette Delicieux (Feat. Monika M), from Nekromantik 2 OST_

__

 

When he finally overpowers me, ripping my shirt open, all I can sense is inescapable horror welling from inside of me like springs of dark icy water. For the longest time all I can do is to lay still among the mattress, my limbs feel numb and useless no matter how hard my brain tries to command them to move, to protect myself. For what feels like longer than eternity, I am too scared that I seemed to have forgotten how to breathe. 

Despite my weakening struggle and protests, deep down I know I had failed, once again my struggle had been proofed useless in front of him. I can feel tear of frustration once more gathering around the corners of my sore eyes. I know what's to come; I can read the lust and terrible longing in his piercing dark eyes despite the dim light. I am not innocent enough not to know what he is going to do to me after I'd already failed to put a stop to his action.

When he bent down to kiss me, all I can do is to turn my head away in desperation and shut my eyes tight as if it would make everything better, which in reality I know it can't. Much to my own shock I feel my body arching up toward him as he sudden grounded his hips against mine in the wickedest fashion imaginable, his lips caresses the flesh around my collarbone, teasingly marking me with his teeth.

Within the next second my eyes widened in pure terror, I can't believe how I am reacting to his touchesmuch to my horror my body seems to have a will of its own and it's now shamelessly yearning for more of those sinful contacts now. All of a sudden it has become difficult to think clearly as dread, disbelief and lust warring violently inside my confused mind, slowing my resistance even further. 

He must have sensed my defense slipping by then, for I can almost feel him smirking against my skin as he leisurely places small kisses along my exposed shoulder, before making his way back to my neck. By now he has already known he gets full control over me, and he doesn't waste time to use his dominating presence to remind me how I'm powerless, both mentally and physically; showing me once more how useless it is to struggle against the invisible chains that he'd fastened me in

I would have fallen right into the illusion of complete hopelessness that is forced upon me if his action doesn't come to a rapid, unexpected end. 

Before I realize what is going on, he is drawing back, his upper body straightening into a sitting position. His muscle tenses visibly beneath the thin shirt he is wearing as he looks back to the door behind him. I recognize the dark look on his face when he half-straddling my thighs, staring back at the locked door silently for the longest moment, as if he were listening to some nonexistent noise, something that my ears had failed to capture.

Seizing the rare opportunity, in a quick movement that surpries even me, I claw backward to sit myself up a little against the headboard of the bed, trying my best to draw a distance, away from him. Much to my surprise, this time he let me escape.

Even though it is a relief that he'd stopped, still I'm terribly confused, and frightened. What is he doing now? Is that something wrong with the current situation I've suddenly found myself in? What 's wrong? What's wrong with him? Just _What is he doing?_

I don't have time to think any further, for all of a sudden he is climbing out of the bed, away from me. Once he gets back to his feet, for a moment he just stands there next to the bed as if he isn't so sure what to do next. However, his glace falls back upon me in the next second, I can see those murky cold eyes softened, then he is leaning down to place a small kiss upon my lips. 

The touch is light, the kiss has been brief, lasting not longer than a heartbeat, and I'm too frightened that I can't do anything to avoid the unwanted kiss. 

Before he turns away I swear I have seen a smile spreading at the corners of his pale lips.

"Be good, love. I promise I'll be back soon"

With the whisper lingering in the air, he makes his way out of the hidden room, his dark figure disappearing behind the doorframe.

Then the door is shut, I hear the key being turned within the lock, then the fainted sound of footsteps from the other side of the door, after that there was only silence.   

The only thing I can think of after he's gone is that, _thanks goodness I'm safe for a moment; he isn't going to do that to me, not yet. Not yet. NOT YET---_

For me, time is running out. If he tried again he will have me undone. I've no illusion about myself any longer. By now I'm fully aware of the fact that if he ever had me powerless beneath him once again, I wouldn't be able to escape. Without my noticing, my strength had declined so much to a point that I can hardly keep up the fight.

Once the realization sinks in fully, I can't do anything but to let out a sob of agony.

***

Sinking back down to the couch, I let out a small sigh as I see the detective disappears into the corridor, allowing myself to drop my facade down for a moment. 

The conversation I had had with the detective mustn't have last for more than half an hour but already the pressure is bugging at me. But so far, it seems I had passed the test, Detective Ishikawa seems to be oblivious of what had been hidden right out of his reach. If everything went the right way, then Ishikawa would soon go right through the front door and leave us in peace once more.

For a brief moment I allow my thought to linger back to you, the shock and barely veiled relief on your flushed face when I drew back. I hated to leave when you were once more within my reach, so vulnerable and tempting before me, your lovely eyes filled with unshed tear. The memory still sends a deep thrill down my spine; at the same time my impatience upon myso called guest only seems to grow. His very presence is nothing less than an inconvenience, a presence that I cannot help wanting to get rid of.

I must admit I barely can hide my surprise when Ishikawa handed me your photo and stated that the police is actually looking for you. Who might alert the police in the first place after I removed that little friend of you? Obviously someone had done this, much to my annoyance. 

The detective had also mentioned about the witnessing of a black vehicle that might be connected with your disappearance, this is even more alarming, for even though I thought no one had seen me when I made the trip back here with you but it seems like someone had done just this. The police do have some eyewitness who had given them that piece of information, otherwise how to explain the detective able to describe the color of my own vehicle correctly? That can hardly be a coincidence. 

There might be no escaping from other people's peering eyes and gossiping mouths, regardless how careful you might be. I sigh with irritation. But it would be too soon if I were to lose my grip and give in. No one deserves you. No one but me cares about you and I refuse to just give in and give you back to the world that causes you much pain for so many times in the past. Those peoplethey don't even understand you as much as I do! And I'll be stopped at nothing to keep you safe.

The last thought helps me to calm down. Yesfor me the decision had long been made, and I'm not so naïve a person to think that no one would ever try tearing you away from me. People do ask questions once they sense something is amiss, but it doesn't matter. Starting from the beginning I know what I'm doing and I'm determined to go into great length, enduring interrogation of any sort just in order to keep things as it is now. Even to wait until you come to your sense and accept it's what meant to be for the both of us

With my head clear of any doubt I become more alert, soon I realize the detective has been away for what I feel longer than necessary. I hadn't kept count of how long exactly has Detective Ishikawa been out of my slight but his long absence starts to arousal a sense of suspicion from deep within my dark mind. 

That Ishikawa fellowat first thought, he appears to be someone who's simply doing his job. But the more I think about him, the more I suspect he might know more than he let out. There're a few moments during our conversation, when Ishikawa's eyes glowed briefly with a sharp look that fails to match his 'friendly but slightly dull policeman' front. Perhaps, I hadn't been the only one with something to hide and lie about for the whole time.

A cold flame is ignited darkly inside my being once I think things over. Up to this point I still have no desire to harm Ishikawapolice won't let the killing or disappearance of a comrade of theirs to slip pass so easily; but if Ishikawa ever becomes a threat, I must prepare myself to do what I need to. 

I stand up from my seat before soundlessly snake toward the corridor, toward where Ishikawa is supposed to bethe bathroom. I slowly make my way there, carefully listening to any movement or sound in my surrounding. However, even the bathroom's closed door is now in my sight, I still fail to hear any sound from its direction. The quietness is troubling, now I finally realize it has been a while since I last heard the detective's humming. 

There is still chance that I'm being paranoid, that Ishikawa is nothing more than the harmless idiot like he had appeared to be, but if you were in my shoes, then you must realize there is no such thing as being too careful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PS: in case you don't know
> 
> Murata = Kirito and Kohta's second name.  
> Ishikawa = Takeo's second name.  
> Mizui = Aiji's second name.
> 
> Source: Wiki English (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pierrot_%28band%29)
> 
> Plus, my favorite author = Haruki Murakami
> 
> All clear now, right?
> 
> PSS: if you want to listen to 'Scelette Delicieux' please click this link, be warned that the video is HARDCORE NC-17 : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rDOEmmQjCfY
> 
> I didn't look back to double-check, and I'm so freaking tired that beta-ing must wait till tomorrow. comments are love!


	22. Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ___You realize your death desire_  
> 

Part 22  
__

_You realize your death desire_

_-Scelette Delicieux (Feat. Monika M), from Nekromantik 2 OST_

__

There is no other choice, all there's left for me to do is to try getting through the ventilation system, into the air tunnel beyond it; and try to find a way out of this building as soon as I can.

I'm aware of the fact that all odds are against me. I know nothing about the structure of this building which serves to be my prison, I don't know what I'm going to face once I get myself out of this hidden prison cell, I don't even know if _he_ had already set up any sort of security system or alarm in and outside of the house to prevent what I'm now trying to do. The only possibility I can rule out is the existence of a sidekick, I know that he's too confident, too obsessive and cunning to need an accomplice or sidekick to help him along with his evil scheme. 

That alone might increase my chance; if someone is there to distract him, then maybe I can make it��

Wasting no time I move the same chair beneath the ventilator, but a single chair would not be enough to support me to get into that air tunnel, so once more I look around the room to find something more for support. Then I remember the large wooden cabinet near the wardrobe, and the books which lay among the floor. Hurriedly I run to where the cabinet is placed, then drag it across the room and put it against the wall before I place the same chair on top of it. Next I pick a handful of books which are large and thick, solid enough, then put them atop the chair. Only then do I dare to hope I can reach the opening that is so high up on the wall. Balancing myself the best I can, I climb on top of the wooden cabinet, then with careful steps I get on top of the chair, with those thick books beneath my feet, I take a deep breath to calm myself down, before I raise my hands up to remove the steel board covering the opening of the said ventilator, my only route for escape.

As carefully as I can, I slip the steel board down to the floor; luckily it drops to the carpet, hardly making any sound. I stare at the opened ventilator before me. The air tunnel beyond is barely wide enough for one person to get through, and it is much darker than I'd expected.

Suppressing my childish fear for darkness and unknown, I begin climbing into the ventilator.

It takes some time to get myself completely in, as I'd expected, the space inside the air tunnel is narrow, barely able to allow a grown man to crawl his way through the limited space, I feel the cold, rude surface of the inner walls press uncomfortably against  my shoulders when I crawl, on my hands and knees in the dark. Most likely years had pasted since the last time the tunnel went through some cleaning, therefore the tunnel is filled with a thick layer of dust. But for someone who's as desperate as I am, dust and dirt seems to be the last of my worry. There is not a single doubt in me about escape. I know I have to try before it's too late. I fear that the longer I'm caged here, the faster my sanity would slip.

Inching my way forward in the blinding darkness, I begin to crawl deeper into the narrow air tunnel. It isn't long before the said tunnel takes a turn at a corner toward what I sense is the left, and I follow through. Then I see a tiny spot of light at the far end. Instantly I speed up as much as I can, crawling toward that tiny dot of light. 

It turns out to be an opening covered by yet another worn steel board. With joy, hope and dread whirling violently within me; I peep out through the wire mesh which blocked the round �shaped opening. What I see immediately is part of the wall and the ceiling which are horizontal with the opening, only when I lowered my eye sight then do I see more of the room: it is an empty room with broken pieces of furniture inside, the floor is bare, the faded wallpaper peeling off. But the most important thing is there is a half opened door just across the room. 

I feel my heart leaping with pure joy once I saw the opened door and realized what it means to me: a chance to escape! 

Barely able to hold my excitement down, I schooled myself to resist the urge to exclaim, I also school my hands to stop trembling as they reach out to work on the wire mesh which blocks the passage to the outside world. Carefully I grip the mesh between my fingers, holding onto it tightly and start pushing.

After all the failed attempts to go against the odds, this time around luck seems to be finally by my side. The steel board which holds the wire mesh in place eventually gave in, the rusty nails coming loosed. Wasting no time I dragged the flat pieces of metal carefully back into the ventilation, putting it down beside me soundlessly. Now before me lays bare an empty space which leads to the room outside, I inch closer to the edge of the opening, peering downward. Looks like I'm now about eight feet above ground, with nothing for support, I'd most likely need to jump.  

Gritting my teeth, I turn my direction so now I've my back facing the opening, then I shift my weight a little, dragging my legs backward and allow them to swing outside of the opening. I feel my way along the uneven surface of the wall with my knees and the tips of my shoes, hoping to find something, anything for support. After a long moment of anxious searching, I finally mange to find a large enough jog somewhere near the lower part of the wall. I don't hesitate as I lower myself further down, now I'm completely out in the open, hanging in the midair with my hands clinging tightly at the slippery edge of the opening. One wrong move I might well fall straight down---surely the fall itself would cause nothing worse than a twisted ankle, but the noise it's going to make would definitely loud enough to alert _him_ , especially when the entire place is as quiet as a long forgotten grave. 

Both my arms start arching as I struggle to balance myself upon that tiny jog which I'd previously discovered, soon my fingers got slippery as sweat soaks my palms, making it difficult to hold on. Knowing that I can't hold on any longer, I snap my eyes shut and try jumping down to safety.

The impact of the jump is harder than what I'd expected; I feel the shock vibrating rapidly from the sole of feet right up to my spine. For a moment I fear I'd fall down sprawling on the floor and cause one hell of a noise, but somehow I manage to break the fall in the end, landing on my own two feet, barely able to support my upper body with my own hands before I fall headfirst to the floor. The wooden floor beneath me gave out a dull sound due to the impact of my fall, but the sound it had caused isn't as bad as I'd dreaded. 

I can swear that my heart had stopped beating for a moment before I realize I'd actually made it. It feel strange to be in an unfamiliar room after countless hours of my seeing the same things within the same four walls of my prison, being forced to memorize every single boring detail of every furniture, every single spot on the wall or the ceiling. It feel entirely surreal to be standing a shrubby, yet somewhat _ordinary_ surrounding. After being locked up in that miserable, gloomy trap for�days? Weeks? Surely I'd lost count! Everything around me now looks almost too bright with daylight pooling softly into the room, through a closed glass window on one side of the wall. 

I rush to the window, pressing my face to the tainted glass surface, trying to find where exactly I am, to find some hint which might help me to escapes. But this time I'm met with disappointment, I discover that the room is located on the second floor, which means I'm currently a floor above ground. The window is locked, and there are tall trees and their thick layer of green branches and leaves blocking most of the view away, even though it really is a blessing to be able to look outside and see the open sky and some natural scenery after being forced to deal with the lifeless, unchanging space within the same four walls, still the scenery outside of the window had given me nothing, saves for the knowledge that the building I'm in is likely an isolated place with no other taller buildings nearby, and it is surrounded by overgrown trees.  

From what little I can see, that house�.that building looks deserted, enshrouded. But what else can I expect? I had already known escaping won't be easy. Breaking myself free from that locked prison is only the first step of the difficult, dangerous path.  

Keeping myself close to the wall, I slowly make my way to the half opened door, when I reach there I lean against the door frame, fearfully peering outside. What lies beyond the door is a plain, dull hallway, with small pieces of litters gathering at the foot of the walls, there're a few doors alongside the hallway, but all of them are closed. I breathe a little easier once I make sure this hallway is also deserted. At the every end of the hallway, I notice there's a staircase, leading down to the lower floor.

With trembling fingers, I grip the door frame and pull it backward till there is enough space for me to slip through the door. Once I'm alone in the hallway, panic suddenly hits me like ton of heavy bricks, for I feel so�..exposed at once, the empty hallway is just so�open, comparing with the small prison cell I'd been trapped in for god knows how long. And suddenly I'm scared, not used to be surrounded by so many�space, that is no dark corner, no shadows dark enough for me to hide myself into; I'm left with nothing to hide behind with, nowhere to run to. 

The panic is an unreasonable, childish one and I know it. If I weren't so panicked I'd have laugh at myself, but the idea of not able to hide�.scares me more than I would want to admit. Why it is so, I cannot expect. All I can figure is that after such a long time being cornered and had no real choice on what happened to me. Suddenly it becomes scary to be actually _able_ to act on my own, when the circumstances of my own actions�one wrong move, one unwise decision might be very, very grave. Perhaps that's what frightens me the most.

What he would do to me if he ever realized I'd tried to escape? What he would do if he caught me before I could make it outside of this house? These are things I desperately wish I would never have to find out.

But now there is no retreating, no time to waste being a frightened crybaby either. With on arm wrapped securely around myself, I force myself to walk forward.

When I come upon the first door on my side, I press my ear on the door frame and listen, after I made sure that there's no sound beyond the doorframe, then I try experimentally to turn the handle, but it is locked, then the next door comes, I do just the same, but this time the door had also been locked. I don't understand why these doors are locked while the one to the particular room which I'd made my escape isn't. There isn't enough time to think more deeply, I moved, as soundlessly as I can, toward the remaining door at the opposite side of the hallway. When I try the handle this time, much to my surprise this door jolts softly, then I push harder and it slowly slips open. 

I look into the room beyond the door, but is again met with disappointment, it turns out to be a bathroom, it looks for most part covered with thick dust, unused.

However my mind is solely focuses on finding a window, just behind a half drawn curtain, still more disappointment arrives, for the only window in this bathroom is blocked by thick steel wires.

I leave that door opens as I step back into the empty hallway, now I stand closer to the staircase, close enough to notice there's some noise coming from downstairs, and it sounds like there are two person instead of just one, talking to one another.

Can it be�.. _is there really someone else in the house?_ Is that��is that why he had stopped and hurried away? Because he had to deal with whoever that came visiting?

I can tear gather in my eyes as the thought of someone, a third party being so near, the thought is too much to bear, to think that help might be right there; within my reach��.if only there's a way to contact that unknown person, to make him know I'm there!

Instantly I want to cry out, to scream aloud for help in order to bring attention to myself, to simple let someone else know that I'm here and I need help to get out of this nightmare. But within the next second I get a grip once more. Fear is the only thing which had stopped me. Third party or not, my captor is still very much there. I cannot let him know I'd escaped��

If I couldn't make contact with that unknown visitor, then what can I do? Before I can do anything, I feel my legs giving in and I'm slowly sinking down to the floor. I sit there at the foot of the wall behind me, my exhausted, panic-clouded mind trying its best to figure a route for escape. It's a good thing that I'm no longer in my isolated cell, but I'm still on the upper floor and if I couldn't find a way to make it safely to the ground floor and find an exit to get out of this house, then I'm still trapped.

It seems the only possible way left is for me to climb down the stairs and try to make my way out when my captor is caught up with his visitor�whoever this visitor might be. In a sense I should give thanks to that visitor, whom is an oblivious outsider, whom I know nothing about, because not only his arrival had saved me from getting raped just previously, and now with him dividing my captor's attention elsewhere, he had even unintentionally created a much-needed window of opportunity for me to escape.

So when it comes down to this, I can only count on myself. With shivering arms I manage to put myself upright, then with my back pressing against the side of the wall, step by step I make my way down the staircase quietly. There is another hallway at the bottom of the stairs, I step into it, looking nervously at my surrounding, trying to make sure I'm truly alone, and I am. Vague sounds of conversations still steadily seeping in to the hallway, _his_ voice among them; even though I can hardly make out what they have been saying.

I start to look around for a possible route to retreat�the direction that leads toward where I suspect the living room and the front door are located is simply out of the question. I had to find another route�a backdoor, or a spare room to hide when it's necessary. But before I can come up with a decision, I suddenly notice the sound of conversations had already died down, instead I hear footstep approaching, closer and closer---toward the hallway which I'm staying. And I have no idea who is coming.

Suppressing a gasp of surprise, I make a run toward the nearest door and try to open it, luckily the said door slips open effortlessly, I rush into the room beyond it; closing the door, leaving only one narrow gag so I can see what's going on the hallway. 

It doesn't take long before I hear an unfamiliar male voice humming some melody almost cheerfully as he comes closer. My heart nearly leaps out of my throat as I realize it must be the unknown visitor! It actually is him instead of my captor, wandering near my current hiding spot.

Eventually the 'visitor' himself comes into my view, as he walked rather slowly, passing before where I'm hiding. It is a brown haired man, he is medium in height, his face is a kind, trustworthy one. He doesn't look like someone cunning or evil. Instantly I know that whoever this 'visitor' is, for whatever reason he chose to come here, still he can't possibly be someone who's at the same side with my kidnapper.  

Maybe he would be willing to help me, if only I could just leave my hiding place and talk to him�!  
Through the narrow gag I see the man takes a turn and walk into a bathroom, which is located on the opposite side of the hallway, still humming as he closes the door behind him.

With the humming fainting into the thin air, the entire house falls back into the thick silence once more.

I wait, try to catch some sound from inside the bathroom not so far away, I expect to hear the vague noise of the brown haired man doing��the necessary things beyond closed door. Instead no matter hard I try, despite how much I've concentrated, still I can hear nothing��

 

I don't know how much time had passed before I finally taking a deep breath, steadying myself as I move out of my hiding place. I don't know how I manage to gather enough strength to move forward, I guess desperation is more or less the only thing that drives me forward. I walked through the dull hallway as if I'm sleepwalking, approaching the closed bathroom's door.

My hands are shaking so badly now I can barely hold onto the door's handle, but somehow I manage to do just this and turn the handle, again the door is unlocked and I pull the door wide open without hesitation. I'd already passed the point of being embarrassed or shy away from interrupting somebody else when they are using the bathroom. 

The moment the door is being pulled open, I find myself staring at the brown haired man whom I'd just seen, who is surprisingly fully clothed and currently standing up right in the middle of the bathroom. Whatever he's been doing inside, he clearly isn't been using the bathroom the way that everyone else would use it.

When our eyes meet I can tell the man is startled to see me appearing out of nowhere, in such an absurd fashion. At that very moment I want to do so many things, I have so many things to tell that man to calm down. I know it's a bad thing for the man to be so startled, immediately I dread that he'd just open his mouth and scream blue murder at the sight of me in shock. I very much want to say something to assure him there's nothing to be afraid of, I'm not the bad guy and I mean him no harm��so many things I need to say in order to convince this stranger into helping me, I need to say something to explain myself before I ruin my own chance to escape. But to my horror, nothing can get pass my suddenly dried throat.

Then much to my astonishment and confusion, the man in the bathroom begins to talk to me, his voice low as though he somehow understands screaming is not necessary. He looks so concerned when he stared right at me, his lips working to form questions. I hear his voice but it's as if from a great distance, making it impossible to understand what the man is saying. In fact I'm still struggling to find my own voice. I cannot care less of what he wants to say, I just want him to understand I'm in danger �everyone who enters this house is in danger, and I need someone to take me away as soon as possible. I need him to understand if these torments last for any longer, I'd just go mad.

However, in my chaotic state of mind, I still understand it's no good for me to stay in the hallway, being so unprotected. If I had to convince this man to help me, then I need to do it in somewhere safer. Therefore with shivering fingers I grip the man by the front of his shirt, dragging him across the hallway and make it back into the same room which I'd previously hiding myself into. Once inside the darken room, the brown haired man seems to be taking the hint for he immediately close the door behind him. Finally I let go of him, taking a step back. Even though I'd retreated back into the relative safety with my potential savior, still once again I find myself not knowing exactly what to do next.

The brown head seems to be quite confused as well but at least he is in better shape than I am, and now he's trying to talk to me again. This time around I somehow manage to make sense of his words.

"Shinji Mizui?"

That's the first thing I've recognized. He's saying my own name. He'd said my name. That person knows who I am. But how is that possible? How can a complete stranger know who I am?

Seeing I'd made no response, the man before me asks once more. "That is your name, right?"

This time despite the overwhelming shock and confusion, I somehow manage a nod.

There is a look of relief on the man's face after I nodded my head. It's strange but his reaction makes it look like as though��as though he not only knows who I am, he also cares about my safety. 

I stare at him in utter puzzlement, I don't know how to make of the situation I'd suddenly found myself in. Million questions fill my head. 

"W--Who are you?" When I utter the first thought in my mind, I can hear the fear and uncertainty so clear in my own voice. 

"My name is Ishikawa, Takeo Ishikawa." The brown head answers in a surprisingly steady, assuring tone. "I'm a police detective and I'm here to help you."

I can hardly believe my own ears. But�a police! That Ishikawa person had said he's a police detective and he'd also said he'd help me!

"Please� help me!" 

Every single thought about manner or appearance vanishes from my mind once the realization breaks through. I'm going to be saved! There's already a police officer here! So I do the first thing that I can think of: I once again grip Ishikawa by the front of his shirt as tightly as I can, as if my very life depends on it.

"You have to help me! We have to leave at once! Please Officer! If he catches us here he will---" 

Unable to suppress my fear any longer, pleas drifting down from my mouth at once, I know how hysteric I must be sounding right now but I cannot stop myself. Ishikawa might be a police officer; still he probably doesn't know exactly how dangerous our situation is, exactly what my kidnapper is capable of.

But I realize my pleas and warning hadn't reached Ishikawa like they should. He tries to give me a reassuring smile but I can tell from his eyes he's nervous, even scared maybe. But being a good person that he is, he still tries to calm me down, trying to reassure me that everything would be alright.

Whenever I think back to Detective Ishikawa, I always think that that is what he had done wrong. Instead of wasting precious time to do what he could to comfort me, he should have simply taken actions first. For countless times I had wondered, whether things would have changed if Ishikawa had acted differently that day, if only he had taken action first, if only I'd stayed calm and acted a little less like a burden ��

In my state of hysteria, I fail to notice the door behind Ishikawa had slipped slowly open, inch by inch; and a dark figure silently creeping his way into the room, right up to Ishkawa's back.

When I realize what's about to happen, it's already too late. In the last moment I see _him_ snakes behind Ishikawa with one of his hand rising high above his own head. I notice that he's holding something, some heavy-looking object in that hand, and he's bringing it down right to the back of Ishikawa's head---

When he is about to brain Ishikawa, a brief second before the killing blow, I see that there's no anger or hatred in his eyes, his face is almost blank, there's nothing but an emotionless cruelty there; the same look that people would wear when they clash a tiny, insignificant bug to die. 

I scream like I'd never had before, but it did nothing to stop him from bringing down the blow. 

Everything happens before my very eyes as if it was in slow motion. I see he blows the heavy object down mercilessly, hitting Ishikawa at the back of his head. Ishikawa's eyes widens to the point of bursting as he feels the full impact of the blow. For a moment he is still, as if he is still refusing to believe he'd been attacked. Somehow he manages to turn back at his attacker's direction, but before he can do anything Ishikawa's body finally gives in. 

With an agonized groan, the officer falls headfirst to the floor, crimson drops of blood start to seep onto the floor beneath him.

Then there're only he, my kidnapper and I left standing in the gloomy room, facing each other. Every single cell within my body is screaming for me to run from this��murderer, but I cannot move, my feet feel as though they have been rooted to the floor; leaving me defenseless once more before this cold, horrifying raven haired man, my worst nightmare in the flesh. 

For a moment, he just stands there glancing down at the fallen, unmoving body of the police detective near his feet impassively; his expression may as well be one of boredom. But when he turns his gaze toward me I see his expression shifts from indifference to something else, he gazed at me with something fierce within those pools of haunting darkness, I cannot pinpoint what kind of emotion it actually is but obviously it speaks volume of savage urge to do harm and mar, breaking everything at his wake. It speaks of emotions too untamed, dangerous and��murderous to be allowed in any civilized human interaction. 

I had seemed him staring at me with different emotions: adoration, longing, impatience, lust. But this time it's different, he now looks at me as though he's a predicator and I'm his prey, he can do whatever he pleases to me. Perhaps it's exactly what I'm to him all along��

Before I can think any further, before I can even react, he steps forward, arm shooting out to grasp me by one shoulder. I gasp out in pain as his nails digging right into my flesh, but my cry of pain has fallen into deaf ears. I'm dragged across the room; then he shoves me backward violently, causing me to hit the wall behind me. Pain shoots through me instantly, but the pain somehow breaks the spell that had fallen upon me, immediately I start to fight back, trying to escape him. 

Once more he gripped me before I can break into a run, once more he shoves me back toward the bare brick wall, but this time as I hit the wall he doesn't waste time pushing me against it with his deathlike grips. He presses himself against me, using his weight to pin me down as I struggle mindlessly against him.

When I realize his hold upon me is inescapable, I desperately want to turn my face away from him, not wanting to face him. However, he grasps my chin painfully and forces my head to turn back toward his direction. 

He is so close now, with me losing whatever mobility I still have with my head and neck, it becomes unavoidable for me to meet his piercing gaze directly. And what I see in his eyes makes me whimper in fear.

"Why did you have to do this?" 

I cannot stop trembling as he leans in even closer, his hot breath brushing my face. "Why did you have to make me so angry, Aiji?"

Tbc�


	23. Be my victim

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _You_ of all people shouldn't be rejecting me. The betrayal is too much to handle.

Part 23  
__

_"Be my victim."_

_-Candyman , based on Clive Barker's short novel 'The Forbidden'_

 

You are still struggling against me, kicking, using your hands to try pushing me away, clawing at whatever skin available. Those minor attacks can do me no major harm but they can still bring me certain among of pain and discomfort. I gritted my teeth, suppressing an urge to slap you across the face just to have you under control.

Millions emotions flash through my mind at once, at this very moment I want to do so many things to you, most of them would put you in harm's way. _So you still don't understand anything while I had foolishly allowed myself to think we'd been making some process!_ I'm furious by the sudden turn of events, also by your ignorance, your rejection, your act of betrayal.

The pain you had just physically caused me is nothing comparing with your betrayal had caused me, it's nothing comparing with that one time when you cut me open so long ago, in that abandoned house, when we were both trapped and where all the hellish nightmares had came alive into play.

I was calm when I took care of Ishikawa, but right now I can sense that my calmness melting like ice under the sun, my anger being ignited by your rejection. People else can laugh at me, they can ignore me all they want, they can reject or hate me; I won't mind for they simply don't concern me. But _you_ , is an entirely different matter.

 _You_ of all people shouldn't be rejecting me. The betrayal is too much to handle. 

It has been so long........I can't get you out of my mind. Why can't you understand this? You had already been a _part_ of me, regardless of whether you're aware of this fact, regardless of even my own wish. Honestly, if I had a choice in it I would rather have things been turning out differently. But what you think and what my own wish might be doesn't matter, neither of us have the power to unmake what had been done to us, what we had done to each other. It's simply how things have always been for me, even since our ill fated encounter with that murderous Cult.

Ah, but you don't even remember _that_ , it had taken so much observation, taking me so long to finally figure out you really can't recall what'd happened with The Cult and the kidnapping. I don't know how you had managed to wipe those memories clean but when I found you again in that city, you were as blank as a white sheet of fresh paper.

That discovery had left me with mixed feelings, part of me felt relief to learn that unlike me, you're free of endless nightmares and haunting memories; still I could hardly suppress the disappointment, the rage of not being recognized by you. It feels like......I'm of no importance to you when you had taken over my being for as long as I can recall. 

It also fills me with envy, why are you be able to live such a carefree life under the sun, while I must be alone, writhing in the shades of shadow for so long?

You simply don't remember anything, even seeing me in person has done nothing to stir any hidden memory. But that's no turning back now; I need to keep you here with me. For as unlikely as it might sound, you mean too much for me to let go. It's already too late, the moment when I laid eyes on you again; it was like I had been awaken from such an impossibly long, mind-numbing colorless sleep of death. I realized that I need you just in order to feel _alive_.

For it was when I realize what had been missing. For years after the catastrophe that left me an empty, unfeeling shell; I for once feel life seeping back into my being, emotions which I'd considered dead and gone rushing back into me. For once I know you're different from the others, my twisted, damaged soul longs solely for the light you alone could bring, for the cruelty you alone would know. 

How could a person be both my salvation and doom at once? However, as unimaginable as it is, I had found both in your presence. Your innocence lightens my dark world of nightmares and pain, while your oblivion and heartless forgetfulness cuts me to pieces at the same time.  

Sometime the line between love and hate is a blurry one, with different shades of gray in between. Right now I feel these two contradicting emotions are rapidly merging into one, burning to a point that it's unbearable. It's such an overwhelming, uncontrollable feeling, something I have not felt for so long, it's impossible to hold back.  

****

He is shaking me roughly, like I'm some rag doll, I'm too numb with terror to keep up a real fight. Meanwhile he keeps shouting at me, it must the first time I'd ever heard him raise his voice but strange enough everything he said just simply escapes me, I understand not a single word. 

I didn't realize I've been crying until my vision gone completely out of focus, tainted by my own tear. The horror had just sunk fully in, a living person was brutally attacked before my eyes, it's someone who'd tried to save me and I was powerless to help him backthat is something too terrifying to handle, I'm useless, I had _failed_ not only Ishikawa but also myself.

In the haze of my vision I somehow manage to see his lips moving. He's still saying something and this time his words do reach me, even though I don't want to hear what he has to say, not a single word. 

"Why are you crying now, love?"

It only adds into my dread to hear him referring me as his 'love' even at that very moment; there is absolutely nothing in his voice that can be faintly related to anything loving.

I can say nothing in response, hysterical sobs keep shocking through my body as I can do nothing but to stand there being pinned to the wall behind me.

At this very moment, I become fully aware of not only the fact that he _can_ harm me, kill me if he so desires. And at this very moment, for the first time I truly believe he _does_ want to harm me, regardless for how many times he had claimed that he's in love with me in the past. The urge is there, burning brightly in those usually calm and calculative eyes when his face is merely a few inches away from my own

 

"Are you crying for that foolish policeman now? Huh?" He whispers into my ear, his voice almost sweet but I can sense the malice right beneath the tender facade.

His painful, deathlike grip around both my wrists tightened even more as he pinned them against the wall, just a few inches above my head. He's so close now, he has made himself inescapable, successfully caged me, and this time there's no chance for any form of delay or denial, no chance for an easier way out. The more I struggle, the clearer I become aware of his body pressing against me so hard it becomes difficult to breath. It feels like more than an attempt to block my protest. For an instant it's like.he actually want to crush me, or merging me into his own body so I can never run away.

The thought made the core of my being turns into ice, instantly I feel as though I'm being suffocated. My voice seems to leave me, I can't even breathe

_"What had happened is your fault!"_

Within the next second his tone has changed, shifting back to hatefulness and wrath.

"That policeman didn't have to die, you know. I'd have just let him walk out of the door, unharmed..." He spat hatefully. "But _you_ ruined it! " 

My mind starts to spin as the terrifying confusion clouding my mind. Was it really my fault? Did I put the police officer in harm's way? Did I cost a person his precious life? Poor Detective Ishikawa, he was a good person who only wanted to save me...but now......he's no more, he's dead! A living person, killed before my every eyes! 

Andsomehow he wants to blame Ishikawa's death on me?

"You're lying! You bastard!"

Without thinking, I snap back at him, white hot anger flashes through my brain, making me bold for a moment. 

A sane person would not have reacted in the same way, wouldn't have said what I'm about to say, not in front of a dangerous kidnapper, not when they are in the same situation as mine. But I had been push too far beyond limitation to care, or to think rationally and select my own words. 

"It's not my fault! _You_ KILLED HIM!"

I shout right at his face, struggling anew against his grips with burning rage. He doesn't loose his grips but I at least make him shift backward under the force I've used.

"You don't know anything about caring for other people! You know nothing about _love_!"

Afterward, I would never understand why I had ever thought I really stood a chance in fighting him off. But at that very moment all I can think of is to break free from his strong, suffocating imprisonment, to attack him both physically and verbally without a care of the circumstance, as long as it might help me escape  

"I don't love you! I will never love you! I would never be anything for you! Never!"

The words drift from my own mouth without me truly realize what I'm saying. It takes a few seconds for me to realize what I'd just said, as the fragments of my own words echoing around the empty space within the room, in sudden and complete silence. 

When my eyes finally came into focus again, the expression I see on his face is something I would never forget. He used to be so calm and collective before, but now even this control is gone. From his expression I know that my verbal attack had hit home far more successfully than any of my kick and punch. One glance upon his face is enough to tell me I'd hurt him, maybe far deeper than he'd ever admit.

For most people they would usually be flushed in bright red when enraged, but for him it's different. For the very first time I see his face go so very pale, the reddish anger within his eyes suddenly goes out at once so there's absolutely no emotion left in those cold deep black orbs. It's like his entire being had been frozen. His change is so rapid andfrightening, it's unbearable.

I snap my eyes shut for a second in desperation. That's it. That's the end of the pretending and avoiding the issue. It's too late to take my words back. The truth had been let out. There can be no more pseudo romance between him and me.

What's left behind is the ugly truth, that's the moment I'd always been dreading. The moment that I have to reveal the truth to him, telling him that I'd never be his dream lover, that I'd never be anything for him. And now I very much dread his reaction.

The next thing I know is him leaning in onto me; I open my eyes in fear. I'd expected him to slap me, channeling the violence in him into something physical, but what he actually does is even worse. Before I can even draw breathe and cry out in fear, his hands had already wrap around my neck, and they are tightening in every second cutting off must-need air.

I panic almost at once, automatically my suddenly freed hands grasped around his wrists desperately to loose his deadly grip.

"You can't say that!"

Through the overwhelming panic I hear him whispering to me again, never taking his eyes from my own, never loosing his hold. 

"It's your fault I'd become like this! It's your own fault!"

Too desperate to keep up my struggle for survival, I don't have any strength left to even pause and analyze what he's saying.

"It's your fault you can't you remember about me, about us!"

He keeps on murmuring about absurd things that I can't understand. About me not remembering him and it's my fault that he's doing that to me. That he's angry with me for not recognizing him. What is he talking about? I.....I had never seen him before he kidnapped me!

His deathlike grip around my neck is unbreakable, I feel as though if he increased his force even so slightly, my neck would be easily snapped in two. My brain starts to scream in pure agony due to the lack of oxygen. My mouth has opened so wide to gasp for air, but even I know that it isn't going to save me.

My lungs now feel like they're about to burst within every second. I try once more to gasp for air but nothing can reach down to my painfully burning lungs, to release me from this unimaginable torture. My strength is falling like sand through an hourglass, in that very moment, my vision is darkening over.

I don't even realize since when he had pressed me flat on my back, upon the bare floor. But the last thing I've ever seen is his face hovering above me, so close. His fingers are still locked around my neck, but I'm too far gone already the pain can hardly reach me any longer. A strange sense of calmness had seized me, numbing the pain the fear which should have been there.

At the last moment, what I find really disturbing is the fact that he has tear in his eyes when he's about to strangle me to die.

I want to turn my eyes else where; I don't want this image to be the last thing I've ever seen in this life, but it's too late for I can feel myself starting to fall, endless darkness opens up to welcome me into its chilling, inescapable embrace as everything turns into nothingness.

To be continued.


	24. Panic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What had I done!?

Part 24

Silence, it seems like everything had been quieted down, and I can hear nothing saves for my own heartbeats, drumming painfully against my ribcage. 

I know that I'm sitting on the floor, with my back pressed against the wall, but what had happened before I came to be sitting here, struggling to catch my breath? I find that I can't rememberthat surely is very strange 

I'm aware of the fact that my entire body is shaking, with cold sweat seeping down my back, soaking the back of my shirt. My head is spinning and there's the beginning of a sharp headache forming within my skull. For a moment I feel out of breath, gasping for air I bury my face into my own hands, wiping the sweat away from my eyebrows with my fingertips. I try to keep my whirling, incoherent thoughts under control. At the back of my head I know something is wrong only that right now I still can't tell what exactly had gone wrong.

Something must be wrong hereI justI just have to remember.

Finally when I feel steady enough to remove my hands from their current poses, I open my eyes and take in my surrounding. I recognize at once that I'm in one of the unused rooms in my rented house, usually there is nothing in that particular room but to my horror something is different this time. I see a man sprawling face down on the floor, with blood seeping from the side of his head. I stare at the motionless form and it takes me a full minute to recall who this person is, _was_ : Ishikawa, the police officer I'd previously talked to, a police officer who was looking for _you_.

I had to finish him off, Ishikawa had already come face to face with _you_ , he had found out you're here. He's going to take you from me. So I can't allow him to walk out of the door

Memories start falling back into place. I now remember following Ishikawa after he had gone out of my sight for so long with the excuse of needing to use the bathroom. But I'm no fool, I'd followed him down the corridor after his absence stretched suspiciously. I recall seeing the bathroom being left empty, instead I heard him talking to someone in one of the rooms down the corridor, I remember alarm bell ringing in my head as I recognized who was talking to Ishikawa. I'd heard _your_ voice. And then rage overtook me when I saw through the gag between the door and the doorframeI saw Ishikawa talking to you, suggesting you to get away. This, I definitely couldn't tolerate. Ishikawa had to be dealt with, so I had quickly taken matter into my own hands 

Along my train of thought, something still seems to be amiss. I'm puzzled for a moment before it finally hits me. _Where are you now?_ Within an instant my eyes shift from the fallen form of Ishikawa toward the corner of the room, only to find you're also lying on the floor.

At once I struggle to stand up and rush to your side. What I see makes me gasp out of pure shock.

You're lying on the floor just as motionlessly as Ishikawa does, your clothes is a mess with wrinkles all over them as though you had gone through some kind of struggle. Justwhat'd happened?

Then different sounds and images start to flash through my mind. In my memory I can still hear you screamed. Screaming and crying miserably when I bring Ishikawa down. You were also trying to run away from me, again that I couldn't tolerate. So I had pinned you to the wall, hoping to wait for you to calm down. At that moment I was so confused; I didn't know how come you were there. Did Ishikawa find you and brought you here, behind my back? If it were the case then Ishikawa deserved to die not once, but twice or even triple. Yes I'm almost sure that I'd killed Ishikawa in one go but I had no regret on it. 

I remember thinking: if it weren't Ishikawa, then did you find your way there on your own? As impossible as it might sound, did you .had you been trying to escape? Soon as the thought took shape, I felt anger also starting to rise alongside confusion.

 

I kneel down beside you; with my trembling fingers I touch your face. You give me no response. The color of your face is all wrong. You're only barely breathing. I watch in horror at the swollen, ugly red marks around your neck, it looks like someone had put his hands there and squeeze harshly. It's when I'm forced to realize I'm the one who put them there.

What had I done!?

As much as I want to deny I'm the one who had done this to you, but the memory keeps coming back, I can recall too vividly how I'd shouted angrily at you, I can still feel my heartache when you uttered the unthinkable: you had shouted back, calling me names, yelling at me that you didn't love me, and never will

No I shake my head, it can't be true! It isn't possible! You were only saying untrue things in the heat of the moment. But somehowat that very moment I actually believed them. I got mad and I wanted you to take your words back, I was angrier than I could ever remember myself to be, and then I---

II'd hurt you. The sensation of tender flesh being squeezed tightly, the sensation of my own fingers wrapping around your neck with unchecked force; are still painfully obvious in my memory. 

With a groan, I drag you to my laps, resting your head on the crook of my arm. I call for you to wake up.

"Please wake up! Love"

I repeat for a few times but you're still motionless. And I can see your breathing is getting shallower, coming out in gasps. I unbutton your shirt; press my ear to your chest, to where your heart is located. Your heartbeat is still there, but it's so weak; and it's even getting weaker within every second. 

Much to my own terror, I realize I'd hurt you too badly and I'm going to lose you if I didn't do anything to revive you.

I didn't mean to hurt youbut it's too late. 

There's no time for panic, I straighten myself up and rush out of the room to try finding some medication. Various possible results of suffocation flashing through my mind like crazy. Closure of jugular veins. Spinal cord injury. Heart failure. Brain damage. Death

I snap my eyes shut, feeling helpless and miserable at once; emotions that I'd stopped having ever since so long ago. I know that right now I'm messed up; I'm not in control of the situation or myself anymore. That's a horrible feeling not being in control, but first thing firstnow I must calm down enough to remember any useful information about first aid.

I find the first aid kit at the corner of the living roomit's simply something I'd been carrying at the backseat of my own car before relocating it inside the rented house. I did this more as an after thought. I open the tiny kit, thrusting my hands into it in order to find something useful. Small packages of medicine and roll of bandage fall to the floor. I stare down at them for a second before I throw the kit away with a hiss. None of these are of any help!

I pace around in the room, tossing at my hair in anger, angry at my own uselessness; before I run through the corridor, heading back to where you are.

Once more rushing back to your side, much to my horror within the mere few minute of my absence, your face seems to turn into a deeper shade of purplish red, your skin also looks unnaturally swollen. I recognize it as an alarming sign of asphyxia. 

I bend down to check your breathing, it's only barely there. With no time left to hesitation, I steady myself enough and do what I can to perform a CPR. 

Now I think I know what I must do. I was such a fool! I should have helped you to regain breathing, made sure that your blood circulation is going back to normal. That's the basic of all life-saving skills that everyone would hear about at some point in their lives.

It's risky for an untrained person like me to perform CPR on someone, who had completely lost his consciousness, but I had no other choice, the entire distinct is deserted, the closest hospital and clinic are both miles away from the ghost town we currently are. It'll be too late for you if we're to wait for the arrival of professional rescuers. 

Although I must admit calling an ambulance is the last thing I'd want to do in that situation. I can't allow them to know about us, I'd do what I can to delay this last resolve.

Pressing my mouth to your unresponsive one, I'm shocked to find how icy your lips feel under my touch. I part your lips as widely as I can, then begin to breath into your mouth, hoping to put must-need air back to your lungs. In between, I keep on performing compression CPR, putting calculated pressure on your chests in rhythm in hope to create artificial circulation, pumping blood through your failing heart. 

The progress is a slow and painful one, I carry on nonstop for what feels like forever, but your condition doesn't seem to change. You're still lifeless beneath my hands. It almost looks like all my efforts are in vain but right now I'm also too afraid to stop. Is it too late? Did I commit the unforgettable?Did I break you?

No! I'd not accept defeat like this! You and I shouldn't end in this way! Swallowing back tears, I try once more to revive you. Please forgive me, lovePlease open your eyes! I swear I'll never hurt you like this againneverpleaseI can't lose you like this...

 

To be continued.


	25. No escape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before I drift back into the murky sea of slumber with the heartbeat of my captor a slow rhythm luring me to sleep, I realize that maybe this time there is nowhere else for me to go, and I truly am lost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: I must confess what took place in chapter 23 and 24 is partly inspired by Killing For Company-The Case of Dennis Nilsen (by Brian Masters); a thrilling, fascinating biography of a gay serial killer.

Part 25  
 _  
I blushed again, unnoticed, to think he might have chosen me because, in my innocence, he sensed a rare talent for corruption._

_-The Bloody Chamber, by Angela Carter  
_

 

_  
There is nothing but the white color filling every empty space before my vision, a kind of spotless whiteness, too spotless and bright to a point that you can sense that the color is purely unnatural. It's not the whiteness of the floating clouds, of snow or or bleached dead trees. There's no way for any of us to be surrounded by such perfect, inorganic whiteness in any kind of natural environment._

_It is the kind of dreadful unnatural whiteness which can be caused only by terrible situations, like suffering with snow-blindness, or having bear witness of a blinding explosion too close with your own naked eyes._

_Why am I here? Why I cannot see anything else other than the endless thick curtain of white before me?_

_Little by little, a faintest voice of a woman's sobbing starts seeping into my consciousness, from a distance. Who's there? Who's crying so hysterical, unstable, right at the edge of breaking? Why is she crying?_

_I don't know how much time has passed, but I finally recognize that it's my mother's voice, and she's crying. She sounded so miserable, broken. What could possibly make her like this?_

_I wanted so much to do something, to comfort my mother from the sorrow she obviously was suffering, but to my horror I can't move, can't even stir a muscle. It's just........I can't even open my eyes._

_Soon as the thought hits home, I start to panic. What has happened to me? Why I can't move? Mother......why doesn't she help me?_

_Then I hear my mother's voice again, this time much clearer than before, and for once her familiar voice forms itself into coherent words despite of the heavy sobbing sound......_

_"My son...Please wake up! Open your eyes......please..."_

_I want to...Mother...I want to tell her I'm alright, but not matter how hard I struggle, I can still hardly sense my own body._

_Although my eyelids are still stubbornly shut despite of my effort, but I can still sense the bright whiteness from the outside, blinking, mercilessly piercing._

_What's happening to me? Am I...dying? Is that why my poor Mother has been crying so sorrowfully beside me?_

_"Midori."_

_To my shock I hear my father's voice, seemingly coming out of nowhere. I didn't even know he is also here. He is calling my mother by her name, in that particular manner; something I know from experience he only does when he is the utmost serious. When he is angry, or sad._

_"Please, don't worn yourself out. You heard what the doctor had said. Try to stay calm---"_

_"How can I stay calm!?"_

_The uncontrollable rage I can hear from my mother's voice shocks me, I'd never heard her spoken to my father like this..._

_She snaps back. "We don't even know what_ they _had done to him! Those mad people---_ criminals _\---who had taken him from us!"_

_Then there comes more noise of sobbing,_

_"Be strong, my dear." My father was speaking to her in an assuring voice; still there is a note of anxiety in his tone. " He'll need our support when he wakes up. Our son had already through enough--"_

_What are they saying? It doesn't make any sense to me, why won't they just wake me up and explain everything to me, with a smile instead of sorrow and tear, like they always do?_

_When my mother spoke again her sad voice is drifting with a strong sense of doubt. "But...what are we going to say? I'm scared. Oh I can't stand the thought--"_

_"We don't have to tell him anything, Midori!" Father's firm voice interrupts her sharply.  "We won't want our child to be burdened by such horrible memory, right?"_

_There is a pause of silence, before I hear my mother speaks once more, but her voice now sounds fainted, as if the volume of a radio being turned down._

_" Yes...no need for him to...remember---"_

_.....What memory? What are they talking about? What exactly is the thing they want to keep me from remembering?_

_They talk about other things, but both their voice is fainting, as if being blown away by whirlwind._

_Why can't I hear their voice anymore? Are they leaving? But where are they going? Are they......disappearing?_

_Dread once again grips my heart with its cold iron fist as a thought dawning upon me._

_My parents are no more. They had passed away, had been this way for so many years already. They had long been gone, going to an realm where I cannot follow._

_I am alone now, I has been by myself for longer than I wish to recall._

_Why would I hear my parents talking? Where is this pure white room? Am I hallucinating? Making up the presence of my lost parents and this suppressing white colored place? Is everything just an illusion?_

_Or is it... a memory?_

_Before any other thought can take shape, the heavy whiteness that surrounds me only seems to grow thicker, more suffocating. Waves of panic flushes through me as I realize I am disappearing into the limitless mass of white, the color of nonentity--_

__

 

The thought of myself dissolving into nothingness is, in fact only a brief delusion before I fall right back into the world of senses, visions and pain. Reality has rushed back in all at once and hits me with its full force.

The same harsh reality which has been awaiting me even since I escape to the relatively safe, painless realm of unconsciousness.

For a moment it is difficult to tell dreams from reality, I'm lost in utter confession. I can't tell whether my eyes are open or not, all I'm aware of is that darkness has surrounded me. Darkness, complete and impenetrable darkness, nothing else. I can't even tell where I am, barely conscious enough to even remember who myself is, not to mention remembering what had happened to me. Until the mind numbing pain burns across my weaken body.

 

Pain, once I'm able to float back to consciousness, it is the very first thing which shocks through my whole being.

My throat hurts fiercely, the flesh around it feels very swollen and highly sensitive to pain, making it difficult for me to breath. Never in my life did I know the simple actions of exhalation and inhalation would be so painful.Plus every single muscle on my body seems to be aching, withering as though they want to tear themselves apart. Never in my mind did I experience such agony. What's wrong with me? Why am I in so much pain now?

I don't understand what is going on. But even before coherent thoughts ever manage to begin the process of manifesting itself, my instinct is getting me all kind of signal: fear.

Despite my inability to memorize what had happen previously, the overwhelming sense of dread is still unmistakable. In my state of panic I feel as though darkness is closing in on me, and I can't escape it. I know......I just know that something really bad had happened to me, something leaded me into experiencing such great agony. Something terrifying enough that I'm scared to even try to remember what had happen to myself...

I'm in no condition to cry out for help, I'm too wrapped up in my own misery, the fiery pain is so all consuming that it has robbed me of my awareness to what's going on outside of myself. Therefore when I feel a pair of arms snaking around my waist and the lithe body pressing against me from behind, the mere contact of human flesh upon my own sends my mind into a hopeless outburst of hysteria.

"Don't touch me!"

I try to cry out, but my voice comes out instead as a pitiful whimper. Ignoring my weak protest and feeble attempt to get away, the person behind me simply tightens his grip, effectively locking me in place as he spoons me from behind, tangling my limbs with his own.

I don't want it......I don't want to be touched, it is...it's just too much! Once again my instinct is telling me to escape, to get myself away from here. But there is no fighting against the deathlike grasp on me and my strength just can't keep up.

"Please, don't struggle anymore, love."

out of the blue I hear my captor whispering softly next to my ear. His voice too gentle comparing with the physical constraint he has forced upon me.

"You'll only hurt yourself more......"

Am I really hurting myself all along? Should I listen to the owner of this voice. He speaks so slowly, his voice is deep, with a faint hint of tenderness and assurance.

My body still hurts horribly. It even hurts to think. I'm so afraid. I think I'm going to lose my mind. But strangely enough when that person keeps speaking to me and holds me to him, I find that it seems to smooth the pain, even it's just a little---

This voice, I know I had heard of it before, somewhere. I just can't remember where it was! But why a person who spoke so gently would stir up such overwhelming sense of fear from deep within me? The voice......It's so familiar, yet so terrifying...Why would I feel calmer yet at the same time still hopelessly terrified? What am I really afraid of? I just don't understand.

Unable to know what to do, I can only lay there, only half conscious that my body has shifted closer to the source of warmth behind me, seemingly all on its own.

 

Tear gathers behind my tightly shut eyelids, then seeping down my cheeks as I cry silently. If the person behind me has noticed anything, he doesn't say anything. The pain isn't so sharp and unforgiving now but there's still a dull ache lurking across my limbs. Confusion fills every space of my self but with my body aching so badly and my mind too drain to catch up with the situation I'm in;  I'm too exhausted to struggle anymore.

Before I drift back into the murky sea of slumber with the heartbeat of my captor a slow rhythm luring me to sleep, I realize that maybe this time there is nowhere else for me to go, and I truly am lost.

 

to be continued.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I personally don't like this chapter much, but I hope you're still reading it.


	26. Damaged

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now I remember them. My lost memory, the one thing that my parents had agreed not to mention, the truth that I had forgotten-- _suppressed_ for my own good, a part of myself which had been hidden away from everyone--even from me, leaving me blissfully unaware of the truth until now. Until this very moment.

Shadows Part 26

For what seems like forever, I keep drifting in and out of dreams, my will had became too weak, my body was too damaged and in too much pain to allow me to stay awake for too long. As a result I find myself constantly drifting into limbos, drowned in some sort of semi-conscious state that I cannot escape from.  

Later when I think about it more carefully, I realize perhaps it was my survival instinct kicking in back then, trying to shield me from the unbearable reality.

But the pain that seems to have already hooked its claws on my body deeply, always had a way to jolt me back to the land of the living, even when the only thing I want is to curl up and die. Despite how much I cried for the bless of oblivion, but the constant pain still keeps dragging me back into the cell of my own aching flesh.  

Pain. So much pain, even the simple actions of breathing is torturous. The muscles around my neck has long become a ring of burning agony, and it has remained so for weeks afterward. The progress of healing is agonizingly slow. I know there have to be bruises around over me even when I am still too weak to get up and take in fully of what had been done to me yet.

I still haven’t taken in the full sight of what _you_ had done to me yet, but the pain you had caused me was there, torturing me in my every waking moment...

How can I forget what you had done to me? The pain and damage you had caused now serves as the best reminder. Despite my chaotic memories and the nightmares which threaten to overtake my sense of reality, I still _know_ what you had done, I know you had hurt me. My body, every aching muscle seems to memorize its own ordeal even when my confused, drugged up my can barely grip onto my memories.

The safety and rest sleep once promised has now become alien to me. Now my slumber is hopelessly haunted by endless nightmares and I always wake up from those nightmares with tear welling uncontrollable down my cheeks. 

Sometime it is you torturing me in those nightmares, the other time it is some unknown figures covered in black robes lingering at the edge of darkness. I can’t see them clearly, all I can remember is their cruel laughters, the sense of pure terror those figures have brought me, the cold reflection of a gleaming sharp knife, the image of a pair of hands gripping that sharp knife; the image of blood. Crimson color thick liquid seeping across the floor, slowly reaching to where I stand. Blood. Bright red, bright red.

For many times I am jolted awake in the middle of the night, barely able to tear myself out of the latest horrible nightmare. But much to my pure terror, I can’t scream, no sound has ever escaped past my lips no matter how widely I open my mouth. Nothing comes out saves the sound of my own harsh breathing.

At nights, I usually would cry myself back to sleep, going back to one of my haunted dreams, until the nightmares become too unbearable that I wake up to the equally horrible reality again.

In this repeated circle, it doesn’t take long for me to lose my awareness to what is real and what isn’t. Dreaming and waking simply melt together until I can no longer tell one state from another. 

I still have no idea where am I, I don’t even know if I am still in the same locked house or whether had he moved me to somewhere else entirely different. My surrounding is always so dull and lifeless, and I suspect there is no window in this tiny room for every time I manage to snap my eyes open, darkness would be there to greet me. The only difference being, after nightfall the room would be shrouded in complete darkness.

And sometime he is there,  he slips into the room without making a sound, stepping out from the shadow like he is an elongation of it, part of the shadow, made of it. And yet he takes care of me, cleaning the wounds, replacing the bandages.......he does whatever it takes to keep me alive. Actually it is more the correct words to describe what he has been doing. He also comes to inject me with unknown medicine--probably painkillers, feeding me when I am too weak and broken to do this myself, with no willpower to even try. Those medicines he had injected into my system create a thick fog in my head, keeping me from being fully awake.  

Perhaps it’s the exact result he’s looking for. So that I can no longer fight him, I can’t think of a way to save myself, I can’t even think straight.

 

But...today it is different. 

I have been spending a long time---hours I suspect, lying there and staring at the space above me. Nothing had been changed about my surrounding, but what is different this time......the longer I lie there, the more I am able to tell that...even I can’t believe it at first. But for the longest time I can recall, right now I can actually _think_ in a slightly more coherent manner instead of being locked in a series of messed up dark dreams. 

For the first time, I seem to have enough strength to think about what is happening to me, what is going to happen. Instantly broken pieces of memories rush up before me just as the same time millions of questions fill my mind, demanding to be acknowledged and answered. 

The memory is still so painfully vivid in my mind, whenever I close my eyes, I can clearly envision the moment when he pushed me down to the floor, his hands wrapped around my neck without letting go, despite of my protest and struggle. He wanted me dead at that time, because I had confessed to him of my true feeling. For that reason alone he wanted me dead, instead of acknowledging my rejection..

Still there are unpleasant, dark thoughts lingered at the back of my confused mind. I wonder what is in store for me. What is going to happen to me? Why are you keeping me alive, for what purpose? Is he going to kill me later? No...he have kept me alive long enough for me to realize killing me  probably isn’t his intention. Then...are you sparing me so you can torture me later, to punish me for what I had said to him? Is he keeping me only for his sick pleasure? If so...will I eventually outlive my purpose?

So far he hadn’t made his move. Much to my discomfort and fear, whenever he appears he never says a word to me. He never touches me when it isn’t a necessary. Not once has he expressed his real intention. But...would it really be better if  he made himself clear? Would it really be better if he started making his move instead of doing...nothing?

But I can never reason out any solution for any of my endless questions, I have nothing to lessen my fear. As I had already mentioned, my mind is too drugged, too clouded to figure out a route of escape. My body is still maimed, I have nothing to keep myself going as slumberness rolled me under its heavy weight. 

At one point, I open my eyes and I believe I see him here, sitting next to me. Despite the dullness of the surrounding, I can still make out the silhouette of his face, a pair of dark, piercing eyes half hidden behind his threads of hair. 

I fix my eyes on him, still not certain whether his presence is part of the dreams or not. He may probably be just a phantom which haunts me...

But then I see his lips move as if in slow motion, and his voice seeps through the cold air around me, reaching to my ears.

“What am I to do with you?”

His voice is even, devoid of emotion. He talk as though he’s talking to himself, like he doesn’t really expect to have his own question being answered. 

With my head turning sideward, I meet his gaze as impassive as my frozen heart is. 

What a strange question. He can do whatever he want with me at this point, for I have already lost all my defence; I had already _lost_. Still there he is, sitting here on a chair next to me, looking down at me with dark circles under his eyes, with that nearly...hopeless look on his face, asking me what he should do as if.......

As if he doesn’t know what to do, as if he is as confused, uncertain and frightened as I am...

Like he is just one of the lost souls. Miserable, confused, sad.

But how could it be possible?

“Why...?” Too puzzled by the vulnerability you display at the moment, I speak without censoring my own words, my fear toward you is forgotten for a moment. “What......do you want from me?”

he can’t be still waiting for me to love him back, I had already broken this illusion apart, with my own words......so what would he still want to get from me?

I need to know. Even though I dread his answer as much as I dread thinking about whether I can leave this place alive. After seeing firsthand what he is capable of, I have already realized how slim my own chance is.

The thought brings back the memory about Ishikawa. I dread even picturing his kind face in my mind, can’t bare to think about this---

The dullness of the room cannot hide your surprise, I can tell he is taken aback by my question.

“I want you to...”

For a moment I think he is going to spin everything up, but his voice died down before he can say anything more.

“It’s just...” 

Much to my surprise, he seems to be struggling with words. 

“This existence. It’s too lonely for one person.”

It takes me a moment to realize he is actually smiling, a small, tired smile. “You’re the only one who’d understand. After so many years, you’re still the only one.”

Finally he led down, his lips touch my forehead. 

“It’s always you.”

“Why...why it has to be that way?”

“You know why.” He is now fixing a sharp gaze at me, as though he can see right through me, seizing my darkest secrets from within, so he can take his time dragging them all out in the open. “You should know.”

 

But I have no secrets for him to exploit, I am but a broken shell of my former self. I have nothing left. I am at this man’s mercy, he can do whatever he likes to me. I had already been made aware of this fact, and he knows just equally well that I know.

Through the haze of my darkening vision, something seems to go right through me, right at this instant I came to realize that he still wants something more from me.

He... _wants me to understand why he has to do this, demanding me to acknowledge the reasons..._ How can he ever wants this from me? He had hissed, at a moment of blind anger and despair, that _I am the reason why he had became like this._ Is there...any meaning beyond those words aside from the convenience of victim blaming...?

Can this be possible? Is there something else he wants out of me. Aside from merely use me for his pleasure, taking sick joy in seeing me suffer...is there something...more for him?

A nauseating  sense of realization hits me head on, it is soon followed by an uncontrollable urge to...laugh out loud despite of my pitiful condition, despite of the horrible pain I have been put through. For finally I figure out what does he want.

As impossible to understand, I realize my captor wants me to _understand_ him.

 _”You know why.”_ That is what he said. _”You should know...”_

It goes beyond mere understanding...he _expects_ me to know. He expects me to know him...and with a reason.

Like ices crushing against each other on a dark sea, shattering the stilled air, the silence has been broken and  it all becomes clear to me. Those chaotic images I had seen in my nightmares, the meaning of them; those terrible dark figures I had seen, their identity, the dreadful icy flash of the sharp knife...and the reason why there always were so many blood in those nightmares...  

Now I remember them. My lost memory, the one thing that my parents had agreed not to mention, the truth that I had forgotten-- _suppressed_ for my own good, a part of myself which had been hidden away from everyone--even from me, leaving me blissfully unaware of the truth until now. Until this very moment. 

The reason beyond those nightmares. The blood soaked figure who stood at the center of darkness, laughing, laughter which is so filled of madness, cruel and inhuman.

Laugher that belong to the voice of a child. A high-pitched laughter of a child.

My own voice.

It was my own refluention I had been seeing in my nightmares, raising a knife high above my own head, ready to strike.

The strong smell of blood filled my nose like I am actually living one of those nightmares, I didn’t even need to look down to know my clothes was soaking with it, my own hands felt slippy around the handle of the knife, for my hands were also wetted by human blood.

A blood soaked figure crawling before me, a figure of a boy who was not much older than my dream-self. He was bending over, his face hidden from sight by his black hair but I could tell he was in great pain. He  was bleeding, with one of his hands pressing desperately against an open wound near his chest, trying to stop the bleeding with little success. 

I have no doubt that most of the blood on my hands, my clothes is from this boy before me. 

What had I done?

What did _they_ make me do?

What had I done...to _you_?

Mustering up what little is left of my strength, I take hold of his hand, which is placed at the edge of the bed I’m lying on.

He does nothing to stop me, he is still doing nothing even when I struggle to sit up---only for a moment before gravity drags me to drop right against your chest.

The impact knocks him off balance, sending him falling to the floor, with me sprawl atop him.

There is hardly any distance between us now, plus despite the fall, he still manages to keep me wrapped up around the circle of his arms--is it for my protection, or imprisonment? I cannot tell. I should be afraid of touching my captor. The mere thought of being so near him should have frightened me, but now I am past being afraid, for I need an answer. I need to know if what I had seen in my own nightmares are real.

There’s only one way to find out the answer. 

I start tearing with the front of his shirt with my fingers, clawing at the fabric blindly just to toss it away as if I can tear those fabric apart with my own bare hands, I need to do that. If what I were dreading is in fact real, then there must be some evident left to poof it, proofs that I am--- _guilty._ And I dread what I may discover?

At first his body goes tense, my sudden action has taken him by surprise, but he passively allows me to do what I had started.

At last I managed to put the front of his shirt aside, what laid underneath finally comes to light. And I’m faced by what I have been seeking, and what I have feared so much to see... 

Scars.

A mass of old scars spread across his slightly muscled chests and torso, as if a child had taken a cutter or a small knife and make random cuts upon a white canvas for sport. It feels like there is a spider web formed by ugly scarred tissues spreading before my eyes. 

Someone had taken a knife of him. There’s no denying it.

It is also easy to imagine the wounds reopening as blood seeping from the edges of those old scars, and this man who now sprawls beneath me, covering in blood.

I had seen him bled before, in a long forgotten past. It feels almost like it is a memory from a past life.

Though the memory, the image of dripping deep red before my eyes, the weight of the knife in my hands, the heady smell and taste of blood, all these are no memory from any past life. It is something I had experienced. My body seems to remember even when my mind still tries to reject what is buried deep inside of me. 

It would have been difficult to imagine how much stabs and cuts he had endued, how did someone who had been so badly hurt managed to recover from such injure and stay alive if I can’t feel his steady heartbeat vibrating from beneath your skin. Those wounds and scars had long been healed, fading but never vanishing. It looks like these scars have been with him for years, and they would stay with him forever.

Through my growing panic and confusion, I suddenly feel pressure closing around my wrists. I look down only to discover he has wrapped his hands around both my wrists and is pinning them down with his tight grip. 

For a moment I think he is going to throw me off him. Panic washed through me as this thought takes shape. With both my hands being held down, I can’t fight him---

But it isn’t the thing he has in mind.

Calmly he captured both my wrists with a single hand, then he’s pulling himself up into a sitting position, without losing his hold on me. I don’t realize how badly I has been shivering before he takes hold of my chin and direct me to meet his cool, piercing gaze.

Our eyes lock. 

“So now you see them. And now you know.” There is nothing victorious in his voice, just the bitter, ugly truth. The foul aftertaste in your mouth after the lies has been spined. 

I’m going to be sick.

Those eyes are once again looking right into my innermost soul. He sees right through me at that moment, and knows that I _know._

Before that moment I didn’t know the truth, I was blissfully unaware of the secrets I had been keeping from everyone--including myself. But now it’s different, for I can never go back to the time of ignorance.

I watch helplessly as he guides my hands to run across his revealed chests, across those thick, hideous scars, in the places where I had wounded him so many years ago.

Years afterward, those scars still haven’t faded.

A smirk of twisted irony suddenly graced the corners of his lips, while those eyes of his still fixing right on me.  “You remember them, right?”

In the past my mind had blocked me from this, but now there is nothing to protect me from the truth, when the evidence of my crime is right here before my eyes.

Within the next second, I find myself being dragged to his tight embrace, my palms forced to press against his chests, right atop the uneven, massive scar tissues across the flash, the scars pulsing with my captor’s every heartbeat, as though it is a living, withering creature beneath my fingertips...

At this very moment, I can’t breath when I am being pressed so tightly against him. I can’t think neither. Despite of my panic, I find my mind going blank---

But it can’t block his voice from seeping through the great white fog which seems to cloud my mind at that moment.

“How can I forget you, Aiji? When I have these scars you had left me as the reminders?”

So tender is his tone when he utters those words, but I can still catch the dark, raw emotion lurking underneath this thin veil of tenderness. It is hatred.

 

to be continued.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so out of touch with this story and its characters! But I hope to write the next chapter ASAP!


	27. Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can’t stop shivering, just like I’m getting sick. I feel...cold from within, as if part of me…...my heart has gone cold, frozen.

Part 27 _Pain_

_I got bullets in the booth  
Rather be your victim than be with you_

_Third Day Of a Seven Day Binge  
            --Marilyn Manson_

 

I can’t stop shivering, just like I’m getting sick. I feel...cold from within, as if part of me…...my heart has gone cold, frozen. 

Perhaps it would be much better that I’m truly getting sick, even better still is for me to simply pass out. In my current situation, even death is a welcomed option as well.

It is...getting too much to bear. Who would have guessed even being conscious can cause you so much pain? But I’m trapped, trapped in this painful wakefulness when everything else within and around me seems to get frosted over and frozen into solid ice. 

Light goes out, time stood still, flowers wither away and die, pain and terror frozen in eternity with a voiceless scream.

Sounds of laughter and of music are silent for forever, leaving me deaf. Warmth has been sucked out, leaving only a deadly frost at its wake. Darkness surrounding me...thick darkness springing from the depth of my soul, darkness blinding me with its totalness. Lifelessness is all that left to plague me.

“It can’t be real...” 

I can hear myself uttering those words but my brain can hardly grips their meaning. I know I am in shock, I am overwhelmed by the memories that rushed back to the surface of my consciousness; and the truth those memories had brought up to the surface was too much for me to handle. The weight of the truth crushes down on me, making me crumble, kneeling over. 

The solid ground under my feet has just be swept away and it...has left me free fall into the downward spiral of disbelief and despair.

In the past, at different points of my life, I thought I’d endured difficult time and for a few times I had experienced what other people would call ‘hitting the rock bottom’. I thought I know what hardship is, I thought I’ve learned to look after myself after the passing of my beloved parents, I have been on my own since their departure, after all. Yet...nothing has prepared me for this torture...this revelation, nothing can.

Nothing from my past and experience can prepare me to face this loss of innocence.

My own ignorance had been a shield and it had protected me from the truth about myself, even without me being aware of the fact that I _need_ such protection.

Who am I? I no longer know.

I can hardly recognize myself...I can’t even face myself like this...

“It can’t be real...it can’t---” 

It feels like I have kept repeating these four words for forever in a mindless manner. In my misery it is difficult to be fully aware of what is going on around me. Therefore when _he_ has got hold of me again I can barely even make a respond. Even the fact that the man I fear the most is now having his arms around me, has failed to alert my shellshocked self. Something never happened before is now happening on me: _the will to fight seems to leave me entirely_. My inner strength has faded, I have nothing, nothing to rely on now.

Through my blurry vision, I look at him, I have no choice but to do so since he is right in front of me now, holding me so I won’t fall flat to the floor when I have no strength left to support myself. My helplessness is out on display. I should feel so ashamed of myself, but there is something...or someone else demanding my attention…

I finally _recall_ who this man is, my captor, the man who brings forth all my long buried nightmares and unbearable past. A past even my late parents believed would be better off buried and forgotten. 

So for the longest of time, they allowed the horror to be left unmentioned and forgotten, they had their lips sealed even to the last of their days.  They had done their best to hide it from me. They were doing this for my own good, but...after so many years...the truth cannot be ignored any longer.

Someone had dug the ugly past up back to the surface. 

Him.

_“How can I forget you, Aiji?”_

So tender was his tone when he uttered those words to me.

But...

The painful truth is, turns out he is not just a random madman who gets his thrill by kidnapping and torturing innocent victims, he is a monster whom _I_ once helped creating. I marred his body, I sided with his enemies, at one point I was merely one step away from ending his life. I...betrayed him, and in turn betraying also myself.

But I could still catch the dark, raw emotion lurking underneath this thin veil of tenderness. 

 

No wonder he has never forgotten me like I did him, and how can he not hate me after what I had done?

It was hatred that I could hear.

Yes...he lied, everything came from his mouth had been lies. Revenge is what he really wants...regardless of his claims of _loving_ me, what he really wants is to get back at me, to cause me pain. How can you ‘love’ someone who had influenced so much pain and suffering from you in the past? How can you claim to ‘love’ someone after this person cut you repeatedly, leaving a map of scars on your torso, marks that you would carry for the rest of your time?

Not only the evidence of my sin is there to be seen, at the same time they are also a constant reminder for the person who has no choice but to carry them for the rest of his life.

How can love be so… _twisted_? Therefore, what he really wants all along is to repay what _I_ had done to him once, and now he has succeeded. 

He has succeeded in bringing my worst nightmares back to life.

If this were his plan for revenge, now is the exact time for him to celebrate. I can’t no longer be the person I once believed I was, I had lost myself. 

With a sinking feeling in my heart, I suspect that’s what _he_ wants me to remember all along, he wants it probably knowing it would be my undoing.

I don’t know myself anymore. I could have never guessed there is a hidden chapter in my outwardly normal, ordinary life...there are _holes_ in my memory which keeps me from remembering my own past in full details, that even my parents had been hiding something so important from me when they were alive.

_“How can I forget you, Aiji? When I have these scars you had left me as the reminders?”_

For the whole time of my ordeal, I’d always thought my captor was insane, and I am merely the victim who was randomly chosen...but now I realize my mistakes...I wasn’t picked up at random and he has targeted me for _a reason_. Now everything can be explained, and who would have guessed there can possibly be explanation to madness and obsession too?

I can’t recall for how long I’d been stricken in this blank state, but soon as I snapped out of the trancelike state I was in, I start to twitch helplessly against him even when there is no real strength beyond my movements. Perhaps at this moment hope has finally gone out for me, but dread and survival instinct is still driving me on, urging me to keep up the fight. Still, even this remaining stubbornness is running out.

he let me carry on with my pitiful excuse for a struggle, but he wouldn't loose his hold. He wouldn’t allow me to crawl back to a corner and be left alone in my misery. 

I am so messed up to a point I can barely control my own movements. I don’t even know how to live with this memories restored to my conscious mind.

Even though I had trusted my parents, I had once thought they would never do that to me, they...aren’t supposed to keep things from me like that! But now with my new-found memory, I know that they had done exactly this: keeping things from me.

What would you do once you realize you are not as innocent as you once believed? 

Memories which were too frightening and traumatizing that I had to force myself to forget...the very thing that my late parents never wanted me to recall: I had been kidnapped and living through hell before I was eventually pulled out.

And...did they knew what _I_ had done in this fatal night when all hell broke loose? Did my parents guess at my involvement with the crime when they realized I was covered in blood, a weapon in hand when I was discovered?

How would I be able to grow up with memories like this stored in my brain?

How can I face him and myself when the evidences are staring back at me so broadly? They are undeniably here. Those scars across his skin, the scars that left by our torturers, and the ones that _I_ sculpted upon his torso.

Large scars that unintentionally crafted to look like a irregular cross of a sort. 

"It isn't real..." I said, helplessly. “It...can’t be...”

Even when I am repeating those words like a broken record, deep down I still know the truth, I know I’d already lost the battle. The truth has been dragged out in the open.

The truth is...once upon a time, I’d sided with the villains.

Once, I’d listened to the voice of the evil serpent  and thought sacrificing others to save my own self was the only thing I could do for survival.

 

 

Once, I’d been taught to maim and take lives...and the thoughts had made me feel _happy_ ….powerful.

Once, I was taught to kill small animal, and take pleasure in the act.

Then, I’d nearly killed someone, a human being.

People used to say ignorance was a bliss, I never believed this until...now. My ignorance had kept me safe, now this protection is gone, I have no defence left when darkness falls upon me, with madness follows right behind.

****

It finally is happening, right before my eyes.

You have remembered who I am, you have recalled _our_ past.

It should be what I’d always hoped for, I should be rejoiced by this new twist of events, but when I’m facing you and you are reacting like _this_ , I can find no joy in our situation, not even the tiniest sense of relief.

Unable to determine what to do, I stand there and watch you collapse, kneeling on the floor, murmuring to yourself. Previously when you tried to crawl on the floor, I had to stop you and you started struggling against me, but now you...just simply sit there without any resistence, and I find I have no heart to hold you down by force when you are...like _this_.

Words of disbelief and denial are still drifting from your trembling lips, your head bends forward, tresses of soft hair fall before your face so I can’t make out your the upper part of your face and your eyes, but it doesn’t take a genius to guess what those eyes would now look like.

Lifeless, cold, barely focused. The same like when I looked into the mirror and saw my own reflection gazing back at me when I first escaped from those cultists and crawled my way back to the ‘normal world’. 

Therefore I… _understand_ what you, my beloved, must be going through. I had been in the same place before, when life seems to lose its meaning and purposes after so narrowly escaping death.

There should be something I can do in this situation, perhaps I should hug you, offering you comfort like any normal person would. Still I seem to be rooted at my spot, unable to do anything. For the first time after everything started, I can’t muster up a solution to the problem I faced. Millions of thoughts formed in my head as I watch you suffer like this….still for the first time, I do not know how to handle things.

Clearly you just can’t handle the truth, just like what I’d always been dreading and…… _hoping_ for.

I catch myself, shocked by my own thoughts. No, I _don’t_ wish for this to happen. I’ve always feared you would break once you remembers the past, the horror in that accused house in the middle of nowhere, where no one had ever heard the victims’’ scream.I...have never wanted you to recall any of those terrible details!

It draws me back to the memory of my time _after_ I survived the Cult. After my escape from this cursed house and returned...to the so-called ‘normal life’...a life which I could no longer feel a part of.

Perhaps I was dead back then, dead after the torture, fear and pain I had been put through by those animals. Part of me truly was lost that day when the house burnt down, part of myself had been gone forever. With this realization there came a huge bewildering confusion: who was I now? Who was this person, who had faced evil and then barely escaped with his life?

I only knew I was no longer the once naive teen whose life revolved around going to school, trying to get good grades and hanging out with classmates. My parents’ quiet older son who was always able to look after himself, his younger brother’s playmate and the one person he always looked up to. I could no longer be that person anymore even if I wanted to. I was none of these things now. I didn’t know who he was anymore.

Ever since I woke up in the hospital with the scars forever searing across my body, I had always felt as though there was something lurking within me, something utterly alien and threatening; like I was caging an unknown beast inside of myself.

Part of me knew, at the back of my head, that my old self was dead, withering away into nothingness, leaving only a living, talking empty shell behind; and something alien had squeezed into this hollow space that was left behind, taking over, filing the hollowness with something almost entirely different. A new consciousness with thoughts and saw things in a different ways, someone who could never go back to live his old, ordinary life as an innocent soul who didn’t know better.

As time passed, those who were once close to me were forced to acknowledge I was different from the boy they once knew. For various times I caught my parents eying me with uneasiness and discomfort, like they didn’t know who I was and didn’t have the slightest idea what to do with me. My younger brother, who had grown up together with me, now looked at me with barely veiled fear in his eyes, watching me as if he was looking at a stranger instead of a sibling. Still my family members tolerated me as best they could until I parted with them eventually, for they had no other choice.

So it isn’t a surprise for me to see the relief on their faces when I announced that I was going to move out and live on my own, I even understand that the distance between me and my family is not their fault; for it is too difficult for normal people to carry on living with someone who had been touched by the forbiddens and madness. 

It is just the same with school and workplaces. wherever I go I have made no true friends, no one can understand me or get close to me and I harbor no desire to be understood. Everywhere I go, I have no true company, expects...the...the creature which peers back at me whenever I look into the mirror and see my own reflection. 

The creature that has lived inside of me for years, this dark thing which was born out of pain and suffering I’d received. The only long-term company I can ever afford to have.

Perhaps to you I’m talking like I’m insane or delusional when I talk about this creature, but I’m not. Unlike those long dead cultists, I don’t believe in any of their Satanic bullshit, but I do believe in evil, what I’d suffered through is more than enough to convince me; and I also believe in the existence of Devil. Or should I say, the Devil has believed in me. 

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t claim to have seen any supernatural thing in my life, there is no need for supernatural happening to take place, it doesn’t prove anything. For I had already seen monsters wearing human faces, children being cut and sacrificed in the name of the Dark Gods. Therefore, I don’t need to see anything of paranormal natural to understand this morbid presence within myself.

Sometime it feels like _He_ and I have been inseparable, ever since those dark days. After a time, after keeping this creature so close to myself, other people around me had no other choice but to drift away.

After what I’d experienced, my feeling toward the other people had been changed, for some reason, I could no longer find them to be as _real_ as before.

When I saw people laughing in joy, their happiness failed to radiate to me, when they talked to me, I could hear their voice but sometime their speaking voice sounded vague and fleeing like I was hearing it from beneath the water’s surface. 

Sometime, when I saw people passing by, all I could see was fragile shells which could be so easily crushed and shattered, they simply failed to look like individuals with their own emotions, purposes and well beings.

Sometime, when I actually harmed them, their pain and fear couldn’t even reach me nor move me in any way.

For the longest of time I had always known something was amiss, but it was until I met _you_ again, I finally realized what had been missing for so long.

You are the only one who shares my experience. It is the past which is linking us together, whether you know it or not.

The pain...the unspeakable horror, and even your betrayal at the very end...I have no one else to tell in this wide world, expects _you_.

Within you the truth and the horror from the past is still hidden and that makes you different from everyone else. 

Only you are different.

Only you will understand what I have been through.

If only you would _remember._

And now you _do_.

Today...this very moment has to be my first moment of _having_ you in any true sense, my only company from the same ordeal of torment and madness. 

Now...only now you seem to belong _here_...only now you seem to belong with _me_ ….

to be continued.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The monologues in this chapter sound pretty insane to me, but I guess that’s the point…? I did my best, I swear.


	28. Extinguished

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It isn’t going to be fine. None of these are going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Warning:** This chapter is  un-beta-ed, and there are non-consent scenes in the story! Don’t like don’t read!
> 
> Note: ‘Ijin no Yoru’ means ‘Night of the Stranger’, it’s a song by Buck-Tick

Shadows 

Part 28 _Extinguished_

_  
The moon sets, my eyelashes tremble  
The rain pours and I am drenched in amber_

_It’s a clever trap.  
It was a trap from the start  
I cry myself to sleep  
And then there is no one_

_Ijin no Yoru_

_\--Buck Tick_

 

I don’t know what to do with you when you break down in front of me. This change from you is so sudden and complete I nearly fail to react accordingly. I am afraid for you. I know I need to do something to...calm you down, I know; still I’d failed to react.

For a long time I have been almost as lost as you, but the spell is broken when you start screaming. 

Perhaps you are suffering from something similar with a night terror. I watch you as you thrash and cry, you claw at your own skin when your voice breaks, it isn’t long before hardly anymore sound can come out from your already damaged vocal cord.

No longer able to bear the sound of your screaming, once again I rush forward gather you in my arms, holding your thin form tightly--not in an attempt to influent pain but to keep your in place, to minimize whatever struggle you still have in store. I can’t let you continue like this, you are bound to harm yourself if you don’t stop. 

To my surprise, you don’t try to fight back much, you try a few times before the fight goes out of you. Harsh, uneven breath is still heaving through your nose as you struggle to breath but you have finally stopped screaming; as if you have finally emptied out everything within you.

Your head is bent, your tresses hide your face and expression from my view, I have no choice but to reach a hand to your nape and angle your face up to me, I need to check if you are…

Offering up no protest, you let me posite you in the way I want, I watch your face carefully. Your eyes are open but you don’t seem to see anything before you, your expression is...blank, there isn’t even tear in your eyes as you stare blindly up at me, you now  look… _drained_ , as though the shock you had previously received  has already exhausted all of your emotions. 

Your lips start to tremble as if you are trying to speak. I watch you closely but I can’t make out what you want to say. All I can put together are a few random names and words which hold no meaning to me.

Trying to smooth you with words will be useless when you are in such an chaotic state, I must try something else.

Experimentally, I bring my free hand to caress your cheek, then running a finger across your bottom lip before claiming your lips with mine.

I had mentioned it is an experimental action, and...surprisingly, you let me do what I want when usually in the past, you would have resisted me in some way.

Only now...I can be certain that your last line of defense has been teared down, I have broken you in. 

Now you look...broken, utterly destroyed.

Your pitiful look makes me feel guilty, if I were a better man I would have let you go in order to fix you...to make it up to you. Yet, all I have done in this situation is to tighten my grip around you. Just so you can’t escape from me, I will make sure you will have no choice but to remain as broken pieces in my arms.

Out of the blue, I heard your small, broken voice.

“Kirito......?”

My name slipping from your lips in a such a natural manner it is also surreal to hear, I am almost startled to hear the way those syllables of my name are sounded by your voice, for it means you truly remember our past.

“Yes...?”

“What will happen to me now?”

It is impossible to tell you everything will be alright from this point onward, nor can I bring myself to tell you things will be just the same. I know things will no longer be the same and I suspect you have already suspected as much.

I tighten my hold around you. “I will be with you when you are dealing with all these...new memories.”

“Are you going to let me go?” When you utter this question, your voice sounds so heartbreakingly childish, so fragile and so scared.

I could have lied, just to make you feel better or to give you some false hope, but at this point when we can finally be truthful to one another, lying seems so very _ugly._ So I tell you the truth.

“No.”

When hearing my reply, you let out a small sob and you shiver in my arms, but I notice there is no shock or surprise in your eyes. As if you had already known the answer to your own question before I ever uttered it for you.

Still, I can promise you things are going to _change_. I know what it must be like for you now...changes are always unsettling, and life-changing moments are even scarier, I had been in your place before, therefore...I will help you to get through this difficult progress of change...until you can shrug off your old self and embrace the _new_ you.

Now I finally have you here, right where you belong. I am made whole again, with the only person who _can_ share the most important, singular experience which I can never share with anyone else, right by my side. 

Then we can begin our new life together.

***

I remember I used to have nightmares when I was younger. For a few years, I used to have nightmares which caused me to wake up screaming in the middle of the night. Making me cry uncontrollably in fright. Making me scream loud enough my parents were also awoken and in turn running to my bedroom to comfort me, staying by my side until I could fall back to sleep out of exhaustion.

Once I was awakened, I’d always failed to recall what I’d seen in my nightmares no matter how hard I tried. Still I knew I must have seen something terrifying in those nightmares, although back then I could never remember what I had actually witnessed in those dreams after snapping my eyes open. As if something had been preventing me from recalling them.

I never thought very deeply about those nightmares, as I grew older I dismissed them as the by-products of my own childish fear of darkness and silly imaginary monsters, and much to my relief, those nightmares did eventually fade away years later.

Now, the barriers which had once separated me from my nightmares have finally gone down. For the first time, I recall what I had truly seen in those nightmares. One of those nightmares contents the image of _him_......stabbed and soaked with blood, staring back at me with disbelief, shock, sadness.

So it is true. I know it is true because it is what I’d once witnessed before I eventually passed out right outside of this burning house, so long ago. 

He was once _my_ victim, maimed by my own hands; just like I’m now _his_.

Does this fact make him feel _better_? Is this his way of _getting even_ with me!?

Is this my punishment?

“I...”

Again I struggle to use my damaged vocal cord; something needed to be uttered, some words to make my remorse be known...

“I...I’m sorry.” 

In the end it is all I can mange, this weak, meaningless apology for what I had done in the long forgotten past.

Saying ‘sorry’ isn’t going to change anything, it isn’t going to redeem me...or you. The damage had already been done, the past is something craved on stone. Unchangeable. 

I didn’t mean to do any of those things, I didn’t want to become something _she_ , that evil woman from this long gone past, would want me to do.

Even though I was only a child back then, acting out of blind fear and sheer desperation for survival, still.......it is not an excuse, not enough to cover up such a damaging act.

 _”I’m so sorry._ I didn’t know, I really didn’t……”

“Stop,” Before I can finish, he hushes me by placing a fingertip on my trembling lips. “I understand.”

But...but I _can’t_! I can’t understand how he is still trying to show consideration with such matter. Plus I don’t even know why we are still talking like we are just normal people having a normal chat, talking about something like _this_.

My throat runs dry, I have difficulty trying to speak again, at loss in what can still be said after the painful truth and the long buried disgusting secrets are laid bare.

Me and him, we are a duo that means only to destroy one another. The difference only lays on how much, and how long does it take for one of us to finally wither and break. 

He has always insisted there is a connection between us, back then I thought he is utterly mad. Now I can see what does he mean. There really is a connection, one which is merged by blood, agony and death.

The only connection that matters.

He watches me for a moment longer, I catch a glimpse of pity on his expression, then he takes my hand.

****

I press your palm against the top of my own chest, to the center of the mess of the ugly old scars, upon a particularly large scar that runs right above where my heart located beneath my maimed flesh.

Many years ago when I was still in the hospital recovering, slowly, very slowly from those injuries I had received within this accursed house, the doctors told me, if the knife had slipped and stabbed a few inches upward, the stab would have pierced my heart and I’d have died; it was a certainty…

But somehow I managed to survive the would-be fatal wound, I even managed to crawl out of that hell house, stumbling far enough before collapsing that some passerby finally found me laying on the sidewalk and in turn, they called the police.

After being sent to the nearest hospital and struggled to keep myself alive for the whole week afterward, slipping in and out of coma. I’d made it. But not without the price, my injuries left me many physical scars as much as the mental ones.

The scars across my chest and torso are the worst of them all. Before today I’d said nothing about them to you, but now it is different, I feel different; now I want you to have a good look at my scars, I want you to feel them.  

Your hand shakes violently when I press your palm across my scarred chest, hesitatingly you want to draw back but I’m not letting you. As sick as it may sound, it feels good to have you touch me.

I want more.

My free hand finds its way around your thin waist, pulling you toward me, for a second I worry that you may resist when I try to kiss you, but you don’t. You are still shaking with traces of tear staining your cheeks, but to my surprise and satisfaction, you let me draw you into my arms and bring our lips together. You barely respond, you look disoriented with this far away look in your eyes even when those eyes are looking straight at me, as though you do not know what is going on. You just...allow me to do as I please.

As though you have resigned to your fate.

When I lay you down on the narrow bed I sense your body jerking beneath me, your eyes become a bit more alerted, like all of a sudden you are finally catching up with what is going on. Now you are trembling so badly, your limbs are so tensed, your lips press together to form a tight thin line...but your eyes...despite of the half dried tear I can see there is something else in your eyes, other than the pain and discomfort. 

That animalistic look within your orbs, the expression of a wild animal being caged, tiny sparkles of anger flashing through your eyes, and you begin to wriggle under me anew.

You know what is coming, and part of you are still in disbelief and trying to fight back, but I won’t back down this time. I can’t control myself, I’m done waiting, now...I want more of you.

At least now your defense has been weakened, you are no longer rejecting me in the same fierce way like you did in the past. Back then you shouted, you accused me with so many horrible things, you rejected me like you believed you _could_ escape, you resisted with such fierce desperation, all for the faint hope, the slim possibility of finding a way out.

Now...even this hope had vanished, it has dawned upon you that rejecting me isn’t something you _can_ do. Yet you fight me still, this time as a desperate attempt to delay the inevitable. 

***

I don’t know how the situation has gone so out of control. Perhaps I had always been fooling myself by not willing to face the possibilities of things leading down this road, perhaps at the back of my mind I had always known the worst will happen, sooner or latter; but when reality hits, whatever defense I had built up still crumbles around me so quickly. Something in my mind had been broken, I don’t know how to deal with the gagging hole in my being anymore. My body becomes a lifeless puppet, barely able to keep up any fight.

My clothes had been peeled away from me, now only my unbuttoned shirt remains hanging along my upper arm, I can’t even tell when did it happen. The cool air surrounds my bare skin sending a chill down my spine, but the sensation is soon replaced by warmth from another body when he presses me to the mattress, covering my body with his own.

I gasp as a pair of lips kissing up the side of my neck...I had never been touched like this before. I hear his whispers next to my ear. “You need it.”

My eyes widen. Do I need what he is taking me through, or don’t I? What do I need actually? Some form of distraction? Or some form of _punishment?_ Or something to merely fill the terrible void pierced right through my very soul? I don’t even know the answer anymore…

So I turn my head away when he slips my underpants down before nudging my thighs apart. 

“I have never...”  I can feel my face heating up and I fail to continue. I don’t even know why I had said these words, but they rushed out before I could stop them. Panic once again races through my veins as he pins me underneath his weight, forcing me to feel the length of his body pressing against mine. 

To my words he remains quiet, I can’t read his expression clearly in the semi darkness. Then he simply reaches up a hand to caress my cheek softly. 

If he meant for it to be a gesture of comfort, it isn’t working. 

“I...” Shivering under his touch, I struggle to speak again, yet I can’t believe my own voice is sounding so weak. “I’m afraid---”

“Don’t be. Everything will be fine.”

I know better than to trust him, I should have struggled, I shouldn’t let it happen, but something in his voice...it is numbing my resistance, making it feels like it will be easier to let him do what he wants with me than putting up a fight. His caresses, the rising heat between our bodies are making it difficult for me to think straight...

My foolishness once again costs me. Soon pain pierces through me as he enters without much preparation. The pain shoots through me, piercing through the trancelike haze clouding my mind. I remember struggling, pleading weakly for him to stop even when my throat can barely produce sound at all. 

He ignores me, with arms still locking me against him, he slowly pushes himself further with pain-strikingly slowness, tearing at my inside, forcing me to accept more of him. He stops for a  moment when he was buried entirely in, he is breathing hard above me as he kisses the curve of my neck, before sliding out a bit and thrusts back in. I gasp at the blooming pain, I try to push him away but it is in vain. I can’t take this, it is too much---

Half-blinded by the agony and panic, all I can remember is wriggling and trying to get free. Although my action feels foolish even to myself, why keeps on struggling after losing hope? Why still trying to flee when there is truly no way out?

My own struggle is forcing me to feel _more_ , feeling his limbs tangled with mine, his sweaty skin passing against mine, his forehead touching with my own as he moves painfully inside of me.

Somehow my vision begins to go dark. Where am I? Why am I here? Why I can only see dimness and gloom before me? What is happening to me?

I want to go back. I want this to stop...but somehow I know there is nowhere for me to go---

 

Without warning, his fingers find their ways around my half-hard shaft and starting to pump me with the rhythm of his thrusts. The sensation of it makes me lose control, I don’t want this to happen, but with a cry I arch toward him as I reach my own climax, releasing myself onto his fist. 

For a moment I can’t focus on anything outside of the overwhelming pleasure, I only vaguely feel him climaxing above me with a hiss.

It is over.

For a long moment afterward, we just stay there, trying to catch our breathes. 

It is over.

Or...to my horror, it may only be the beginning.

In the rush of the moment, neither of us had even undressed fully. My ruined shirt still pools under my armpits while my trousers and underpants had long been pulled down and thrown somewhere. He knelt above me, between my spread thighs, still breathing hard. His t-shirt has been gone whilst his own loosened trousers loosened around his hips.

Being physically and emotionally exhausted, I lay there, feeling more exposed and vulnerable than ever under this man’s gaze. He is still buried inside me, his hands moving on my sweaty skin as if he wanted to memorize every line. Then he bent down to kiss me on the mouth. “You are going to be fine.”

That is my undoing.

 

It isn’t going to be fine. None of these are going to be okay.

He had gotten what he wants finally, hadn’t he? And I am going nowhere. He has made sure of this.

I had lost myself.

I feel numb.

To be continued.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is so difficult to write. Argh. I didn’t enjoy it when I wrote this chapter because ARGH nothing good happens in this story and the writing has been taking so long. I apologize for any mistake in this chapter but I hope you enjoy it.


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